Depression, C-PTSD and possible substance use issues

[lennon11]

Hi all,

I have experienced chronic depression (as well as complex PTSD and self-harm ideation) for MANY years...most of my life. For reference, my family and most of my friends do not understand these struggles (and never have). I have been on the receiving end of many hurtful comments and have also had to hide the fact that I've accessed treatment (medication, therapy, etc.), due to their judgement and stigma. Essentially my family has said they don't want me to be crazy or to tear apart the family. I don't want those things either. But I'm sad. Very very sad, in fact. As well as all of the other things that depression entails. And I would just like some support.

Right now things are feeling very heavy. I've felt the depression building up over the past couple of weeks. I've been around family a lot and have felt lots of pressure to pretend to be happy because they essentially don't believe in mental health issues. And I'm also quite frankly scared to bring it up for fear of making everyone (myself included) uncomfortable.

As a result, I've started hiding away. I've been looking at this forum in private, when I said I was working or doing other things. I've been crying while alone in the toilet. Having panic attacks alone in the shower. All while putting on a happy and brave face when around others.

The depression has been building and tonight I have isolated myself. I lied and said that I was meeting a friend, but in reality I am alone because I needed to be in a space where I could just be alone and sad without worrying about other's perceptions of me. I have alcohol and will drink a bit too in order to deal with things. I know this isn't the healthiest coping mechanism but it's where I'm at right now. Surrounded by a dark fog of depression and numbness. Needing to address things to some extent without masking them any longer.

People in my life certainly won't understand. Maybe someone here will. I'm glad you're all here and thank you for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hi lennon11,

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you recently and that you feel you need to hide away in order to not be judged. We understand how horrible that must be for you and want to remind you that you are not alone and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Ric65]

Hello Lennon,

I am really sorry to hear that things are not doing too good for you. As Sophie has mentioned, there are quite a few organisations out there that you can call. You can even get in touch with our Beyond Blue support team.

Speaking from personal experience, it is important for you to engage and talk about things. Staying quite and trying to work it out yourself generally does not help. So PLEASE reach out and just talk, about anything that you would like to talk about. It really did make me feel better when I engaged and started talking.

In addition you can keep reaching out to us on this forum. I am sure that you will find comfort. Ric65

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi lennon11,

Thanks for reaching out and sharing this with us. Sorry I haven't seen your other posts before but it sounds like you're going through a lot.

I can absolutely relate with not having your family support. I saw a therapist when I was younger and my Dad yelled at me for talking about issues that should have been discussed in the house. If ever I shared about depression, what could I possibly be sad about? and so on and so on. So like you, my journey with therapy and medication has been silent too.

Do you have other people around you that you do feel safe with and that do get it?

I'm also wondering if maybe you could set some boundaries around seeing your family. It might not be possible but you certainly need that space without making excuses for it. I hope its okay to say this; I just know how hard it is to be alone in it all and you don't have to be.

rt

[lennon11]

Hi all and thank you for your kind words,

I don't really know what to say. I don't feel like I have much practice in talking about myself and my problems. Anyhow I am here. I have absolutely felt worse than I this in the past, so it's an accomplishment that I'm where I'm at these days mentally. But I'm also definitely not at 100%. Just reaching out to say hi and connect on this journey of depression, healing...life.

I would say that I'm living with depression for sure. But it just feels like the way that things are? I'm not sure if it's possible for me to have a reality outside of this, but I don't know if that's necessarily a terrible thing and I like to try to make peace with that and find happiness in the life that I have.

I do have people in my life (my partner in particular) who I feel safe and comfortable with. I am so very thankful for that.

Also thinking about how years ago I genuinely couldn't even imagine having the life that I have today. I didn't think that I would be here and genuinely couldn't imagine things getting better. So much fear and hopelessness and was really at my rock bottom and my "edge". And even now I have the sense that the rug could get pulled out from under me at any moment - and given my trauma and circumstances it is a logical reaction to feel that way. But we can't predict or control the future and I am thankful for the connections I have and the peaceful moments that I have every now and then.

Amidst severe depression, suicidal ideation, panic attacks, drinking, trauma, nightmares, dissociation, and on and on and on. Struggling profoundly in silence but pushing forward and doing what I can to keep fighting, and healing.

What does depression feel like for you all? How are you going lately? Take care and please feel free to respond with any thoughts.