Bullied and feel disgusting

[Danni554]

I've been bullied at work for a while now, it was really bad last year and its mostly from two people, and I have been struggling really badly from it all while in isolation. I'm dreading going back just because of one of them in particular to the point I have a mild anxiety attack multiple times a day and feel like vomiting, but i love my job so much I don't want to lose it.

One of the guys I work with we got along really well when I started, he trained me for 3-4 months, we did not talk much after, later we got seated next to each other and he made some sexual comments which I didn't instigate, he walked up behind me and said it. He is married and now has a 1 year old daughter. He's been caring if i've cried at work or left sick, this is very rare though. Most of the time he hits things around his desk that are near me, he gets very angry at me but doesn't verbally say much, he does things he knows will upset me, he snobs me, he went to lunch with his wife and baby daughter then came back and tried to get my attention. He cuts me out of conversations and looks disgusted if i talk at work, he blanks me physically out of any conversations he can when everyone at work goes to the pub on Fridays and he makes me uncomfortable to go socialise with everyone. I tried for a long time to calm him down but it hasn't worked, like I bought him $100 worth of baby gifts. He's the favourite at work so the last thing i want to do is complain against him, especially when he talks about how happy him and his wife are with their daughter and how excited they are about her growing up. This whole thing has made me feel disgusting, i bought some new clothes for my birthday and i hated myself when i tried them on and didn't want him thinking I bought it for him or I've tried to lose weight for him. He has said before that he felt like a friend of mine was trying to learn English just to talk to him, when my friend was just trying to make friends with everyone and he couldn't and eventually left to work somewhere else. I've caught him not doing his job properly more times than i can count and he's lied to people and he's gaslighted me when i tried to ask him to stop being rude to me. I don't care for reporting him or anything I just want to feel good about myself again and gain some confidence back. It upsets me I'm jealous of him, my partner doesn't love me like his does and he gets the best stuff at work, everyone loves him and he's very talented and privileged.

[Tay100]

Hi there Danni554

Thanks for posting, we know it can be a difficult thing to do when you are feeling low and vulnerable. We appreciate you being here. It can be hard when we have felt more or less a certain way for a long time, but please know it is valid and you are not alone. If I could gently suggest that you check out this thread here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/treatments-health-professionals-and-therapi... you may be able to find people who resonate with your experience (and vice versa).

More importantly, you able to find a professional service to help you deal with these feelings in and out of the workplace. They can offer solidarity and general advice if that's something you are interested in. You can also chat more in this thread too, if you feel that would help you. I hope these things make you feel less isolated and that you can make helpful connections. Please know that we hear you and believe you- keep us updated if you like.

Sending kindness,
Tay100

[Tangney]

Hi Danni554. I think I'm probably a bit older than you. Anyway, even if not, I've been in lots of different workplaces over the years and have seen a lot. Unfortunately, I've seen the person you've described many times, both as an observer and as someone who has been on the receiving end of this kind of erratic and unpredictable behaviour. It's strange how these people manage to endear themselves to others, but I think that sometimes we don't realise that others do see these problematic behaviours and try to get along with the person because they don't want to antagonise this guy and then become the victim themselves. Some take the view that "if it's not happening to me, it's not happening". Also just in my own life generally, I have found that people who feel the need to constantly brag about how good their lives, their families, their friends etc are, are usually trying to compensate for a less than perfect set of circumstances and are often either miserable or resentful of where they find themselves. Sometimes such people try to make themselves feel good by making others feel bad. I also think that these sorts of behaviours are often amplified in the modern office setting where workers are forced to sit at very close proximity, able to hear all conversations around them work related and otherwise, and with inadequate quiet spaces where work can actually get done. This can really drive some people nuts as being forced to be near someone so distasteful day in and day out is actually creating an environment that is inhuman. Show ponies like the guy you're describing thrive in environments where they can monopolise all the attention in the team. I'm hoping myself that one good thing to come out of this pandemic is that workplaces that don't provide proper space will have to be redesigned. Are you able to move to a desk further away from this person?

[Danni554]

Hey Tangney,

I'm sorry to hear you've received this too. I am in my middle twenties and this is my first proper job which I've worked hard for and have been promoted twice in two years so its very important to me. This guy is middle thirties and is seen as the best at work, I've had friends come and leave that have thought otherwise but that is the general vibe he gets. He's made fun of me to my face and laughed at me and humiliated me, I've felt really depressed from everything and don't have a good view of myself because of it. He says he doesn't settle for anything but the best with anything, I'm a very easy going person and I am the opposite I don't look for the perfect thing I'm happy to fix something slightly broken or do whatever is easiest. People have noticed things but they have never said anything or stood up for me except one because he's leaving anyway and he normally has to deal with my crying at the end of the day. This guy knows my relationship is very up and down with no middle ground so sometimes he rubs in my face what a good time him and his wife have, they seem like the most perfect couple so I get very confused why me and why upset me. I can't move away from him for a number of reasons, anyone that upsets him gets let go, I can't be seen as unfriendly towards him because everyone loves him, he gets the best stuff at work to do and I get much better assignments because he's beside me and my boss assumes he helps me.

