Depression and 'Part Time' Alcoholism

[seeking_help]

Hi There,

This is my first time posting here at BB but have come here to seek help/advice. I have been dealing with anxiety/depression for about 10 years now and have been taking paroxetine for approximately the same time. I have developed excellent strategies for coping over the years which really boils down to routine, healthy eating and exercise.

However, I have a demon that I cant seem to make progress on: part time alcoholism. I say 'part time' because no-one know's I drink (including my wife) and it happens rarely. I officially 'gave up' drinking almost 3 years ago due to my inability to moderate intake and the effect it was having on my depression and thus home life. I went through a good year or so without having a drink as I had a stable 8-5 job where I got to go home to my wife every day. Things changed when I got a new job which involved significant periods of time away from home either overseas or within Australia. It's gotten to the point where I cannot control myself and every day that I spend away from home or travelling, I drink. I'm not just talking a beer or wine with dinner, I'm talking 15-20 standard drinks in a sitting by myself, every day.

I've become so adapted to this way of living that I can seemingly 'get away with it' i.e. my colleagues I travel with don't know I do it and I manage to finance the purchase of alcohol in ways my wife cannot find out about. I know it's doing me damage and it is definitely affecting my professional performance which is adding to my depression and anxiety.

Once I get home and get back into a routine I always seem to conveniently forget about my issues until the next time I travel. The frequency of my travel has increased to about 8-10 days/month rather than previously when it was 10 days every 3 months or so.

I am finally at the point where I know I have a problem and want to quit drinking for myself, rather than for others and I would really appreciate any advice or feedback from people who have had similar experiences. Should I come clean with my wife or should I battle through this on my own? This is the first time I have shared this with anyone.

Thanks in advance,

[pipsy]

Hi S.H You've taken the first of many steps in getting help with the binge drinking (that's actually what you have). It's good you recognise you need help. That warrants a thumbs up. I would try to explain to your wife that you have a problem with alcohol, tell her it's more when you're out of your comfort zone. It seems your depression is causing you the anxiety of being away from home, so you drink to blot your homesickness. You are on a merry-go-round of emotions and hoping that drinking will dull the pain of being away. I would also consider going back to an 8 -5 job where you're home at night. You know the damage you're causing, so I won't comment further. I would then perhaps look at contacting AA and ask them for some structures to overcome the emotional need for the alcohol. AA has a 12 step program which could be helpful for you. Possibly asking your Dr for some help too. I would ask your wife if she is prepared to help you with this.

Best wishes

Lynda.

[Kazzl]

Hello seeking_help. Ohhh mate, I know how what it's like! I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober nearly five years. I too used to travel a lot and I remember those nights in hotel rooms, alone with the bottles, no one to worry about how much I was drinking. A binge drinker's refuge eh? When I say I remember, I actually don't if I'm honest - I remember the start of those nights, not the end. I got myself into a lot of bother during those times, and in some potentially dangerous situations.

I'm glad you've realised you have a problem and need to stop, and I'm really glad you want to do it for you. In my experience (and I know many others who've been through it) it only works if we do it for ourselves. Nothing else can make us stop.

I agree with Pipsy that you should tell your wife and enlist her help. It's so very hard to try and stop by ourselves with no support. And admitting our problem to someone who loves us is very very hard, but also liberating too in a way. You don't have to hide anymore - that guilt, and fear of being caught out goes away and you can really focus on staying sober.

Pipsy mentioned AA, and I admire their work, they have helped many of us. But I couldn't face AA, don't know why. There are other groups that can help you as well, like SMART recovery (take a look at their website). I like their approach.

I suggest you also have a look at a thread called Battling the Booze on the Staying Well board of the forum. A few of us have posted about our experiences, what withdrawing is like, and strategies for getting and staying sober. You are very welcome to join us.

You're not alone in this mate, not by a long shot! And you can do it.

Kaz

[seeking_help]

Hi Lynda,

Thanks for your wise words. It's really refreshing to here some solid advice rather than the usual 'cheer up'. I have been to AA previously but after a couple of sessions actually started to feel uncomfortable due to the religious connotations and caliber of people that were attending. I do realize that this is a flaw within myself for not respecting the program but I do find it hard to relate to and be honest and open up to people who have been in and out of prison and/or have ongoing drug problems. Maybe that was just bad luck with my local group and I should branch out further? I want to find people who share my pain and are still maintaining professional lifestyle's whilst battling addiction. Does that make me selfish?

I've also been visiting a psychologist fortnightly to try and get to the bottom of my issues but have only recently brought up the alcohol issue. It was refreshing to talk about it but at the same time I haven't yet found the will power to ditch it completely. I visit my psychologist when I am back in Brisbane i.e. well into my routine etc so I normally come off quite well as I am in a positive head space. Fast forward a week and I will be back in my hotel room drinking myself to blackout. And the cycle repeats.

Apologies for the ramble but I really need to get this out and would appreciate any advice/feedback. In reality I know what the right thing to do would be, just need a bit of moral support.

Thanks all and especially Lynda for reaching out.

Regards, Nick

[seeking_help]

Thanks Kaz. It's actually really supporting knowing that someone else has had similar issues and has come out on the other side OK.

I know I should tell my wife but I'm so nervous about the repercussions as I don't want to seem like a failure. WE just had our first child (beautiful baby boy) 8 weeks ago and I thought naturally that I would grow out of it now that I had a child. Unfortunately, nothing has changed! I don't expect myself to magically be cured but I had high hopes that my perspective on life would have changed enough after becoming a father that I could prioritize a bit better. However I find myself prioritizing other areas of my life so well in anticipation that I will get black out drunk for the few days that I am away from home! Does anyone else experience this?!

I feel so alone trying to battle through this and feel it's going to be hard to find a 'substitute' for alcohol that can actually free me from my woes temporarily.

Thanks again, appreciate the support