BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Deckt]

Once again, you're right, K.

When we were together, we got a dog. She's a beautiful girl. At first, she was registered under my ex's name. When she left (eighteen months ago), she took the dog with her. My kids were really upset, understandably. A week or so later, my ex came back and said that she couldn't keep the dog as her mum didn't like it, and asked me to take care of her. I agreed, but I said that it had really upset my sons when she (the dog) had gone away before, and that I wouldn't put them through that again. So, she signed the dog over. Now, of course, that she has all of her physical possessions back, she still want to see the dog. I agreed that she could, but only after she'd been sober for a month. I hoped some tough love could help. It hasn't so far.

When I spoke to her today, she said how much she missed the dog, and that I was being cruel by putting conditions on her seeing the dog. I don't think I am - I'm not trying to control her, but to encourage her? Maybe I'm just trying to justify my actions. Anyway.... I was thinking about letting her see the dog, once, to encourage her. Do you think it's a mistake to go back on my condition?

I'm so sorry that I'm inundating you with what probably seem like stupid concerns. If you need to take a step back, I totally get it.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Nah, it's all good - I will tell you if I feel a bit weird! 😉

Hmmm...that's a hard one.

It maintains the connection between the two of you, so I can see why you are indecisive about whether to allow her to see the dog or not.

I am unsure about using access to the dog as a way to force her to become sober.

As I have stated before, she may just not want to do it and it is her right - punishing her by not allowing her to see her pet is just going to add to her misery.

I think maybe you could treat it like parental access to a child following a separation/divorce. Maybe drop the dog off at a park for an hour or two with her and then come back later to collect it. You might not even have to speak to each other.

This dog might be her only source of comfort right now, and since you are a good guy with her best interests at heart, I think it might be a good idea.

It's hard not to use things that the other person cares about as leverage when they have hurt you badly. It can give you a feeling of empowerment. But what benefit are you likely to gain by witholding her access?

Just an angrier, sadder person.

It's up to you, of course. If you think it will open another can of worms.....? 🤷‍♀️

K xxxx

PS Please feel free to ask any questions you like. I will try my best to answer them. 😊

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l pretty well agree.Seems as your still in touch anyway it'd also tell you a lot just being around her again while she's seeing the dog and interesting to see if she's been drinking too, how she treats you and things in general, it'll help give you a bit more of a gauge on things and with your decisions . Besides, it might lift her spirits and help her out too.

[Deckt]

Hey K and rx,

Hoo boy. What do they say, no good deed goes unpunished? 😂😂😂😂

So, today, I took our dog so that my ex could see her. Also took her a lamp that got missed in the move. When I walk up to the door, her mum starts yelling at me to take the lamp and to go and join the far queue (words to that effect). I should note that before I went over, I got a text saying "you're welcome at my mum's".

So, I get ready to leave. The ex comes out, all tears, "please, she didn't mean it, I'm sorry". I say that it's her mum that needs to apologise. I haven't come to be abused. The mum apologises, rolling her eyes and dripping with sarcasm "I'm sooooooorrrrrrry". I ask for it once more, with some sincerity. She gets close to sincere. I get out, say that I'm not going to be abused, and if she starts up again, I'm leaving. So, she starts up again. Another apology. Again. Another apology. Am I a sucker for punishment, or what?

Eventually, everything calms down. I go and sit in a corner of the backyard, let my ex play with her dog for an hour, then get ready to leave. Of course, both of them start up at me again. "This wouldn't have happened if you'd put me first, instead of your ex-wife!". So, tears and I'm sorry's when she's not getting what she wants, anger and blame instead of gratitude once she's got it. Some people never learn... I guess that includes me, too.

Her mum appeals to me, to let my ex keep the dog. I say, the only reason I have her is because YOU (the mum) wouldn't let my ex keep the dog at her house. She says, yeah, but the dog can stay at (name drops the guy my ex cheated on me with). "If YOU LOVED MY DAUGHTER LIKE YOU CLAIM, you'd give her what she wants". I said the only reason she left me is because she wanted to dictate how much I saw my sons, and that I'm not the one that's trying to be controlling. I leave and say that I'm open to a reasonable conversation.

So, that's my day.

How are you guys? 😂😂🤣😊 Just figured out how to insert emojis!

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Your ex CHEATED on you too??!!

I think you might be a masochist!! 🤣

I think going to her mum's house was a pretty bad idea - people feel more comfortable and in control in their own space, so it would have put you at a disadvantage from the get-go.

Staying there and supervising the visit probably would have added fuel to the fire too, so I am not surprised your ex and her mother played tag-teams with the accusations and confrontations.

