Can the profession help people like me?

[ssscrambled]

Hi,

Like some others in this   cascade of depressed people, I have recently been thinking about   suicide.

Essentially my story is that I have been unable to shake this idea since I was about 16 years old (I’m now almost 36) when I first came to the realisation - or conclusion, because I wish I could be wrong - that maybe life is meaningless (in the sense that we’re just chemical reactions, and that every thing and every idea that every culture in the world has ever created is artificial on some level), and that I don’t have what it takes to distract myself sufficiently from that (ie I’m not smart enough or talented enough or insightful enough or rich enough to ensure I can do all the things I want all of the time).

I have had good times and bad times, there are many people in my life whom I love, and who love me, and I am wealthy to the extent that I would probably never have to work a day in my life again if I didn’t want to, and could still afford to live in a nice house (albeit with my parents for the time being!!), and keep my beautiful classic Ferrari. I have also done a lot of thinking about what I think is the most urgent and important way in which I can contribute to the world I live in, while still having a satisfying career – and so I have done quite a bit of study, and now work to the best of my modest ability to help ensure our society does all it can to improve children’s lives, to keep them safe, and to ensure they have every chance to reach their own potential. I also donate to charities, I protect rainforests, I socialise, I exercise, I participate in the political process. I’ve done a lot of travelling, I’ve worked in various industries (and spent substantial amounts of time deliberately not working as well), and I’ve devoted a lot of time and effort towards exploring my interests.

I’ve also seen a range of psychotherapists over this time. I have put quite a lot of effort into identifying combinations of medication that work for me (and am currently on a some pills that I think work very well comparatively-speaking). I’ve also tried a range of non-medical drugs (though actually I don’t enjoy any of them much, except for alcohol). I have discussed my issues at length with psychologists, witch doctors, friends, lovers, my mum, etc etc.

I have also resolved that no matter how hard it gets, I would never do myself in out of consideration for those close to me.

But these days it’s just not enough. Now I have urges  to kill myself. It’s not just, as many support services tell you, that “suicidal people don’t want to die, they just want to end their pain”; I don’t. I’m not averse to pain, though it’s true I’d rather minimise the predominance of it. But more than that, I want to avert the necessity to continue to live in the way I have been thus far for another 50 or so years.  

It’s true that I do have my hang-ups, which I could probably address more diligently. I know that I’m lazy, that I’m a procrastinator, and that I have a propensity to take the easy way out a lot of the time – and this causes me to be less effective than I could be. More significant than this (though possibly related) is the fact that I have a very strong, very fundamental sense of self-loathing, or that I’m somehow less important than other people. My usual approach to interpersonal interactions is that I do them to a background understanding that whoever I’m dealing with will probably find me unbearable, and that I need to just do what I need to do and get out of their way as quickly as possible so that they do not become polluted by my existence… or at the very least so that they don’t get the chance to get a window into what I’m really like. The evidence tends to suggest that people do find me hard work in any case. Lastly I’ll concede that I probably have some problems with attachment and that I can relate to the literature on attachment disorders – and as such I question whether I’m even capable of feeling close to other human beings. This is something I try to be mindful of when I interact with others.

Perhaps surprisingly then I am also aware that I do have some good qualities. I can be very charming, fun, and good (if slightly awkward) company, and some people do warm to me. I think that I set high standards for myself, and for others, and when I get involved in something I do it pretty well. I think I have a lot of integrity, patience, consideration and empathy for other people, and after quite a difficult slog and a few disasters along the way I’m now fairly well-equipped with the social skills to be able to treat people accordingly, and also to recognise when other people aren’t doing the same for me - and to let these people go. I can feel love – in fact I would go so far as to say that love is one of the most powerful force in our lives (as long as we can allow it to be). I pursue my love interests in a measured but passionate way… though I also realise that meeting someone one truly connects with as an equal is an almost once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, and so when I am rebuffed by people I’m interested in I feel no resentment whatsoever because I know it’s entirely their choice to make. They can’t be responsible for my feelings, and I can’t be responsible for theirs either, or try to change them. I can only be myself.

But again, being myself ultimately means not wanting to be here at all.  Twenty years is a long time, and I feel as though throughout this time I have tried pretty hard to find something to hold onto, but have been continually drawing blanks. Admittedly things could have been very different if the human species had shown some sign that it was responsible enough to do things like avert climate change, the destruction of natural environments and the extinction of species, keep limits on population growth, distribute its wealth equitably, and resist the oh-so compelling temptations to go to war with one another. At the same time however, I sometimes catch myself thinking that maybe these things really aren’t significant enough to be worth thinking about. The worst thing about being depressed is that it makes big problems seem small - and my own apathy and intransigence in the face of my selfishness and spiritual poverty, as indeed in that of my own species, makes me all the more despicable in my own eyes, and all the more unworthy to take my place in it.

So where to from here? In a sense I’d almost feel that this might be grounds to hark back to the darker days of psychotherapy, and just blitz my capacity to feel rather than try to support me to feel better. I’d probably be an excellent candidate for a lobotomy for example, or for being locked up in solitary confinement so I’d at least be allowed the luxury of going properly insane. In earlier times I might simply have decided that if my brain was of no further use then at least my body could be, and so I could join the army, or go into a monastery or something like that (perhaps the modern equivalent being to become a labourer at a mine site and drink myself senseless every night). 

