BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Guest_1584]

Hey k .

Hope your rolling ok , l'm sorry about the housing situation too , damn . l live in a dairy farm area too myself actually , in vic . l'm in town but ex w n me had small acreage before out of town. Most of the farms round here have other buildings shacks or houses and stuff often just going to waste , would any of the other farms about have something you might get cheap. Also l was wondering , is the container fitted out or ? lf it's not maybe a caravan could be the go k. l live in one for awhile back when and really liked it actually they can make great homes and you might even be able to puck one up free , something you can clean up and set up on your bosses place.. lf ya do need one chuck a few free caravan wanted ads on notice boards in super markets , or round town whatever because a lot of people just want them gone.

Anyway , hope you sort something out where you;ll be happy eh.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Been thinking of ex and what happened speaking of ex's.

At least l think l've pin pointed what set her off last time. Not that she needs a reason anyway but on that occasion , l realized something. She knew l'd been seeing someone , now we weren't even together atm she's been up home 9hours away for 5mths with some legal problems now so we've been on hold , when she's done and back down here again , l'm not sure later. We're still talking a bit though and l told her ex and l were touching base and l told ex the situation with her.

At first she was ok , sort of , but l've realized now nearly all the crap she sprouted when she blew up in the end could well have been all about her , just indirectly and not in those words as such but in other silly ways that's whu it's taken this long to put it together but still , from resentment and being more pissed off underneath than she was admitting., lt's all adding up. And imagine if she is bpd how that would all be quadrupled.and all the other things she'd be feeling on top.

l can't believe l missed it . lt does make it sadder though because l realize now how she must've been feeling butttt, what can l do. lf not that it would've just been something else anyway.

rx

[Deckt]

Thanks rx,

Actually, I feel a lot of relief, like a weight's been lifted off. I'm sure the sads will hit at some point, but I know who I am, and I've stayed true to that. That's got to be enough, right? At any rate, she got to say goodbye to her dog. I'm done with trying to keep her happy.

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Mt,

Firstly, thank you very much for replying. I really appreciate it, particularly if you yourself are speaking from personal experience. It's hard enough to realise that you have an issue but then to go out on a limb to help others...that's great. 😊

The saddest thing about my version of BPD is that I have no issues whatsoever under two circumstances:

1) I am not stressed;

2) I stay away from people.

The problem, of course, is that daily, modern life requires me to navigate both of these situations and with too much exposure....a guaranteed episode.

I am constantly hypervigilant and seem to have the lowest possible setting for stress tolerance...so I am literally halfway to an episode even BEFORE I interact with people!! 🤦‍♀️

It's damn hard, isn't it?

On one hand, you want to feel that closeness and connection with somebody desperately....and on the other hand, you know it is probably not going to end well and that you will suffer for it.

I agree about the online relationship being difficult because of the ambiguity of text messages, but I have also found it a useful tool too.

Because I am not meeting in person, I cannot mirror them. I am not intently watching their every move, pre-empting their intentions or trying to forecast outcomes - I have their words to mull over in my own time and can react in a rational way, without the physically emotional response.

It also gives me SOME social interaction, of a kind. Even I, as a general loner, understand that humans need other humans. So, conversing online means I still feel valued as a person.

Lastly, and most importantly - I can go through the cycle of devaluation and idolisation and all of those other horrible BPD behaviours...usually without the other person knowing. Unless I get totally overwhelmed, of course, and override my rational mind, releasing the storm....and losing a friend. 😔

Sadly, this is where I am at following the loss of my last friend. I decided to strip everything out of my life to maintain inner calm.

For the moment, anyway.

A couple of people online that I chat to, (like you, I only truly have a couple of real-life friends) a regular work/life routine, general avoidance of too much social interaction and literally being super-aware of any potential stressors.

It is ridiculously self-absorbed but it seems to be working. I have been very settled, apart from one blip (on this forum, embarressingly!! 😳) because I got too emotionally involved.

But, of course, life happens. I know that. So, off to a therapist I go, trying to figure out how to calm myself before I lose it.

It's tiring. But, as I keep reminding myself, my sensitivity and intensity also heightens other experiences...I just don't want it to be at the expense of others.

K xxxx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Rx,

Don't feel bad, you weren't to know. You would have just been confronted with some pretty irrational behaviour and probably acted just to defend yourself. That's only natural.

