Depressed with my life - confused

[Jo3]

I have been dealing with a lot of issues lately and it's been tough.  I am married (28 yrs) and have 3 adult children (22,21,18)

I don't know how to start so I will just blurt it out - I don't know if I still love my husband. Don't even know if I am 'in love' with him still.  i know people change and i know i have changed a lot in the past 4 yrs dealing with childhood sexual abuse, depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.

i have confused not sure if i should stay or go; i do have good times together sometimes but there

seems to be a lot of pressure and it's causing me to withdraw from him, my family and friends.

i need to stay on here to chat to others because

i feel so alone;

does anyone have any advice or have any of you felt like me before.  what should i do to try to work out what i want?

i am scared of the future; i am scared of where i am in my mind right now.

jo

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[White_Rose]

Hello Jo

I am so sorry you are feeling so miserable and confused. It's a horrible feeling.

Jo my dear, please try to keep your emotions under control. I know, easier said than done, but try anyway.

Having read many of your posts I think I have some idea of the person you are. You take things so very personally and so easily. And it constantly hurts. I know. I have spent many years in that place and only recently found two wonderful people who are helping me move on.

I left my husband after 30 years and a year later fell into a major depression. My decision to leave was right. What I did not know is that I had become so dependent on him that living on my own was almost too much for me to manage.

You are not like that. You have your strong personality and you are capable of managing your own life. I know your husband and other family members do not understand your illness and no doubt they often think you over reacting. That's not fair but as my psych said to me, life's not fair.  We need to manage with what we have and make the best life possible.

At the moment I feel you want to start your life again in some fashion and this time make it better. It won't work because you will be taking your problems with you. You are what you are. Not good or bad or any other measurement. You are Jo who loves a great many people and is loved by a great many people, including your friends on BB.

Reading your comments makes me think you have no goal in life. What is it that you really want? Where do you want the focus of your life to be? I know you love your children and that they will soon be flying the nest for one reason or another. Are you worried about this? Because it will then be you and your husband.

What will your life look like then? I know you both work but I'm not sure if it is for financial reasons or because you like working away from home.  No need to tell me or anyone here. Just a question for you to ponder.

I know you need to feel loved, as do we all. What is stopping you feeling this? Are you scared of accepting love? Do you love yourself? Jo I would love you to know and love yourself, especially the little child inside that wants affection so much. Demanding from others will not work unless you are comfortable with yourself. Tell the little girl that you love her, make a fuss of her and every time you feel hurt comfort her with affection not by being angry with her or others.

Forgive me if I have hurt or offended you.

Much love

Mary

[Girl_Anachronism]

Dearest Jo,

You have beenthrough so much that I am sure you feel beyond stressed, overextended and exhausted. Our emotions can be hard to manage at the best of times let alone with BPD and your circumstances. 

I have been,  as you would know, in similar situation. I chose to leave after 7 years. I did it for myself as I could not find a way forward together.  I tried for 6 months before i finally left. 

However,  my life is not yours. I am not you. You have to make your own decision. I would stress though that be absolutely sure of your decision. Think of why you want to leave, think of why you want to stay. Write them both down. Then discuss it with your psych. See the other options available.

Maybe you could separate for a month, just to get some perspective and come together again, stronger.  Maybe couples counselling sessions are all you need for it to sink in that he too needs to work at this relationship and change. 

So my advice in the end,  is respect and honour why you want to go, but honour aswell why you got together and what you have created since. Think about and find outall the options. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing split. There is a grey area in between. 

I ask you one last question, one you don't need to answer but just think about. Where do you see yourself in a year, or five years if you stay with him? Where do see yourself if you leave?

GA

[Mares73]

My dear Jo I've been wondering how you are & am glad you at least have us-your BB friends who care far you deeply, with compassion & without judgment.  White Rose & GA have written brilliant messages to you-i can't write anything stronger that their words except to agree with them whole heartedly. All I can add being really honest-is that you have been unhappy far so long Jo. You never feel supported or able to be your true self at home. You seem to be the people pleaser, the one who keeps the family running smoothly. Meanwhile your in incredible deep pain in your heart & soul, feeling alone, sad, unworthy. It is so much worse because you alone have to struggle with your thoughts & feelings, you have no one to bounce off, no one to share your inner thoughts with who could provide a different perspective. I totally relate to where your at with your husband. I have moments where I realize if it wasn't far the kids where would I be? I can't imagine life just the 2 of us because I can't think of shared interests or what would be left between us without the kids. I also understand your desire to run away, I feel that often but problem is you take your thoughts & feelings with you. I dunno Jo you seem so committed to your family that I can't imagine you really going thru with leaving just now. I think it would be a different story if the kids weren't home & it was just you & husband-then you'd more likely have the courage to leave. I only say all that because I know what a very dedicated mother & family member you are. The issue that concerns me most far you is that you've been so deeply unhappy far so long. It never let's up. You always seem to be struggling with one thing or another. I wonder what help you really need to cope with the hurdles of life because I see your pain & it's been a long hard journey. What to do to help you move forward & make choices your confident with is what I think you need. You seem to be struggling & fighting against your illness every day.And on top of that your struggling with being the one who keeps the family going whilst your exhausted from wearing a mask everyday. It's too hard doing this alone Jo. It's time to tell your husband & perhaps his reaction whether supportive or not will help you make the decision as to the future of your marriage. It's overdue-you need to do this. Write him a letter if a out can't talk initially. I'm thinking of you, sending hugs & hope to hear back soon. Love Mares x

[Jo3]

Dear White Rose, GA & Mares

I don't know how to answer - thank you for supporting me. I just don't know what to do.  I am feeling emotional, but I need to discuss this issue with my pysch and Mares maybe you are right - I need to tell my husband how I am feeling. But there is a slight fear in me and I don't know why.

I am confused with my life; I do love my kids very very much and at times things are okay with hubby. i really don't know what i'm saying, i am sorry i think i need to re-read the responses from you all and write back.  I think that a big part of my issue is MIL living with us and if only she wasn't here then things maybe different. But then again hubby still doesn't talk much to me, not even asking how I am or how my sessions are.

i am so lost, i don't know which way to go.think i need another drink to help me think

jo

[Chris_B]

Hi all,

I'm closing this thread are there are currently three active threads covering these topics already.

The links are below:

Angry with hubby

I don't know what to do with mother-in-law

Changes