I guess I would be happy to go into a psychiatric hospital for a little while, do a course of ECT, or undergo some kind of experimental treatment in the interests of developing new techniques for use more widely.   I could also/instead spend a year living with my mum, restoring my poor old Maserati that I crashed last year (yep, I like cars...), and going to counselling/psychotherapy a couple of times a week (I am a bit dubious on psychologists though, as invariably they insist that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I should just try to do more fun stuff). And at this point that all sounds like little more than a dreadful waste of time and money, but then I suppose I’m hardly in a position to make decisions about that.

Ideas?

[amamas]

Hi ssscrambled

I'm sorry I couldn't read all of your post because my brain doesn't work all that well these days (PTSD brain).

I'd like to ask you a question and I'm sorry if you covered this already in your post.  What do you LOVE doing?  I mean love doing so much that in that moment nothing else exists in the entire world?

I discovered last week up in Cairns that I've been so focused on trying to get better/or not depending on how I am, that I'd stopped having moments of joy. I LOVE snorkelling!!  When I was out there on the Great Barrier Reef it was like I was floating above this magical world and I was in the moment.  No thoughts!  It was so incredible!!  

Cheers amamas

[ssscrambled]

Hi amamas, and thanks for the message.

I have thought about this (as you would expect:-)... I actually really love snorkelling too, not just being in the water surrounded by amazing wildlife, but also learning to use my body in different ways. Breathe. See what it can do differently. That sort of thing. Did some of this on a recent holiday in the Solomon Islands (though admittedly not that recently - and I wonder whether being depressed makes you more patient, because it lowers your expectations). I'm off to East Timor in December and will no doubt have a chance to do a few duck-dives there as well.

 What I find though is that the effect of doing the things I love wears off very quickly. I'm not good at compartmentalising the experience, and so for example when I'm going snorkelling I can't help but think about how most of the reefs in the world are being destroyed, how some kinds of fish have been so fished-out that they can't even fish them any more, how it would feel to be a fish being hauled out into a lethal environment by a hook that's stuck in your mouth... Secondly, it just brings home to me how little capacity I have to ensure I will get the chance to do fun things in the future (not just because I can't afford to, but also because I'm not very good at getting on with people enough for them to want to do fun things with me - and it's just not the same otherwise).

I do very much recognise the value of doing the things that you love, but perhaps my problem is that I need to get over some sort of hump before I can feel as though I'm in a position where I can feel good about doing them.

Which is why at the moment I'm feeling like the best strategy is to relinquish my independence and have another person or service system do my thinking for me for a while - because it seems that whenever I think for myself I just go completely... ssscrambled!

So perhaps if there are other readers who have managed to get themselves into a situation of this sort then I would be really interested to know how you did it, and what the effects have been.

Thanks!

[amamas]

Hi ssscambled

Thanks for getting back.

I had those exact same thoughts my first snorkel up on the reef.  I grew up in PNG so I snorkelled many years ago on untouched magnificence.  So there I was on the Great Barrier Reef and all I felt was intense sadness.  I actually emailed my psych because everyone on board were all so happy and I just felt like crying at all the destruction I was swimming over.

I remembered my psych has taught me radical acceptance.

Thats what I did before my second snorkel. I accepted that there was death and destruction beneath me.  I also accepted that I found this soooo painful because it was like looking at myself.  

The snorkel after that was really good and from then on they got better and better - totally AWESOME in fact!!

It was like I couldn't access my JOY because I was trying to pretend my intense sorrow and pain weren't there.  Like I was trying to jump to joy not realising I had a huge pile of shit in the way.

I am still amazed at how effective it was - radical acceptance!

I always thought I couldn't truly access my joy until I'd shovelled all the stinky foul shit out of the way.  When in actual  fact I just had to accept it was there

I hope this helps

cheers amamas 

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear scrambled,

"My usual approach to interpersonal interactions is that I do them to a background understanding that whoever I'm dealing with will probably find me unbearable and that I need to just do what I need to do and get out of their way as quickly as possible so that they do not become polluted with my existence".

It's possible to see a simile between your "disasters of the planet unfolding" and your personal relationship theory.  But I reckon it's natural to avoid the pain of a difficult relationship or bounce off someone once the deal is done.

I am sure it could go the other way too - you could also have the "usual" approach in this regard of NOT polluting family & friends.   Having a "background understanding" that human nature is very complicated yet intrinsic.  Maybe, your own depression is good at piling up the world's worries and justifying the way each concern affects your depressive side.  It wouldn't take long to get to suicidal ideation with that much self perpetuating negativity. 

I felt like I was watching the water in the bath tub swirling down the gurgler when I read your thread.  You really let it all go and describe many situations that are today's world problems.    But, we all have our own plugs to stop the flow and maybe keep a little water in the bath for Rubber Ducky to sail supremely along and present an audacity of spirit.   It's not much but there seem to be pockets of calm in most of our lives.  For me it's walking the dog.  You seem to enjoy the Reef.  Kind of weird how a reef can be a thing of beauty and also shipwreck and cause trauma to so many lives. But then a rock can be a diamond.

Guess what's "usual" for you would be "unusual" for someone else.  Unfortunately sometimes when problems are "fixed" we still have that critical oversight.   Depression really sucks that way.  Maybe depression is really a scramble-isation.  Like you are on board the SS Scrambled, so to speak.

Adios, David.