New here, looking to talk/get help

[Jakon93]

Hi, I'm Jakon
So, since last December I started seeing a psychologist. I've had about 6 sessions now and I think they're going pretty well. Basically, I'm at the point where I've think I have identified what my issue/s are and I'm trying to address them, but that doesn't seem to be going very well. What my issue/s are is, probably, very common: I feel like I am inferior, worthless and incapable of attaining the future I want (largely due to childhood, choices growijg up, etc. That i'll be working on identifying with my psychologist next). I am suceeding in my uni studies (HD's, woo) but have been constantly feeling behind due to an inability to motivate, manage time effectively, care, and so on. Also, I've rexognized that a lot of my issue/s is (very) lilely to do with fear: fear of confrontation, fear of rejection, fear of faolure and so on. I'm also starting to more constructively assess when this fear arises - fear tends to wear many hats, it seems. Overall, objectively (so to speak) things are on track and I can plot out the next 3 months or so and say 'this is pretty good'.

But I feel hopeless. I feel it, just there, under the surface, sometimes closer, sometimes deeper down, like it's always going to be there waiting to bubble up until I breakdown and cry, again. Like today. I know, again, that I have a good framework for addressinf my triggers, thoughts, etc. That put me in this place and that I just have to build on them over time and, quite literally, get out more and engage more with people, and help others in particular, to feel a sense of worth and progress.

But thinking and doing that are different things. My GP, psychologist and myself have discussed me possibly going on SSRI's for depression/anxiety, but I'm unsure whether they'll be effective. Will they fix the pervasive sense of hopelessness my high lack of self confidence and self belief, as well as the internal critic?

[pinktulip]

My personal experience with antidepressants in regard to depression triggered by grief was (even though I got really high marks for my high school senior - I had to drop out of one semester) didn't really help self worth

a) didn't fix the self worth bit because I didn't feel contacting friends who knew friend who died because I didn't feel I was good with people and I would bring grief back for them

b) got antidepressant induced hypomania after being on a previous antidepressant which was upped and made me like a zombie and then had suicidal thoughts after being taken off it... - the hypomania affected me re buying things; being way more talkative but socially weird but still anxious, irritable and my psychiatrist didn't recognise it because I changed psychiatrists because my mother didn't like the suggestion of MAOI or ECT


I must note I was put on a SNRI on both occasions and I was told by a younger psychiatrist re depression would have tried SSRI first...

I also should note I was dealing with another medical condition which is a syndrome which doctors don't necessarily agree exists... None of the doctors who treated me for the condition didn't ask me about how that affected my feelings or psychological health...

[Helen72]

Hi Jakon,

Your story sounds a bit like mine. And the big thing I learnt was that although I could rationally recognise this, that and the other, the emotional side, recognising my emotional needs and such took way more time than I realised. Your 3 months is a good start but you might be putting way too much pressure on yourself to be 'fixed' now.

SSRIs won't fix things but they might put you on an even keel while you work on yourself. That. was my experience - I did SSRIs for 1.5 years but they were only part of the story 🙂

Helen

[David35]

are you enjoying your course? Maybe that could be part of the problem, that your course no longer interests you

[Volkerballoon]

Congrats on the HDs by the way. That's awesome!

For me, antidepressants definitely helped, so just from my experience I'd definitely recommend them. They're not a magic bullet, but gave me a chance to experience positive emotions. Also, that feeling of hopelessness you mentioned; medication made that go away for me, and I hope it works the same way for you as well.

[Jakon93]

Hi Helen,

Thanks for your response. Rationally, I can understand the steps I need to take to improve my life. My psychologist and I have discussed what I need to do. My difficulty comes, too, when I encounter triggers. I know what these are, but its the pervasive sense of hopelessness that distors my judgement: what's the point in avoiding them if I feel like this?

I like the idea you mentioned that SSRIs might help me get on an even keel while I address my issues. I'm worried though that if mediciation isnt right for me, I'll not only put myself through a hard time but set my progress back a while.

[Helen72]

Hi Jakon,

Maybe when your life is a bit more how you want it, the triggers won't be so triggering (sorry for the lame wording :-). And then you might not feel so hemmed in avoiding them?

Mine are still there but a bit reduced in their impact and definitely reduced in their frequency. But it did take a while.

Helen

[therising]

Hi Jakon

You're questioning a lot, which is good. One might say you are on a quest of self understanding. I know plenty of people who actually need to question themselves but never actually do. They rarely ever change.

In asking our self

• 'Why do I feel so hopeless?', the question can become more constructive or revealing when taken a step further: 'Why or how have I been led to hope for less?' Even further, 'Who in my life has led me to hope for less than what I'm capable of achieving of gaining or has led me to hope for less than what I deserve?' Sometimes our influences can involve folk who teach us to 'accept our lot in life'. They don't teach us strategies for naturally raising our self through constructive challenge, often because it's easier to not rock the boat or it's easier in the short term not to deal with the emotions that come with challenge. It's actually our emotions that turn out to be our best guide in life. Learning how to read them and work with them is key
• 'Why do I feel so worthless?' Taken further, 'Who or what has led me to feel I am worth less than what I deserve or are entitled to?' Society tends to fill our heads with rubbish that dictates we are worth less than the beautiful people, worth less than the hard working people, less than the financially wealthy people and even worth less if we don't buy this product or that product. Yes, we're told in numerous ways how we are worth less and then we wonder why we feel worthless. We can be raised in an education system that grades us constantly as it puts us under pressure to perform and conform. We're even taught 'rebels are troublemakers' and unique people a 'weird'. We're convinced they're the rejects. Few of us avoid being challenging (for fear of rejection) and avoid hoping to be different from the rest. We are taught to aim for being 'normal'

I watch some folk in my life inspire others to hope for more and I watch them remind people in so many ways of how valuable they are. On the other hand I've also come to notice those who bring people down, put them down or keep them down (by not inspiring them). In truth, people need to be raised. 'Down' is no place to be.

If you were to ask folk around you 'Who taught you how to hope and how to recognise your natural value in life?' you can pretty much bet not many people had mentors in these specific areas.

I believe it's important we choose our leaders carefully. The people who lead us to feel down should always be questioned.

🙂

[Jakon93]

Hi therising,

I appreciate your thoughts, especially about breaking down these feelings into specific questions. I've been spending the past couple of weeks doing that; trying to isolate what memories I can remember that might offer reasons as to why I feel certain ways, do certain things, believe or assume certain things, etc. Things will get better, I think. I just have to keep trying to understanding, and be forgiving of myself when I can't.

Thanks,

J.

[Jakon93]

Hi Helen,

I get what you're saying. I think, perhaps, that it might be less about life being the way I want it exactly (though improvements would surely help haha), but recognizing that it takes time for things to manifest; I need to take the time to sit with my feelings of anxiety, once triggered, and seek to understand them on a deeper level. I know they're not reflective of my value - I get that (..rationally) - now or in the future. I need to internalize that message, I think.

Thanks,

J.