The fact is, your ex is still responsible for her own behaviour. She may not fully understand why she blows up and pushes people away, but she CAN see the results.
Especially if she has done it over and over again with other partners...she must see a pattern emerging. Or maybe not? Insight, as I wrote before, isn't the universal trait I thought it was. Some people just have no idea that their own behaviour is the root cause of their problems, so they blame others.

But...you still have to protect yourself. You can't be held responsible for their outbursts (unless they are warranted, of course) so you are well within your right to remove yourself from that person's life in an act of self preservation. Understanding and being patient and accepting of their behaviour only works so much - as I found out from experience, my husband doing that delayed me taking responsibility for my actions, perpetuating the behaviour.

There needs to be a carrot and stick approach - like, "Hey! What you said and did was not right, BUT I understand where it is coming from and if you would like to try and fix it, I will be there to support you."

I expect, like me, that most BPD don't mean to hurt others with their outbursts. It is purely an emotional purging combined with previous bad experience/memories and being completely overwhelmed to the point where you resort to your basic instinct - fight or flight.
Add your basic emotional needs as a person never being met...and you get the idea!

Re: housing. Yeah, it is just ridiculous how much rent in being charged - I could service a reasonable home loan on what I am paying per week!

Luckily, I am resourceful. I have lived in more dire situations than these, such as living in a tent for nearly 12 months, during a minus 4 degree winter...but that's another story! 😉

If I found myself homeless, I am capable of a) talking my way into some accomodation, b) building myself some sort of hidey-hole somewhere c) seeking the necessary assistance to secure accomodation through charities etc. I think being self reliant has been the only thing that has kept me going all this time with the dramas I have had in my life - it can be isolating, but it gets the job done. I'm still here!

Thanks for checking up, anyway. You're a champ. 👍😁

K xxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Ahh l , thanks for that.

Yep , exactly what l was trying to get at , l realized on this occasion she was purging, exactly, underneath shyttyness and resentment about me seeing someone else while we weren't together , even though that was her doing anyway 18mths ago , and even though the gf and l haven't even been together 5mths now anyway , but that was it. l knew this time it was something from through the weeks earlier that'd built up , l thought it was something else but nope , that's what it was .

To explain our thing is nearly impossible especially with me , but to her l was disloyal, as we were as usual still together in heart mind n soul , even if we weren't , even if she was the one to shut us down , we still just were . We are now , like l'm here writting this and l know despite us being on the other side of the world right now l feel her still thinking thinking , everyday and probably right now too , about us as and me if we still are. l saw you mention synchronicities somewhere , well ours were just insane, impossible , but they still just were , for another post haha.

But k , you've touched on so many things in that post , l'll have to come back tonight, gotta get off my ass and go do some work haha.

ps , yep people are very very disappointing , no doubt about it , and miss so much , feel so little , even less, l know.

Hug, rx

[Guest_1584]

Damn l wish we could edit posts here , sorry k that was meant to be a k up top not an l.

l'll be backkkk, look out , kidden.

[Guest_1584]

Hey k

interesting what you see that she mightn't understand but she can see the results , l wonder, well she should this time that's for sure but knowing her she probably bypassed that side of things as usual , dunno. The reason it was a different thing is because she lasted 6 or 7wks this time, longest ever , we were both trying, just wonder if she could've held course if not for the gf thing, mind you she started poking at 2 or 3 wks. l thinking she did mean to hurt this time too because she felt hurt by the gf , l could just see her direction this time , a first really.

Anyway that's nice to hear you'll be ok then but yeah rents and costs are just insane in this country now.l didn't know whether to buy this place or just rent. After the divorce we didn't get my from our place which we'd only bought few yrs earlier, we had a complicated life before that. Anyway l rented 4yrs to stay close to my daughter, we looked around 12mths then this one came up, close n cheap as and a nice view , new little town, hoped l might wanna stay even after my daughter was older, gonna move again though now, so sick of moving buttttt, absolutely nothing's happened for me here in the 4yrs. Sorta did a deal to buy it and hope to make a bit reselling but really it'd only be getting my money back with costs and light renos, then what , bloody hell , not sure, but l thought well renting l'd get nothing sooo tried the deal and went this way, we see.

hope ya find something nice when the time comes though anyway eh.

Thanks again, rx