Confused, Alone,Lonely - Why me

[Notmyself]

I don't know where it came from or why it chose me. I;m not a bad person, I do good things, I put everyone before my self, I try so hard to constantly get the love and approval from those around me, And look where its now left me. Broken, alone, hurt, lonely,sad, angry,confused,frustrated. DEPRESSED. 

I know now, its been there for a long time, however only when I saw it made the person I love want to walk away from me did I decide to ask for help. 

It has to have been the hardest thing I have ever done, walking into the Dr sitting down in tears and asking for help because I dont know whats going on any more. My head is a mess, the thoughts, the night mares, too many emotions for me to handle, I try to talk to friends and family , but everyones response is, oh you'll be ok. You just need to stop thinking about it. 

Yeah right easy to say, but how they have any idea what its like to have something consume every part of you. How do I turn off the feeling of constant pain,stress and sadness? Its not a light switch. 

I was put on anti depressants, but I feel they're doing nothing, as im going through a break up that has seemed to have just thrown me into a never ending spin of thoughts, and feelings i cant handle. The one person I want to help me cant be with me now, because of the person I have become. 

How do I combat all these feelings and thoughts to want to get better? How do I make the people around me understand that whats happening to me isn't just a bad day or a bad week. Its an illness, Im trying really hard but feel Im getting no where. 

I feel stupid and hopeless. I dont have anyone close enough to me who I can tell my feelings to, I have trouble putting them into words verbally. I came here for support and guidance, 

[geoff]

dear LPaige, I can't say how sorry I am for you, depression strikes at anybody no matter how good they or even if they desirable, but from your post you seem to be a lovely person, and if you are a male, sorry, but you know what I mean.

This response from people who say 'you'll be OK', well this is rubbish, depression isn't like a piece of toast you pick up from the floor and then it's gone, it's an illness that is so debilitating and destroys our life in every way possible.

When nobody takes us for real and can't believe what this illness is capable of doing then they are no help at all.

And these people maybe close friends who will finally walk away from you, because they can't handle trying to talk to someone with depression, as they always tell us what to do, but we can't do it, so they give up, and then distance themselves from us, friends no they aren't.

This is why your friend walked away.

People don't believe us or understand what this illness has the capability of doing to us, it wrecks our lives and there we are stuck in the middle of a tiny island.

How long have you been on antidepressants and how many have you tried.

Please get back to us there are heaps of people here who can give you advice and certainly support, and you need this now. Geoof.

[Notmyself]

Thank you Geoff. I really appreciate your reply. 

Your right on the money when you say people don't believe or understand, because for a long time I didn't believe myself that I could Have depression, oh no its just a bad day or a bad week not that there was something that had crept inside me and taken control of my every thought or move! 

I find it really hard to communicate my exact feelings, coz even I don;t really understand whats going through my mind sometimes, the thoughts, the dreams and hopes! It's all in my head but how do I get it from there to paper or into a conversation, I find all I can say is oh im just sad, I dont know why or something along those lines. 

I find my self thinking about what would happen if something terrible were to happen to me, who would actually care, or even the thought of i wonder if I killed myself would people realize. Not that I've ever actually thought about killing myself. 

I juts don't know how to juggle all these thoughts with my everyday life. Im lucky that my work are very understanding of me and my current situation.

I have been on the medication for about a month now, and am soon to start some CBT but I work away so getting appointments is difficult at times, thats why my doctor suggested this site!! The pills I am on are an SNRI.

I feel lost all the time, very hurt and confused, Im unsure what to do with myself. 

[geoff]

dear LPaige, thanks for getting back to me.

The trouble is that people can confuse you, because if you do say to them that you maybe depressed, the first thing they say back to you, is rubbish, how could you be depressed, look at what you're got, everything, so why the hell the could you possibly be depressed.

We have a problem trying to explain to someone and let's take for example your psych, when they ask you 'how can I help you', then where the hell do you start, because there are a million thoughts going through your mind, so you say -----, but then you suddenly think of something else which is completely way off what you were saying, so we get so messed up, but that's what depression does to us, sounds stupid but it's true.

