Dark depths of despair - it won't go away

[Neil_1]

Me of late … well it’s so hard to put into words.  I know a lot of you have been asking over the last little while.   I’m just so incredibly sad.  Just so low.  And then it makes me angry … with myself and sometimes it borders to others as well.  Not that I want to do any harm to anyone, but it’s just so difficult to express.  

Just over the last couple of days, what I think I’m realising is that I’m still in heavy mourning and still overcome with grief from the loss of my brother and my Dad.  And it’s a long time to be coping with this … 1991 for my bro and 2007 for my Dad.  But I kind of feel like why should I be happy when they’re no longer here.  I feel that why should I get any enjoyment out of anything;  cause Dad and my bro aren’t here anymore to enjoy such things.  Even more so for my brother, cause he was just 29 when I lost him.  But yeah, it’s sometimes like it’s in the days after the funeral, where everyone else is getting on with their lives and I think, “to hell with that … I can’t and won’t live properly – I’m going to continue to feel sad, because I have too.  No one else does this, f**k everyone else, I’m going to feel sad for them forever and I’ll show it to everyone”.  

And all the while, I’m just wasting away my life … and am worried every day that my kids will be ok, that they will turn out alright.   This low, awful feeling has been with me for so long now … and it’s really getting to me you know.  I see my Doc, I see my psychiatrist, my meds have been reviewed;  I have recently had another mental health check and that proved that yes, I am definitely not a normal functioning human being … I’m just … I can’t … anyway, they’ve got me a series of appointments with my psychologist, but the first one isn’t for another month yet. 

 I exercise every day, we have pets at home which are great, by the way … and yet I still feel this low. 

This unbelievable sadness that is ripping the absolute guts out of me.  

You know, I’m on here every day and I reply to all sorts of different folks … wonderful folks … but all the time, you’re hearing these posts from someone who is among their lowest ebbs in life.  I can’t do anything to end my life … I couldn’t and won’t do that to my beautiful family.  For as much torture and hell that I live through every day, if I did that, it would destroy them.  For anyone else who might be reading this … if you’re at that particular way of thinking … please think of the people you’d be hurting so badly who would be left.  I know we have these thoughts and how nice it’d be to not wake up again, but we can’t do this.  I’ve mentioned that we have the demons, the torture, the living hell inside our minds every day … but there’s nothing for it … despite doing you know  “all the right things that they say you should do”, I still am no better.  I’m clearly getting worse.

  So there we are, we are just a under-performing, under-achieving (whoops, sorry, that should have said I am) ……………………….. I want to scream out, I want to cry, but I can’t do the latter and  I’d frighten everyone in this workplace if I did the former.  

 I can’t even think of anything funny to say.  

 Bye for now  

 Neil

[guest75]

Hi Neil

Sorry for taking so long to reply but this new job is taking up a fair bit of my time (which is a good thing)

I understand how you are feeling when you say why should i be happy.  2 years ago i lost my god father, my grand father and my 25yo cousin all within the space of 2 months.  My cousins death hit me especially hard as we were very close with his family, and he and his brother and sister were more like siblings to me than cousins.  I quite often feel like why should i be happy, and more often i think why was it him and not me?  But you do have a right to be happy, and just because you are happy doesnt mean you have forgotten your dad and your brother nor does it mean you are disrepecting them.

You are a very kind person and your words have helped not only me but dozens of others on beyond blue

I wish i could say more to help you but unfortunately i am not good with words but the advice and support you have given me in my time on here has been invaluable in keeping me going
 

[Mares73]

Oh Neil ha ha I'm not ever sure what the "bottom" of what we supposedly hit is...BUT yes Maresy & Mares are used sometimes by people -as-term of endearment.  

I don't know Neil-I just reread my post to you from earlier when you were really down and I thought Gosh I write like such terrible replies. You know I was a policy writer in my previous job and you'd think I could write in an appropriate way to each situation. But maybe because I'm a highly emotional person, I think I let my emotions and sensitivities about the person & situation over-ride any practical advice.