This is clearly a toxic relationship and if I were you, I would take the dog (which you own, legally) and cut all ties from your ex and her mother. The fact that the dog was going to stay at the cheater's house suggests she is in contact with him, so she may already have moved on from your relationship.

You now know nothing has changed re: her attitude to getting sober and she is still placing the blame squarely on your shoulders WITH back-up from her mother (however dubious their own relationship is).

I would run from this, buddy.

It's only going to cause you grief and heartache.

That's not good for you OR your kids.

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Hey K,

Cheated? Oh yeah. On two separate occasions, with two different people. The first time was a "mistake". We had a fight, she took off, came back the next day. She'd gone to an old boyfriend's place, slept with him that night, again in the morning, and came back and told me all about it. I thought about it, decided that a momentary lapse of judgement wasn't worth torching the relationship over. Second time.... less said about that, the better.

It was helpful to me to go there, though. I have known for a long time that there are two versions of her - nice and reasonable (usually when sober) and horrible (usually when drunk). I believed, or at least, I wanted to believe that the authentic version of her was the nice version. I think that I know now that I was wrong.

The funny part of this... her father was an abusive alcoholic. Her mum has been going to AlAnon meetings for thirty years (although she's been away from the father for as long, and he passed away in 2002), and she's in denial about the fact that she has raised an abusive alcoholic daughter. There are none so blind as those who will not see... but now I do see clearly.

I feel like a big weight has been lifted. The grief will come, I'm sure. But the bandaid has been ripped off.

[Deckt]

Geez, it keeps getting better!

I got in contact with the guy who picked up her stuff to see about arrangements to see her dog. Long story, but turns out that he's the latest victim. It's a pity, he seemed like a good guy. Had a bit of a text chat with him just now. I was really tempted to dish the dirt, but I didn't. Wished them all the best together, but asked them not to send a wedding invite. You have to laugh, right?

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Gees...what a trainwreck of a situation!!! 😱🤦‍♀️

It is terrible that you had to find out her true character like this, but at least you know now. The problem is that sometimes we can fall in love with the idea of a person and turn a blind eye to some pretty serious issues so the illusion is not damaged.

The sad thing about this whole issue is that no one wins. 😔

You are probably pretty jaded and angry right now - don't let that taint your future hopes and dreams. You tried really hard to make something work, but it didn't. But that doesn't mean the same for all scenarios.

You just need to use that forgiving nature with people who are worthy of it. Not everyone is.

K xxxx

[Multitrack]

"but my friend is not responding"
You're not responsible for others actions. It took me a long time to work this out, whilst you may have said or done things that led to their non-response, they choose not to respond. They're responsible for their own actions. Don't be to hard on yourself.

"although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner"
This is one problem with any online relationship, regardless of context. In that the other person may say something in a joking sense, as you cannot see their facial expression you only have written words to rely on. If the said friend is from another country, there are cultural factors that come into play as well. Something said commonly in another country can be quite offensive here and vice-versa.

"So, how does a person with BPD find friends?"
Im yet to find that answer myself. I have what I term as acquaintances, people you meet but not close friends. If I am to be honest my grand total of very close friends would be two.

"needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person."
Are we twins?
This is really hard. Because with every punch you feel that little more 'less good enough' each time. Finding someone who truly understands and accepts the need for reassurance is very hard indeed.

"it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like."
Yes, same here. Relationships can be very difficult to navigate. All I know is that it hurts quite a lot. You meet and talk to someone whom you feel you have connected to, build up a bond and a fondness for them and then whoosh! It's all gone in the blink of an eye. Sometimes through no fault of your own, it may be a progressive accumulation of events.

"Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?"
Short answer - No!
In my experiences, even if things are kept on a 'wish-wash' plane you still eventually form a bond with that person.

"My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed"
I believe you are wrong. You have not failed, because you had enough left in you to ask for help. That is something that is incredibly hard to do and one of my biggest downfalls. You come across as a very intelligent person, also one who is very loving and caring. I do not see failure herel. Maybe you have not had success in finding the right person that is not failure at all.

Hope this helps a little.

[Guest_1584]

Ah L ,l thought allowing her to see the dog would bring some answers good or bad but sorry man , l didn't expect it to be all that on top of it. l thought she'd come to see it at your place too, l wouldn't have taken it to her though myself especially at the mums butttt, l guess if there was some good in it , it's that you know now once and for all it's all a lost cause .

l really can't add anything more to what k's said tbh but l am sorry it turned out to what it did .

Anyway , take some time out now mate eh, enjoy you kids and try to let go of the whole mess.