Depressed spouse and lack of sex

[#worriedsick]

Hi ,

My husband is depressed and refuses to seek help.  I would like some advice from people as this has been an ongoing on and off issue for a few years now.  When we first got together and also after our first child our sex life was amazing he was also very affectionate. Now fast forward we don’t have sex, there is no affection and he refuses to communicate so we can resolve our issues. If I approach for sex im am shot down and made to feel bad like it’s all I think about. And affection is always instigated by me and he gets angry like I force that too. Im a generally happy person and do pretty much everything for him and the kids. I try to schedule alone time but he would rather be with the kids. Which is fine until he is keeping them up late like he is avoiding me. He just seems angry with me ALL the time. At the moment I feel sad, rejected, unloved and my self esteem has plummeted to an all time low. How do I approach the subject without starting an argument. How do I express how I feel without offending him. I miss the connection so bad. Thanks in advance for any replies

[therising]

Hi #worriedsick

I feel for you so much as you face certain challenges in your relationship that are leading you to question so much. I think what can make things even harder is when the lines of communication have been shut down, so it can feel impossible to make sense of things and hit on key revelations in regard to the way forward.

As a 54yo gal who's managed ins and outs of depression since my late teens, I've found there to be mental factors, physical factors and soulful or soul destroying factors to depression. One of the many physical (chemical) factors can involve oxytocin and a significant lack of it. While being an element relating to bonding and love, it's often spoken about in the case of post natal depression but not often mentioned outside of that. So, if you're a man with low levels of oxytocin, it can be an issue that may be overlooked. This can also impact sex drive for a man. Of course, there can be so much more going on in the case of depression, other than low oxytocin levels.

Over the years, I've come to see depression (in some cases) as a kind of well. You don't necessarily know you're on the brink and even once you fall into it you may not even know you're in it but part of the way down you can feel yourself in it. You can feel certain levels because they come with mental, physical and soul destroying side effects. The deeper you go, the more intense the side effects. Even certain habits can lead to the depression experience. Like a guy could say 'I can manage/tolerate a lack of friends outside of work and home. I can manage/tolerate working in a soulless kind of job. I can manage/tolerate having no interests or hobbies in my life. I can manage/tolerate no sense of adventure (adding ventures that prevent a 'groundhog day' kind of existence), I can manage/tolerate suppressing or ignoring how I feel my emotions. I can manage/tolerate being the main breadwinner of the family and the pressures that come with that' and so on. Then one day all that can start to become unmanageable or intolerable. Then it can become just downright depressing, especially when inner dialogue takes a dark turn.

Wondering if you have any clues in regard to what led your husband to become depressed. Sometimes retracing the steps, all the way back to the brink and before that, can offer some revelations when it comes to what's led to the point we're at.