Hi Jo,
You said " why couldn't he fit me in somewhere" Do you know his schedule? How ill are your therapists patients that fill his diary that stop him from fitting you in? What if he was attending events during the week like- going on a well earned break, more training, etc? There are so many things your therapist could be doing that he could not fit you in Jo. But you expected him to make room for you. Also he told you directly not to email him back....but you did. I dont understand either of those actions at all Jo.. You realsie this and it sparks more depression. It's a never ending cycle unless you put into practice the view that prevention is better than cure. Prevent depression by not over reacting.
So you clearly have such emotion that you go against your key supporters, the people you need. But you acknowledge this as being childish. I dont see it as manipulative. More like stamping your feet as you are not getting what you want, when you want it.
This might be classic example to your symptoms of your illness Jo. Maybe your therapist knows this and is wanting change from you, advancement, implementing his teachings, going the next step?
We cant judge the lives and schedules of others. We cant expect others to down tools for us. We must be understanding even when we are at our worst. We cant bite the hand that feeds us. This is an experience Jo that I'm sure you will overcome and it isnt likely to happen again. I say this because cognitive deficiency dictates that our childish ways, what we didnt learn as a child, has to be learned as an adult, one step at a time.
Put it in the past Jo and as Dennis wisely said, forgive yourself. Perhaps instead of saying sorry to your therapist you could walk in and say- "my insistance that you see me last week and my email back to you was lack of respect for you. it wont happen again". It's still and apology without the sorry.
Take care.
