Counselling Addict?

[2518]

My psychologist cancelled my appointment, which means my next one is a whole month from now. This is the 1st time in my life seeing a psych, & I'm starting to become needy for it, which frightens me. In the past, I stuffed my pain down, which allowed me to function like an automaton (or a walking corpse). I was stiflingly numb. But ever since revealing my pain to him, it's like I've opened a pandora's box of suffering, & I can't shut it. It feels awful to open my wounds, only to stitch it back up again after the 50 minute session is up, & having to wander around with fresh wounds for two weeks till it's time for another session. I'm halfway through the bulk billed sessions, & won't be able to afford the full price of the sessions, so I feel like I'm in a worse situation than I was before, b/c at least previously, I could (or at least I could pretend to) stuff my feelings down & remain numb & distracted to it, but ever since I started talking about it, I can't seem to shut that box anymore. It's crept to the surface of my mind & is bleeding all over my daily life. I just know I won't have scratched the surface of my past trauma by the time the 10 sessions are up. I'll just be one big fat walking wound. We're talking about a life time of misery that I have to address. Childhood physical/emotional abuse, sexual assault, job issues, toxic relationships, low self esteem etc. It's like by seeing a psychologist, I've become addicted to talking about my problems & my pain, that I'm constantly like a drug addict waiting for my next fix every fortnight. Anyone relate to these feelings?

[future_]

most definately. i too have used all my sessions taken but still haven't found a councillor cheap enough to pay for, with mental health such a huge issue they should be not be more than $20 per hour and they would have lots of people weekly more often. think happy thoughts my friend i too am living a life of work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep i wish i had a partner to go home and eat, talk, watch telly with, go to movies with, society has changed so much i worry about next generation xoxo sam.

[PamelaR]

Hello 2518 and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Life is sounding quite difficult at the moment having had all your wounds opened. I can truly relate to what you are going through. I'm not a health professional though I can share some of my experiences with you.

It is good you have found your way to our community of caring, friendly, supportive and non judgmental people.

You say you feel like a 'drug addict waiting for my next fix in a fortnight'. Yes, I can relate to that (though to be honest I'm not sure how that would feel, because I've never used drugs). But I have waited for my appointments and often felt I could not live without seeing her or him. When I first started my therapy to look at my childhood traumas, it was just like you say, opening pandora's box of suffering and not being able to shut it. Unfortunately I have to say, it can be that way. However, I would do it all again so that I can heal like I am now and to truly live my life without that darkness hovering over me all the time. I have recovered.

Is there anything that is troubling you at the moment that you would want to share in a public space? There is no pressure for you to do so, just letting you know we're hear to listen if you want. A month away is an awful long time.

What are the chances of your psychologist being able to move your appointment forward since this one was cancelled? I'm sure you could talk and let them know how you're feeling. It's okay you know to grieve for yourself. You've been through an awful time in your life. My heart goes out to you.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Croix]

Dear 2518~

I read your other post too, about the anger close to the surface. When you start with a psychiatrist or psychologist, and I guess a counselor too, it is a whole new world, and if you are like me it not only brings things to the surface that have been ignored or even forgotten, but also does give a glimmer of hope that all the suffering means something and will help make things better. That's not being an addict, that's responding to hope and a perceived ally, quite reasonable really.

All of that of course is in an ideal world, and sadly the MH system is not ideal. A maximum of 10 sessions per year simply is not near enough, and many people are stuck as a result. I can quite understand your feeling it might have been better not to have started.

Frankly it is no good your councilor closing eyes to the fact there are only limited number of sessions and plowing on regardless. Can I suggest you spend you next session, whenever it may be, discussing coping strategies for firstly cancelled appointments and secondly what to do when the sessions finish, at least for this year.

Some people find a GP with an interest in MH who bulk bills and this tides them over. Others try to find a bulk billing psych (unfortunately quite hard to find).

On a personal level, do you have friends or family that you can be with and talk to? Having people that care and want to support can be a real relief, even if they do not quite understand.

A lifetime of problems will of course not resolve easily or quickly. Here at least you will find people that do understand and are going, or have been, down the same path. There are also organizations who specifically deal wiht childhood abuse. If you ring our 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 they may be able to put you in touch with one in your area.

I do hope you are comfortable enough to keep on coming here.

Croix