Dealing with SO

[Schmoopy]

My husband and I have been together for 9 years. For the first 6 months he was great, although I did see little red flags here and there. This is his second marriage. One of her reasons for leaving was because she said he was emotionally abusive, he said if you ever feel I’m doing that to you please tell me because I had no idea I was doing it to her. I have told him he’s done it to me but he says I’m being stupid.
He has been addicted to pain medication for 16 years after a terrible accident resulting in multiple knee surgeries that have left him in pain over the years. The problem is he really abuses this medication. If he has a bad day he’ll binge some to make himself feel better but then be light on for the rest of the week because then he won’t have enough. Then he goes into a withdrawal because he’s having way less than normal, it’s a vicious cycle. He has been to rehab once before but didn’t finish it. If I know he’s binged then I can expect what’s coming and prepare myself but sometimes I don’t know. Over the last 2 weeks he’s called me fat, boring and not willing to do anything, which is so odd for me because it’s actually the opposite. I’m always trying to get him out to do things and if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t do anything. He has been diagnosed with depression but supposedly can’t take anything that won’t clash with his pain killers. His pain killers are legitimately from the dr by prescription. His knee is really messed up and they have no issue prescribing them. I feel there must be more to it like some kind of disorder, his moods are insane at times and he can be completely irrational - which I’ve brought up but he won’t discuss it with me. When he’s good it’s awesome but when he’s bad it’s so awful. He gets mean and really personal at times and often gaslights me and tells me I’m the one that started everything. He often has
really excessive reactions to normal situations too. Between the 2 of us we have 4 children and don’t get me wrong for the most part we have an amazing relationship, I wouldn’t have stuck it out if it wasn’t. I guess I just wanted to vent. This weekend has been a bad one and I haven’t dealt with anything like this since March - which is a long time for us. I’ve been walking on eggshells all weekend, it’s hard.

[Lonelydan]

Hi Schmoopy, Welcome to the forums. What a bad situation hey. I guess you should understand the patterns of his behaviour (the red flags) he said if I do that to you tell me and you have. Which means he knows what he’s doing and hasn’t changed his behaviour or helped himself. Does The doctor know he’s been to rehab I’m surprised his still getting the prescription. Abuse is often followed by a honeymoon period then the cycle repeats as your well aware of. Maybe do some googling on narcissistic personalities and addiction to try get a better understanding of your husband. Is this what you want for the next 20 years he’s the one who has to change if he wants the relationship to last otherwise maybe you may draw the line. Eggshells can cut leave a nasty scar and walking with a limp. Lonelydan.....

[blondguy]

Hi Schmoopy

Welcome to the forums.. you dont to have walk on eggshells or tolerate any type of emotional abuse...whether its due to a physical or psychological issue

Even with a serious physical issue we cant take out our frustrations on our partner (anyone). Its unacceptable

I see an intelligent and caring individual.....There is nothing stupid about you Schmoopy

16 years is a long time to be on pain meds...Can I ask if your husband would be open to a joint counselling appointment or even speak to his prescribing GP re his feelings/frustrations? Its only my humble opinion from reading your post that he could find some peace by having a good talk to his doc

Im sorry you have had a bad weekend with your husband being 'reactive' instead of being proactive

Your well being (and the childrens') is paramount...All other considerations are secondary

the forums are a safe and non judgmental place to you to post Schmoopy. I hope you can can post back if and when you wish!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[therising]

Hi Schmoopy

So glad you've come in search of support and understanding. You definitely deserve plenty of support.

Living in a somewhat fearful relationship (walking on eggshells) is certainly no way to live. When someone's not taking responsibility for their behaviour, basically, they're expecting others to take responsibility for it. In other words, they typically expect us to respond in ways that suit them. There are plenty of expressions people will use when they're not taking responsibility, such as 'That's just me, that's just the way I am. Deal with it', 'You're being overly sensitive', 'You're taking things too personally' and the list goes on. So, they're expecting us to adjust to their questionable behaviour. You could say, they're expecting us to become more tolerant of or insensitive to intolerable behaviour. Not terribly fair, hey.

First, knowing what behaviour you don't want to tolerate is important. Second, making it clear you won't tolerate it is also important. Easier said than done at times but sometimes it pays to say it out loud, 'I refuse to tolerate such intolerable behaviour from you'. If there are kids around in the moment, it's significant they witness what you refuse to tolerate. This is a matter of teaching them the skill of knowing what not to tolerate from someone. As a mum, I'd spent some years allowing my kids to witness me as a people pleaser, as opposed to someone who does not allow myself to be subjected to thoughtless and selfish behaviour. By the way, all 3 of us are now in the process of supporting each other in being more upstanding when it comes to what we feel we deserve from others. Goes to show, it's never too late to reform (I'm 50 years old).

Taking responsibility might involve him having to address the unwanted behavioural effects of the pain meds and therefor addressing the overall issue with the meds. Until this addiction is addressed, the behaviour will most likely continue (if it's directly linked to them). Whether there's an element of depression thrown into the mix is maybe something else that needs addressing, as this can impact behaviour too.

Take care of yourself Schmoopy. You're a champion facing a significant life altering challenge. Don't be tempted to think less of yourself while you're in this challenge, no matter what degrading things he may say to you. A star is always a star, no matter what anyone else labels them.

🙂

[Gonetroppo]

Hi Schmoopy,

I really only have one piece of advice: Don't ignore the red flags! I did with my second marriage and went through three years of living hell. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right - at least, not right for you. Chances are, it won't get better either.