Pregnancy after loss and feeling down

[Rainbow4722]

Hi all,

long story short, we have had 3 losses in 4 years leading into my current pregnancy; a TFMR, miscarriage & chemical pregnancy. I am now 21 weeks and all is going well. I feel incredibly blessed and grateful to be pregnant.

However, the last few days I have felt a familiar feeling creep in. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I wouldn’t say I’m anxious, but I feel down in the dumps. I mean maybe I am all of those things.

I’m a nurse and there have been some changes at work, only temporary, but changes non the less. I work in immunisation and doing so in a pandemic has been…rough.

Navigating this pregnancy has been a challenge. Worrying if my baby is ok, overcoming one milestone at a time. But I just feel lousy.

1)I feel guilty for resting when people tell me I need to put myself first and rest, taking time off work because I feel horrendous - enter EPIC scale guilt.

2) I feel what can only be described a bump dysmorphia - is it normal? Am I too big? Too small? Should I get maternity photos? Will I look too ‘big’ constantly comparing myself to other women I know at the same gestation. Why are they so glamorous? Why do I feel like a potato?

3) work is tiring, I’ve never been so ready for maternity leave in all my life

4) I need to train new people to take my place for maternity leave

5) I feel bad for feeling bad about being pregnant. I’ve wanted this for so long, why do I feel this way? I don’t have a right to feel this way!

6) I can’t see my midwife until 28 weeks due to restrictions etc and this made me feel so incredibly sad and anxious (my GP is a god send though)

7) I have days of extreme energy and other days where I am so unmotivated I can’t leave the bedroom and I feel really down. And then I beat myself up over it

I have a supportive husband and family network, my workplace has been wonderfully understanding. Yet here I am being my own worst enemy. I’ve taken annual leave this week just to get my head around all of this.

Is this normal? I’m terrified it’s pre-cursor for PPD and I’m so scared I’m not bonding with my baby or that I won’t when they get here. Despite how much I’ve longed for them.

has anyone felt the same way during pregnancy after loss?

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading!!

xoxo

[Sophie_M]

Hey Rainbow4722,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing such a brave and open first post. It sounds like there's a lot on your plate, between work, coping with loss, being pregnant. We can understand you must be feeling a lot of things. It's really good that you could share some of what you're feeling here, thank you.

It sounds like you're dealing with some difficult feelings right now. We think it's really important to reach out and talk to someone about how things are going so that you can have a bit of support. There are a few options for doing so. You could chat to your GP about this and they would be able to offer you some further support. In the meantime, you can always call our lovely counsellors on 1300 22 4636 or online. There's also our friends over at PANDA who offer support just for people experiencing anxiety and depression in prgnancy or during the first year of parenthood. They're on 1300 726 306 (available Mon-Fri 9am-7:30pm AEST).

We're sorry to hear you've experienced so much loss over the past four years. If at any point you'd like to talk it through, we're here, and you could also reach out to SANDS, who offer 24/7 phone support for anyone impacted by pregnancy or baby loss. You can reach them on 1300 308 307.

We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you've been so kind in sharing your experience here. Our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need, so hopefully they'll spot your post soon.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[The_Bro]

Hi there Rainbow4722

Wow what a great post - you have taken great care to analyse your feelings and document them. I am sorry you are feeling this way. SophieM has given you great advice I think.

To answer your question, much of what you have described is a bit normal in my experience. My wife was fine with our first child, then had all sorts of similar issues to you, with our second pregnancy.

Although I did notice her moodiness, I only found out how bad she really was through a mutual friend who reached out to me in confidence. As carefully as I could, I discussed it with my wife and tried to be as supportive as I could. It was not easy. Our doctor was actually great when we opened up with him.

I think the main thing was to try and keep my wife's self esteem and self love in place, after all bringing a new person into this world is a truly amazing thing to do.

We did get through it and her feelings calmed down a few weeks before the birth of our beautiful baby girl.

Just hoping this outline of our own experience may help just a little bit and all the very best for the crazily fulfilling experience that lies before you!

Kind regards, The Bro

[Guest_1573]

Dear Rainbow4722

I am so happy for you with this pregnancy. However; I am so sorry you are going through such stress at this time. You have such a fantastic work ethic! It really is time for you to step back and care for yourself and baby. Nobody is irreplaceable!

I suffered major trauma with my IVF journey...I won't bore you with it but suffice it to say my first pregnancy ended very badly due to Doctor's negligence.

I eventually fell pregnant again after three IVF cycles/7 embryo transfers. The entire pregnancy was a nightmare. I constantly thought I would lose him. I bled for weeks and was hospitalised over Christmas 2003. At the 20 week scan the doctors 'thought' he might have a heart issue. I was 38 at the time and have a double uterus...so doctors were 'reminding' me that I could lose the baby any day and that he could have Down Syndrome etc etc....

I remember every day being so stressed and scared. If I didn't feel him move I would freak out. I never ever actually believed that I would have a live baby at the end of it. The irony is that after all the doctors scaring me with their premature labour stories I made it to 41 weeks.

I too really struggled with bonding with him as I did not ever think he would actually happen. I suffered severe PND but I did not have support. My husband (ex) was useless and nobody did anything for me. I constantly thought he would die and even though I sought assistance back then nothing was ever forthcoming.

I am so glad you have support behind you. I believe you will be absolutely ok and that as you have the intelligence to know the risk group you will get any support you need. I certainly hope that is the case.

For what it is worth he is now 18 years old; 6 foot 2 inches tall and 110kg, and a total pain in the behind! (teenagers!).

I hope I have helped I certainly did not want to make this about me but I resonated with your post so much.

xxx

[Guest_1573]

oh forgot to say...you have every right to feel however you feel about this! And I remember the 'bump' dysmorphia...I was so small and I hated when people said that as I thought they were saying there was something wrong.....pregnancy is an anxiety riddled time and the hormones don't help. All my worries about being small....how I wish...I gained 30kg and am still overweight now...18 years later!