I must commend you, Geoff, GA &  others for their ability to write about their own experiences & also respond so meaningfully to others.  I don't even know if what I've said so far makes sense. An example is that I felt so much emotion for you & what you manage to cope with (despite all the layers of issues underneath the surface),  that my reply was ruled by my emotion rather than more practical support?  

To contextualise THIS message, I woke up feeling hopeless, inadequate & feeling very down. I have an awful migraine which is a side effect of the new increased dosage of stimulant medication. Today I had promised I'd take my 9yr old son out. He has been asking me for ages that the two of us do something together & he is right-we rarely do. He usually does most things with his Dad so I was very anxious about the day. But he woke up & said he was very tired & when I explained his sister was also away tomorrow& I wanted to research some shops including ones he might like so we could go prepared tomorrow, he was a little down but took itreasonably well.

I HAVE to go tomorrow even if I feel worse! And I think I'm starting to worry about how to manage this year & what to do because I can't face another year where I send kids off to school, close the door, burst into tears & then spend the day in my Pjs, lonely, isolated with no ideas of what to do.

I'm aimless & bored & lonely watching the clock until 4pm when the kids get home. It was a terrible, fearful, year where my self esteem declined to the point that I rarely bothered getting dressed & didn't answer ph from good genuine friends who have now moved on.

I got to the point I couldn't face opening the mail-I feared everything. And in situations where I would need something-ie shopping for dinner-I would give my daughter money & she would buy things for me after school.

So in summary-I'm terrified of another year like that-basically existing-tI was only living in the sense that I was physically breathing etc. But I wasn't experiencing any forms of "living" in the sense of having any experiences or attempting any opportunities that may have been enjoyable. I seriously cannot face another year simply existing. I need to sit down & write a list of possible things I could try out & commit to doing them. That has to be one of my top priorities for the year starting ASAP.  

Sorry Neil I didn't intend to come here to whinge about my problems I came here with the sole intention of saying that it was great you could share so much of what you've been experiencing & I appreciate that what you wrote was not the sum total of the issues you feel & need to deal with at some point. But slow & steady etc.

You have started on your journey & that takes a lot of courage & self awareness. I commend you for reaching the stage you have-because it's not easy & each phase takes courage, insight & the willingness to confront painful feelings and/or experiences. My tendency is to avoid those things & my next challenge is to start confronting things rather than avoiding and running away from them. So you have already addressed some difficult issues.

And Neil-isn't it always easier to see or focus on our negative qualities rather than see our progress & achievements? Yet I can see your incredible strength & courage amongst many other qualities. You probably wouldn't see these qualities due to your low self-confidence & self worth. Anyway I hope today is a decent day & ill be thinking of you & sending "positive vibes".

Lve Maresy xxx

[Neil_1]

Hi (just me back again)  

Wow, again I’ll say it, you guys never cease to help me (the same as you do for so many others as well).  With everyone battling their daily demons and a number being no doubt, sleep deprived as well, but still are able to punch out support.  It’s just amazing.  

Maresy, the aimless, bored and lonely person was the person that lived in the year 2013.  The person who is writing to us now is a person who is pushing forward and moving ahead;  taking positive steps to fulfil themselves and better themselves. 

This year you’ll be facing a year that will see you in your own progression of goals and achievements.  And these don’t need to be big ones at all … little ones are the ones that we want to focus on … because after all, little ones are going to be much more achievable and the success rate for completion will obviously be a lot higher.  

That was such a great thing to read where you were setting up a plan for your son so you’d be able to spend time with him in a quality and set fashion.  Good stuff.  

So yes, get onto that list Mares … even do a few.  The list that you’ve mentioned above, for goal setting … and I guess, do put in some larger ones, but I think for the most part, just try and stick with smaller achievable goals … and perhaps beside each goal, why not put down a really “good” thing … ie:  something you enjoy doing … and so complete the goal and then go to the next column to find your ‘reward’.  What do you reckon?  

Cheers one and all and to one and all, a hearty cheers  

Neil