Depressed friend leaves depressed friend.

[Making_it_right]

I am new to this, but I am struggling. My dear friend, who is in a deep state of depression, just asked me to no longer communicate with him because he feels it is imperative that he singularly focus on a new relationship with someone he met and fell deeply in love with. He says that he is not able to have any friendship while he focuses on trying to make this work. We have been friends for many years, and there is a great amount of trust and respect between us, but I am not certain what to do, or what to expect, if anything, from this relationship going forward. he has had ups and downs over the course of our friendship, but he was seriously suffering for the last year. He has never found any clinician who he has been able to work with, and he is not taking any medication that I am aware of.

I want to think that this is great news for him, and that he has found a partner who can help him, but I want to better understand if this is any sort of warning sign. I believe that I am one of the few, if not the only person in his life who is aware of what is going on, and I was not able to help him much. I think that out of respect, I want to honor his request, but I just don't know if this is what I should be doing. Is it reasonable for me to think that it is a positive step forward for him to suddenly fall deeply in love when he is clinically depressed without treatment?

He was very clear in his request for no more communication of any kind from me. He said that he needed some sort of finality with me (we are only friends as mutually agreed upon), so that he could singularly focus himself on this new relationship. He said that this woman has been so directly good for him, and that she continues to be, every day. It sounds like this could be just what he needs.

Since I was not able to really help him, and she seems to be able to, is it safe for me to leave it at that? There was no upset or bad moment (he was mostly sad and reserved, but there were no emotional outbursts or anger at that time) between us when I saw him last a few weeks ago, so I figure that if all is as he says, this is a good thing. I figure that if he needs to reach out to me, we have been friends long enough for him to know that he could do that. Does this sound reasonable?

[geoff]

Good Morning and welcome to the forums.

It's sad that he wants no contact from you so he can concentrate on his new love, but after being such a good friend with any new r/relationship depression can be pushed aside, until later on when the two get to know each other then the secrets start to appear.

I think you need to be in the background as two people who have just begun a relationship do what the other suggests but after a while he may be seeking your advice and I would certainly be watching as much as you want to.

You don't really know if you weren't able to help him, he's not taking meds and not seeing a doctor, so it would be difficult to know and while he's seeing this new friend it's unlucky he will.

It's concerning that he can't find a doctor to connect with, this is very important for his recovery and perhaps it might be a good idea for you to see someone, as I think I know how you are feeling trying to accept this

He will always be your friend, you have known each other for such a long time, be there if he needs you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[LeeA18]

He needs to see a professional. Although it is great to help someone with depression, at the end of the day she is his girlfriend, not a psych. I learnt the hard way to just get off the roller coaster. It’s a very difficult time for someone with depression but also their partner.

Don’t ever doubt that you weren’t able to help him. You were a friend, you were there for him. He may not realise it or took it for granted but he will start to miss your friendship. It may have just been the little things that helped him that you don’t even realise 🙂

[Making_it_right]

Thank you for responding. It is extremely helpful to receive an opinion outside of my own. I did my best. In some ways, it is a relief feeling that he is in someone else's care other than mine, but of course I remain concerned. I hope and pray that this is indeed a path to recovery for him. I might speak with my own professional if my own 'loss of a dear friend' blues don't pass in a week or two. Until then, I will simply continue to carry the water and the bamboo.

M.

[Making_it_right]

I did/do realize that he needs professional assistance. I think a few weeks in a program dedicated to managing depression where you are required to put the helpful habits into your daily practices (especially since he is most unwilling to take any 'prescription' medication) would be extremely helpful for him. Maybe this new person in his life has a strong background in psychology and mental illness. She couldn't be any less helpful to him than I was. Thank you for your response. It is comforting for me to hear from others.

M.