Confronting a bad father

[Belladonna123]

Hi, so I have a terrible dad. He and my mum divorced when I was 4. I won’t go into every terrible thing he did but he basically gave me, my mum and all my sibling trauma. I’ve been pretending that I don’t know about all the awful things he did and pretending I still love him, but I don’t know how much I can keep doing it. I would tell him how I feel but the thing is he still sends us money and I’m afraid if I cut ties with him, he’ll stop the money which will negatively affect not just me, but also my little brother. Everyone says there’s no point in yelling at him because he’ll never change. I know that and it’s not about him changing, it’s about me getting this burden off my shoulders. To anyone out there who’s had to deal with an abusive parent or family member, please give me thoughts. I’ve been in therapy for over 10 years because of this man but I’m scared of what might happen if I burn that bridge. Will I regret it? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's really good you have asked for clarity because, removing a person from our lives can be the biggest decision ever, we want to know if it is the right one. It's your decision but I'm hoping I can give you the tools to make that right decision.

So I've grown with a dysfunctional family with destructive elements, revenge, manipulation and mental illness that some are in denial. To rise up above all that has been challenging, but worht it in the long run.

So my mother I havent seen for 12 years, she's 92yo now and my sister that sadly followed her ways I cut ties last December for the same reasons. For me it was 1/ acknowledging wrong behaviour and confirming it from others because gaslighting from them was telling me I'm wrong in my assessment of them when all along my gut instinct was correct 2/ if I decide to tolerate them then it means understanding them and getting the best out of a poor relationship 3/ Accepting my own decisions and moving on.

So with your dad there is reason to investigate his behaviour among your judgements to fully understand the reasons he is who he is. In my case denial by my mother put paid to any hope of further contact because her ruining my wedding then threatening to ruin my 2nd wedding was the straw that broke the camels back. I didnt need any further evidence of toxicity. 

Your "pretending I still love him" is denying yourself the right not to love him. We dont need to feel obliged to love anyone, we can downgrade that to like/dislike/tolerate etc. We can also replace blood (I have two ladies I see as my mother now). Sometimes giving up love leads to guilt so it distorts our ideal life path.

Being a past payer for my children (child support) although it was a obligation happy for me to do, it can be a substantial figure of money and that is a positive for character of your dad (being realistic here) and it can be something to grab onto for a positive. However, I respect your right not to tell us what he did in the past that was so bad, so all of this clarity is in foggy territory because it depends on that as to my post here.

"Getting this burden off my shoulders".. thats good but you need to establish what will allow you to get it off those shoulders to the point whereby you can accept it better and move forward. Will it be advantageous to seek counselling with your father? It can be really beneficial to both people with a 3rd person leading the way. The answers he gives could be crucial to your decisions and outlook. 10 years in therapy and you are still dwelling on his past actions is telling that you need an extra method to move on. I worked in a jail decades ago and there were inmates that were pure evil and there were others that due to circumstances they took the wrong actions. Both extremes still had, in most cases, family that visited them.

What is clear is that you have, unlike many, tried hard to seek solutions. At such a young age when all this started has left your life in a vacuum where calm and security usually flourishes. Pat yourself on the back for that. So I'd write down all the issues and the results you'd like from them and proceed with some form of contact for clarity (depending on the nature of his past actions).

I hope that helps. Reply anytime

Use search for - Cutting ties, clarity and confidence

TonyWK

[Belladonna123]

Thank you for your understanding and your advice. It’s a bit easier hearing it from someone with an impartial view. I’m sorry about the problems you had to deal with as well and hope you’re having a good life right now. 

[Earth Girl]

It can be really hard to know if you should confront or not in these situations. Do you think he might get violent or just really angry? If you think he could get violent, I wouldn't do it because your safety is very important. Even if he just gets really angry, it could still be scary though. He might try to get back at you as well. If you do decide to this, I would probably do it via the phone.

I fully get wanting to get a burden off your shoulders. I wish I could tell my parents that they act one way in public, but often act a completely different way at home, but I'm worried what my Dad might do.

My psychologist told me that when it comes to things like this that it is worth telling them if it makes you feel better even if they get mad at you.

Will you still be able to survive without the money he sends you? Also, is your little brother really young? Because if he is and your father stops sending you both the money, he won't be able to understand what's going on and he won't know why you have a problem with your father.

[tranzcrybe]

As I recall, you are around 19 years of age. Father may no longer be bound to pay support anyway as you are an adult - either he has forgotten this (?) or continues to provide for the children he lost through his actions by way of penance or some attempt to say sorry for what you were put through.
But we all know he will never change... could this same trait reside in his offspring who remain steadfast in their views and closed to new thoughts?
While I can't say I had an abusive father, some would argue that neglect can also leave scars. It took many years to put the past behind me and clear my bias - no, he never changed but fortunately I did to find an appreciation and acceptance in his final years.