BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Deckt,

Oh, you're a good egg!

It's true what you said, though - if she still has misgivings about whether you love her or not after these three years and what you have been through together, there is nothing more you can do to persuade her. Sometimes you need to fall to absolute rock bottom to shock yourself into changing - that's the easiest part - it's the climbing out that's the hard bit. And she has chosen to reject someone who is willing to give her a step up, so now she has to find a way out herself.

Re: lost message...be careful what you wish for, lol!! I wrote out the details of my latest bout of BPD with brutal honesty (despite my embarressment!!) because it's a way of owning what I did, acknowledging where I went wrong and a record to refer to if I am ever in the same situation again.

I have resolved to try not to have another episode again, if possible! I am above this sort of behaviour, I know better and I won't have it ruling my life or affecting others. That's all there is to it - it's going to stop and I don't care what I do to get there!

The biggest problem I had (and this is important for you to know too) was that I spent 17 years with a person who NEVER pulled me up on my behaviour, he just sucked it up and suffered. So, at first, I didn't realise what I was doing was wrong. In fact, I really didn't know until after we had been separated for about 2 years and I got it into my head to start dating.
Guess what?! Other people were not as tolerant as my husband, so the more negative reactions I got, the more I wondered what I was doing wrong. Then I came across an article about a condition called BPD...and I literally felt sick to my stomach. It was me. On paper, in black and white, next to the other 'crazy' disorders. I had a MASSIVE reality check...and here I am.
Still making mistakes, but getting better, bit by bit.

If my husband had refused to be treated like he was by me, would have I come to these conclusions earlier?
I think so, because past experience has always shown that when I am shown up in error, I will try and correct it. But we were young, I wasn't as insightful as I am now and we were busy just surviving life with 3 children. It's only now that I have had the time and space to work on it.

Sigh. I hate how by the time we humans actually work stuff out, we are too old and decrepit to enjoy it!! Lol!!

;)

K xxxx

[Deckt]

Hey K.

You're a pretty good egg yourself. Speaking of synchronicity and coincidence? I was just thinking to myself that I need to let her hit rock-bottom, not thirty seconds before I read your latest, that says exactly what I was thinking.

Now, enough about me. About you. It's a really admirable goal to never again have an episode. But consider this as well... plenty of people that are not BPD do BPD stuff. Rage, emotional disregulation and so on. Remember when I was talking about empathy, and that some people, to whom it doesn't come naturally, are that much more sensitive to it? I think that you will find the same thing - because you're aware that you may be more prone to emotional disregulation than other people, and you're intelligent and empathetic enough to care, it will be less of a problem. But it is not helpful to beat yourself up if/when it does happen.

Now... in relation to being "old and decrepit"? Pish tosh. And yes, that makes me sound old! But if I remember your previous posts, you're 39? 39 is not old. At least, it better bloody not be, cos I'm 40!

A happy thought, just in general. One of my favourite stories, inspired by your comment re climbing out from rock bottom;

A guy is walking along in the forest, and falls in a hole. His doctor walks by, and he calls out, "Help!". The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and walks on. Then his priest walks by. He writes a prayer on a piece of paper, throws it down the hold and walks on by. Then his friend walks past. "Hey Joe, help me, I'm stuck in this hole!" And his friend jumps down and joins him. The first guy says "Hey man, I appreciate the support, but what now? We're both stuck!" Joe says "Yeah man, but it's cool. I've been down here before, and I know the way out."

Life starts at 40, K. 🙂 We both have plenty of living to do.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Aaargh! My last message has been sent off to the Land of Mod again!! (scoffs at bad pun). I have no idea if it will reappear???!!!

Anyway, at risk of using this platform as a proxy for social media....how did you get on after last night?
I figured you probably did a lot of thinking and not much sleeping.

K xxxx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Deckt,

I have two updates to report: one good, the other makes me feel pretty awful, but it is good in a way that I have learned a valuable lesson.