If the medication doesn't kick in shortly contact your doctor and they may increase the dosage, and I would suggest a couple of things, firstly read some comments on this site, and secondly google stories about CBT, and thirdly have a look at the personal stories at the top of this page. Geoff.

[Notmyself]

Hi Geoff, 

Thanks for your replies they honestly make me feel like im not as crazy as i feel half the time. 

Your right, people say how can u be depressed your always joking around and smiling and making others happy, what that don't realize is I haven't slept in nearly a week, or I cry myself to sleep and wake up crying or haven't eaten in 14 days! 

I have come on here countless times and read loads of stories and get an understanding I'm not alone and that I can talk here and know people aren't judging me or thinking I'm lying. 

I will be talking to my Doctor as soon as I get back from being away for work, somethings gotta give I cant continue on this path. My boyfriend has left me and has been playing with my head since and has probably made things that much worse for me, but the thing is I allow it because I want to be with him and the small amount of lovely things he says make me feel good for a moment and think we will be ok, but I don't know if i am doing the right thing. He makes me feel like i'm crazy and not normal. 

I hope there's a silver lining for me in the distance. 

Thank you sooo much for your guidance. 

[geoff]

dear LPaige, it appears as though your boyfriend is playing with you, so you have to balance between him making nice remarks to you compared to him criticising you and bringing you down, and which you do tolerate only to a certain degree.

Personally by making nasty remarks far outweighs him teasing you by his lovely comments, and you have to remember that he has already left you, and even if there is a reunion it's something that will always be in the back of mind, and in an awkward situation then he will make these comments again.

So in your recovery this chap will only hamper your return to good help, and if you still love him then this will be upsetting for you. L Geof. x

[Notmyself]

Hi Geoff, 

You are right. In every way. Your so wise and very valuable to me. 

He has been living in my house for the last month even though we are not together, he still sleeps in my bed and hugs me during the night. Its like torture for me. 

I came away for work with the hope of leaving it behind me and taking this opportunity to learn my self and to accept that we are no longer together, but if i'm honest it has made it that much harder. The last 2 days have been incredibly bad for me and I just don't know. Like I could almost always count on him before and now when hes the first person I want to run to I know I cant. which then upsets me more. 

I have told him he needs to out of my house by the time I return and I just hope he is gone. 

This is the last thing I need on top of everything else eating me alive. 

I feel so hopeless in every way. Im not eating, I sleep poorly, I feel so distressed and like I need a reality check, I feel so alone and lonely constantly no matter how many people are around me. I just want it to go away Its all consumed me and I cant even think of anything before this. 😞 

[geoff]

dear LPaige, thanks for getting back to me.

This guy sleeps in your bed for one reason and one reason alone, expecting for Adam and Eve to join together, it must be like torture for you.

It's no wonder you can't sleep at night, eat properly and if he won't leave then you could ring the police, but I would be careful if you do this because he became violent, and that's the last thing you want.

You are too delicate to have to keep this creep in your life, you need someone much better, someone who will enjoy you and this goes both ways. Take care and please keep us posted. L Geoff. x

[Notmyself]

Hi Geoff, 

Although what your saying makes sense, this isnt the case, he doesnt try to be like that with me now, and he says his reason for staying is because he worries that I cant cope now and he wants to be there for me and act as a friend. Which I partly believe but on the other hand I fear its purely because he has no where to go and he knows I want to be with him, so hes in no danger of being with out a home! I can say 100% he would never be violent with me. 

We were getting on so well, before a stupid tiff over a fish tank got involved. I had my entire life planned with him and I cant let go of it. He tell me that he thinks he will want to be with me again and I worry if hes just saying these things to try protect me. 

I've started a journal. For my thoughts and just what ever comes to mind. I hope to let certain people close to me read it so they might get a better understanding of how I'm feeling. 

I feel horrible. I want to go home and I want to be with my dog. 

x 

[geoff]

dear LPaige, thanks for taking the time in replying.

Your puppie will keep you warm and comfortable, they are always reassuring, and their love never goes away.

I know that you are not well, so please don't leave this site, because I would like to know how you are coping, so it's important for both of us. L Geoff. x