Depressed about stuffing up again

[Jo3]

Why is it that everytime I do something I stuff up big time??

 I hate it so much that now I am hating myself so much.  I had a session last night with my regular therapist.  He gave me work to do on the moodgym website.  I started last night.  But then I thought I would like a session next week to discuss certain issues I have but never have time to talk about it. So I emailed him last night.  He replied this morning with - no I don't have any appts for the whole week, I will see you the following week and we can put these issues down on a list to talk about then. And he also told me not to email him a reply because he knew that I would be angry with him and he didn't want a reply. Oh yes I was damn angry with him - why couldn't he fit me in somewhere; why does he have to have boundaries; 

So what did I do? - I emailed him back in my state of rage with him.  I asked him if I could then speak with him today.  His reply was no we will talk on Monday. That made me even more angry so I replied back saying that I was so damn angry with him and that I hated him.  (He knows that I don't really hate him).  He never replied back.

So I guess I have to wait until Monday,  It annoys me because I know that my behaviour was very childish, and prob manipulative as well. All I wanted was to talk to him or even better have another session.

I stuff up all the time; maybe he should give up on me for good.

Jo

[Dennis38]

Hey Jo,

You made an interesting comment that I think really pertains to a lot of us, especially when we are under the control of depression and that comment was "I hope no one on here judges me for what I have done; I feel bad enough without having thoughts about others on here." A good part of why people do not want to get help, or are afraid to get help ( I am including myself in this category before I went and got help) is that we are all afraid of what other people might think, even total strangers.

To me that is one of the strangest aspects, because before I sunk as low as I had I never really cared to much what people thought about me. But as soon as I started to sink into a depression that nearly ended my life, it become very very important to me on what other people might think if they knew I was depressed.

This is fear of other people's judgements is one of the first things that you really need to try and get rid of as it will really help in the healing process. First the only person that has a right to judge you, is you, no one else lives in your shoes and if a person tries to judge you, just blow them off and ignore them, hard some times especially when it comes to family.  Second you need not judge yourself to harshly, let yourself make mistakes, so long as you do not keep repeating the same ones you are moving in the right direction.

Anyways some food for thought 😃 hope you have a great weekend.

[Jo3]

Hey Tony

I'm okay today.  The sun is out, I'm sitting on my deck outside with a coffee and the sun is on my back.  Today we have an open house at 11am so we'll go out for a coffee.  This afternoon I will do a 3km walk with Jersey and my husband.  I love being outside when the weather is so nice. It just makes me feel good.

Stamping my feel - I understand what you're saying.  Hey maybe I didn't stamp my feet enough when I was young and when I did my parents ignored me!!

I am improving even if its little, I am working on my mini goals for the week.  I have to write out weekly goals and email my therapist.  This is good because my goals are achievable and once done I can tick them off.

Thank you Tony for being my friend, I don't have many friends that truly understand what I am going through. I have 3 friends that know of my issues but I can't talk to them like I do to you or the others on here.

So thank you so much, I always look forward to reading your replies.

Have a nice day

your friend Jo xx

[Jo3]

Hey Dennis

I am so hard on myself.  I find it very difficult when I make mistakes because of this right/wrong good/bad thing going on in my head.  I will discuss this with my therapist and pyschiatrist.

Thanks Dennis, greatly appreciated

Jo

[white knight]

Hi Jo,

I dont know about women but with men one of the comments aimed at us that makes me angry is "grow up". At 58yo I'm tired of this. And it happens in group situations. Somebody takes a dislike to you and judges your behaviour then bamm, that comment comes.

I cant ever recall my father being told to 'grow up'. Nor any other adult. But I assume this tag is placed on people that often have mental illness. Did something not develop when we were kids? 

I've always known I lack something I call "street wisdom". Regardless of my security background I never did catch up on that aspect of my ability. Is this one major aspect of why we are here together? talking and communicating together because we make allowances for areas where we are deficient?

And thats what I intended with my post Jo. Firstly I had had a bad day myself which changed my mood. Secondly I think, what do we do about this seemingly immature behaviour that we get out of control with ?

There is only two answers tot his.  Acceptance and progress.

Acceptance- that we ourselves accept that we missed vital areas of our development when we were children and TOO BAD for everyone else out there that judges us poorly for not fitting into the mainstream of "normality". Tough luck for them. We will no longer place a strain on our lives by listening to these naive and nasty Gods and Godesses that parade watching us ready to pounce at any given opportunity they deem fit. We will stand tall and be proud as we have battled internal demons that are not easy to deal with. We will be prouder still of our partners that have endured extra burden by looking after our welfare. We will ....relax with the knowledge that we are "normal" for us, natural, this is how we received the cards of life- it wasnt our fault or intention we ended up this way and its NO BIG DEAL.

And then there's progress.  Well we have progressed simply by being here on this forum or visiting our GP or medical professionals.

Hop you enjoyed your beach walk Jo.