Firstly, I have decided to do a bit of a lifestyle overhaul.
Because stress is one of the main precursors before an episode, I have decided to make it my mission to minimise it to a (well, my) tolerable level in the following ways - I have reduced my work hours and changed them around a little to reduce fatigue. I work as a farm hand at two dairies (I only have to work with a small amount of people, I get sunshine and fresh air and cows don't care if you are out of your tree! ?) so I left one dairy and am concentrating on one workplace. My milkings will be mostly afternoons, instead of at 4am and I have requested that my work concentrate around the calves that I raise. My boss has been fabulous and accommodating - I apologised for '...stuffing her around", but she laughed and said that she knows I am 'random' but I am good at my job, so she will help if she can. I am so lucky to work for her!! ?

Also, I have decided to take a break from the news, fictional novels and social media and concentrate instead on trying to get some motivation back by doing creative pursuits - I bought a dollhouse kit to paint and outfit (as an early birthday present to myself ?), some modelling clay and will be getting some painting supplies. I have dragged out my crochet and knitting books and I am going to have a crack at that too.

I have located a therapist about an hour away who deals with BPD, so I am investigating whether I can get an appointment with her and whether I can afford longterm treatment.

I saw an advertisement on the community billboard about a dance class beginning on Monday nights, with a small group of people.
I chickened out last Monday, but I am gathering courage to check it out this Monday coming. I have no idea how to dance, but I liked it at school and since it is being advertised as a 'social event', I thought I would give it a go. I'll probably end up getting dragged around by a bunch of 80 year olds, but what the hey??!! ?

So, hopefully all that coupled with some forced gentle exercise (?), plenty of sleep, careful vetting of social occasions and not over-taxing myself on the excitement front, I should be on the road to recovery. ?

Tbh, I am starting to feel more positive already and it has only been a couple of days.

Now, number two: owning my behaviour and sucking up the results from it. ?

You may remember that the reason I first wrote on this forum was because I had lost another friend due to an episode - so the following is a brief description of what happened.

I listed myself on a dating website after a particularly nasty bout of lonliness and met a guy I liked. We got talking, but he had heaps of baggage and was quite hostile at first because he had been previously betrayed by other women.

I worked really hard to gain his trust and push past the hostility (I had a feeling it wasn't a reflection of him as a person) and was rewarded when he opened up and we started to chat all the time.
.....
 

[Guest_1968]

Hi Pandoa Paradoxical (P.P.)

Wanted to let you know about the post you hand sent on 7 February 2020. Very thought provoking. This is the very first post I've ever read on the bb forums that describes me 100% in every imaginable way. I really felt that your words from your heart are truly down to earth. Being, living and knowing so much about BDP, I could relate to your Whole post. As for your many questions in relation to hows, whys, etc., in BPD. I'm willing to share them with you how to overcome some of those obstacles that the majority of people absolutely have No understanding about about.

Currently, I'm on a bit of a downer myself but when back to up and running again, I'm willing to help you feel more accepted by others. Plesse Don't expect miracles by the suggestions given. They Do help. My offer is geniune, yet I do know my limitations.

It's one BPD to another BPD.

Kindest regards,

Klienekindt (KK)

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear KK,

That would be awesome! I really appreciate you taking the time to help, particularly if you aren't feeling too great at the moment.

Do you want to share about what has got you down? Maybe I can help in some way, everyone develops different coping mechanisms and something I have tried in the past might work for you?

I keep telling myself every day when I wake up: I AM NOT MY BEHAVIOUR. I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS THAT I AM ADDRESSING. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY TOO, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

Try it! Say something often enough and it won't be long before you start to believe it.

:)

PP xxxxx

[Deckt]

Heyo....

Sorry I haven't checked in. Yesterday was bananas, getting all packed up for my ex to move out. Just got it all loaded into the truck, so it's done.

