Feeling insignificant and worthless

[Small_Inside]

I'm not really sure where to start.  Just that I don't really expect this to accomplish anything, but that's my catastrophic nature, I guess.  I'm 35 and I've struggled with depression for longer than I knew what it was, as far back as primary school.  I have only been on medication for about 2 years now.  I have trouble sleeping and feel tired ALL the time.

My story is not that dramatic.  The more I read people's stories and see the things going on in other people's lives and what they have had to deal with, the more I think that what I feel is totally unreasonable and selfish, and I can't seem to break that pattern of thinking.

My life is okay, there's nothing remarkable about me.  I'm employed (though not in a job I love).  I grew up with a single parent (mum), who loves me.  We were not well off, but had what we needed.  My mum and at least one of my sisters have also struggled with depression.  I try not to burden them when I have bad days because I know they struggle too.  And there's the cowardly part of me that knows I'm not particularly good at dealing with other people's emotions and I feel totally unable to handle their situations on top of my own.  That makes me feel even more worthless and selfish.  How can I expect them to be there for me when I feel I can't be for them?

Another example of my cowardly nature concerns my grandfather who is very sick and has been for some time.  I don't go to see him very often, and never by myself, because I feel so uncomfortable there now.  I know this upsets him because his family is everything to him.  My mum called me tonight at work to tell me he had had a fall and was in the hospital.  Tomorrow he goes into surgery and no-one is sure that he will come out of it.  Apparently Pop was asking to see me and wondering why I didn't go to see him as much as the others do.  The thought of having that conversation with him is terrifying to me.  I got off the phone and was in tears, thinking about how awful a granddaughter I've been.  He is suffering a lot more than I and I can't get the courage to give him the one thing that keeps him going, though all others around me can.  What does that say about me as a person? 

This post was supposed to be cathartic.  I appreciate your time if you've managed to work your way through this pity party.  

[Neil_1]

Dear Small Inside

I would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and I really am very pleased that you’ve been able to provide us with your post.  

So many issues there for you Small Inside and one thing we don’t do on this site is to compare situations from one person to another.  EVERYONE who is here is struggling and is 100% justified in what they’re feeling and the difficulty it brings with living day by day.  And believe me, you’ve got enough issues here to be very worthy of being here and I’m glad you’ve come.  I hope that by getting it down was a cathartic experience for you.  

My main suggestion/advice to you would be:   at the very next opportunity, go and see your grandfather.  Go see him as soon as you read this.  It’ll be important on so many levels – your grandfather is obviously wishing to see you and it resonates to me that you are wanting to see him as well.  Spend some time with him and just chat.  But be there – this is so important because if something untoward happens and you’re not able to see him, that can take a lot of getting over.  

As far as being an awful grand-daughter that’s simply not true – you’ve got your demons that you are fighting and no-one can know just how you’re feeling and struggling inside.  Little things that others think are just a piece of cake to do, for us, these little things can be like huge mountains to climb over.  So please, try not to beat yourself up because that’s just what depression is good at doing for us – telling us we’re absolute crap and worthless and that we do the wrong things.  It thrives on that stuff.  

I won’t go on too much more just yet, but the other thing I would like to mention is your medication.  You’ve mentioned that it’s been two years that you’ve been on it.  Have you had a review of your medication recently (or at all)??  Just something to think about, because though you’re on a particular variety, that’s not necessarily saying that the one you’re on is the right one for you.  

With your feeling of being tired all the time – at what time do you take your medication?   If I was guessing I’d be thinking that you might take them of a morning?  Ie:  the feeling of being tired during the day and then not being able to get to sleep at night.  It ‘could’ be that if you take this medication at night time, it could just assist with you getting to sleep?  Just a thought.  

Thanx again for posting and I do hope you’re able to get back to us.  

Neil

[Mares73]

Dear Small inside, Neil has provided some great advice & suggestions. I just want to let you know that having low self esteem, being critical of yourself, judging yourself, feeling worthless are all very common symptoms of depression. When we are hit by a bad episode-we often isolate ourselves as we feel so unworthy & fear others will judge us. Yet it's when we are at our lowest that we often need the care & support of others. I appreciate your family circumstances make it difficult for you to talk about what you are feeling. Having a mum & a sister with depression means you would feel like a burden if you shared your feelings. I also agree strongly with Neil about having a medication review. There is a list of Gps on this site who specialize in treating depression . What do you think about going to see one of those Drs? There would be one in your area. Just a thought. 2yrs is a longtime if you haven't felt any real improvement with the medication you are taking. You will receive genuine compassion, support, advice & care on this forum. I hope that helps as well. Like you I never thought I'd be someone hit by depression. But depression doesn't discriminate-it affects all types of people from all walks of life. Accepting you suffer from an illness is very important. Just as those with other medical conditions (diabetics, asthmatics) require regular medication, monitoring & lifestyle changes-so do those suffering from depression-another genuine illness. I get a sense from your message that you haven't yet fully accepted you have this illness & you question, analyze & criticize yourself for any symptoms you experience. Again this is closely linked to your low opinion of yourself. Often we fear things & doubt ourselves when a particular situation actually turns out to be ok.  You have beaten yourself up about your grandfather. Rather than spending time thinking you are an awful person-why don't you spend some time with your grandfather instead? He would love to see you & you'll most likely find the situation isn't as daunting in reality as opposed to how scary it feels inside your mind. Remember also you are not alone. You have joined a community of people who experience depression in its many forms & other people will have experienced similar situations to yours. Please keep in touch-we are here to support you. Lve Maresxxx