[Gambit87]

Hi Danni554,

I'm sorry you are experiencing this! Sounds like this guy really needs to be put in his place.

I've have never experienced work place bullying before, But I have experienced people who have 'superiority complex' try to have it over me (if that makes sense) and the trick is (what Ive found anyway) is to not feed them/dont care what they think. Let them talk about themselves etc and just act uninterested and say something like cool story bro. Brick wall them enough and they tend to stop

I know all this is probably easier said then done etc, but at the end of the day you're entitled to work in a safe/bully free workplace. Maybe have a quick chat to your boss/co workers?

[Tangney]

Hi Danni554. I agree with Gambit. Try to distance yourself and don't buy into his narrative unless you really have to. He's making you feel bad about yourself so he's not a friend and he's not good for you, no matter how he tries to portray it. It could be that he's feeling threatened by you, especially if you are a lot younger than him and have been promoted twice. He might be trying to keep you down and lacking confidence so that you don't leap frog him. Sometimes we don't know what the boss really thinks until we raise an issue. If anyone else has complained, you wouldn't necessarily know about it due to confidentiality. You could be giving your boss the impression that all is well because you're engaging with this guy in a friendly way, so your boss probably won't enquire. If you raise this with your boss, your boss is obliged to take it seriously. Sometimes a boss wants someone to complain so that they can actually do something about what they suspect is a problem but don't have any hard evidence. I also think avoiding engaging with this guy and just dealing with him on work level might help, especially as it seems as though he's engaging in some inappropriate sexual commentary and behaviour, and you definitely don't need this. Try not to let this guy take your confidence. You wouldn't have been promoted twice if you didn't have high abilities.

[Danni554]

Hi Gambit87 and Tangney,

Thank you for what advice + experiences you've shared. We are going back to work soon so I'm definitely weighing my options for what I can do when we go back. He is my bosses favourite and they are very close so I'd be very uncomfortable bringing it up to him. I also doubt anyone would believe me I can't prove he said anything and he talks about his marriage always extremely positively. He was asked to do an article for our work newsletter and he made the whole thing (which was not relevant to family or relationships) like he has a perfect and beautiful family home life and its seemed like they are just insanely happy and joyful. The article made me be like... well no one would believe me now look at that, he makes me feel insane and that I sound insane so i rarely talk about it. I just got very sad because I'd like to aim for things in my life like buy an apartment and save to go on holidays because I've never been overseas and I don't have the energy to do that right now.
I've been told from a few people they felt like him + another co-worker might be threatened from me but I just can't believe it I have a long way to go and a lot to learn. Sorry I sound like I'm whinging and being difficult, I've just lost a lot of self esteem in isolation and I've never had time to stop and recover from everything the last two and a half years this is the first time I've had time to reflect. But I am trying to think of things I can do when I go back, like join an aquatic center to go swim before work because thats supposed to be relaxing, stuff like that.

[Tay100]

Hi Danni554

Just thought I'd check in here and see how you were travelling over the last few days or so- I hope you are finding the forums to be useful to you- I can see you've sparked a bit of dialogue which is great. We are here to listen if you need.

Cheers,

Tay100

[Danni554]

Hi Tay100,

I'm feeling ok thanks, I think I need to find a doctor or someone who I can talk to in person, this was helpful to me for a short while that I got to explain my situation but I still am very upset by everything that is unlikely to change in a good way so maybe its helpful to find a life coach or doctor to help me understand. I still don't understand why I received so much bitchy and rude behaviour and then very unexpected warm behaviour randomly, and I still don't understand why he acted the way he did/does, it makes no sense to me, and I would like to be able to gain some confidence back from this, I still feel gross about myself sometimes.

[Michellette]

I think you would be best to stop focusing on his behaviour, his reaction, his opinions. You have no control over that: it's his issue. What you can control is how important it is to you. Decide that it's not important. When you see or meet him then offer a genuine, warm but professional "Good morning, great to see you."

Then move on, move away, do your work. Put your protective shield up. Repeat each day, stop waiting for his response. stop trying to work out if he's going to be nice today or going to gaslight you. Stop giving him that power and space in your life. If he says something "off" ask him if he has any new photos of the baby you could see.

Best wishes to you Danni