I'm feeling too exhausted for much else. I'm not sad, not angry. Just kind of empty, I guess.

Anyway. How are you? Reading through your recent posts, it seems like you are in a good place?

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Deckt,

That's completely understandable - you have been fighting so hard for so long to try and make something work and now that it's not your responsibility, it will leave you feeling a bit empty....like, what do I do now?

I suggest that you take some time out and give yourself some care and remember who you are as a person. That doesn't change just because you didn't achieve the result you were hoping for during this situation.

You are the Deckt who continues to see the bright side of life and carries on despite diversity, even selflessly helping strangers in need while suffering your own challenges.

Take a step back, process your thoughts and feelings and remember: you have a virtual support network right here at anytime if you need it. You just need to let us know how we can help. :)

Huge hugs, K xxxxx

PS Re: Sounding better - Yeah, I keep looking for those silver linings now. 😉

[Deckt]

Hey,

Glad that things are looking up! The silver linings are there. Excelsior!

What a day I've had... the move was the least stressful part.

So tonight I get a voicemail from my ex. She's drunk. I'm used to that, but she's got such a high tolerance that when I can hear it in her voice, it's really bad. She's saying this stuff about 'final goodbyes'. I know what that means. Even though I know it's almost certainly an attention seeking thing, I can't leave it to chance. So I go and meet her. She can barely stand up. I ask her to self-admit to hospital to get help. She initially agrees, but changes her mind. I'm at my wits' end, so I end up taking her to the police, hoping that they can hold her on a mental health hold. They sent me home, but at least I know that she's in good hands.

I'm ok with her hating me, as much as I love her. I just want her to live and be happy.

Sorry for going on. It means so much to be able to share things with someone who understands.

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

You are such a soft hearted soul!

I understand your panic when your ex started referring to a final goodbye, but I think (and please forgive me for being blunt) by swooping in and rescuing her, you did not do her a favour - quite the opposite, in fact.

Your ex knows what you are like. She knows that it doesn't matter what she does, she can rely on you to be there to catch her when she falls. And herein lies the problem: she is still not taking responsibility for her own actions. If she doesn't own her behaviour and make active steps herself to correct it, it just continues.

Again and again, she will feel bad, she will call you, you will help her, she will see if you have changed your mind regarding your ultimatums and when you haven't...she will wait until she is strong enough to stand up on her own two feet and then fling you away again.

You'll be left there, feeling devastated, because again you have put so much into helping her and it has made next to no difference. Your own emotional life will be in disarray and she will continue on regardless, until she needs you again.

I firmly believe now that the key to handling someone with BPD is setting strong boundaries. We are damaged children inside and like children, need firm boundaries and rules to guide our behaviour - a 'black and white' set of instructions that override the emotional storm. Even if we fight against the rules at first, acting out and rebelling because the adult side of us will fight for autonomy (like your ex, now, because you put your foot down about the alcoholism) there is safety and security in having the rules there too.

Think of it as an anchor - BPD people feel lost, disempowered, like we are at the mercy of the emotional tidal wave with nothing to hold onto.

We have to have something to hold onto and believe in, which is why we cling so desperately to others to avoid floating away.

I firmly believe you need to be steadfast in refusing to 'rescue' her until she takes the first steps to helping herself. She knows where to go and what to do...now she just has to do it!

The sad truth is, she may choose to take her own life. Many BPD people do, as high as 10%, I believe. But that can happen regardless of whether you are there or not, L - it's just about the only decision in this world that you make completely selfishly. But we are damaged people already, L - long before you came along.

You have shown her compassion, understanding and guidance - you need to let her decide what to do now.

Anything else and you are doing this for YOU, not her. I know helping makes you feel wanted and validated as a human being and gives you a sense of purpose...but, in the long run, it isn't help. It's a flimsy band aid covering a much larger wound.

Be the anchor, L. Weather the storm but stand fast.

K xxxxx