BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Deckt]

Hey K,

Thanks. I gave it a lot of thought, and had a pretty sleepless night. I thought about what I was hoping to gain, and who I was hoping to gain it for. Ultimately, I think that I decided that I want peace of mind for myself, but that no matter what happens, I'm unlikely to find it by knowing where she is or what she is doing. If she's miserable, maybe that's what she needs to get help. If she's happy, maybe me reaching out would interfere with that. Either way, I think that I need to maintain radio silence on my end.

Wow, that sensory sensitivity must suck. I can't really relate, but it sounds really rough. It's good that you have coping strategies. I'm glad to hear that your therapy is going well, too. I've done some mindfulness stuff in the past... I found it really hard. I do definitely understand the exhaustion and the day sleeping thing though... try not to be too hard on yourself for listening to what your body needs.

I had an accomplishment last night... I actually cooked myself a meal, for the first time in almost two months. It wasn't anything spectacular, just schnitzel, garlicky cheesy mash and cabbage (with bacon), but it still feels like I achieved something. I'd give anything to have her here, and be able to take care of her, but I think that I need to stop wishing. Like they say, get busy living, or get busy dying.

Blerg...

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Cooking yourself something is definitely a win! It's one step further to getting back to some sort of normality after everything that has happened.

If you feel you can't contact others etc to set your mind at ease, maybe you could write her a letter. Write everything you wish you could say, talk about what happened, how it made you feel, how you have been affected. Don't mail it to her, though - use it as a proxy to say the things you wished you had said (or said better) during the break up. It is very therapeutic and I find it takes the burden from your mind and puts it on paper instead. Often I will then burn the letter, to signify that I have had my say and it is final.

It sounds kinda silly, but I have found it to work quite well, particularly if you are really sad or angry. It's like another form of closure.

Hope that helps. 😊

K xxxx

[Deckt]

I gave in, and called her. It was a mistake.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You were worried about whether she was ok, which is perfectly natural.

I am assuming what she had to say didn't put your mind at ease? 😔

Regardless, it may be a confirmation of what you already knew.

Try and hang in there. We (everyone on BB) is here to offer support if you need it.

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Hey K,

No, my mind is not as ease. She was drunk (at 2pm). Unemployed again, apparently she resigned. I don't believe that for a second. Still complaining about my ex-wife, my kids... pushing all the blame onto me. About what I expected, but I'm still disappointed. If she was off having a great life, and happy, it would hurt, but I could come to terms with it. I gave the relationship everything I had, and more, and if that's not enough? Why would I want her to stay with me if she could be happier with someone else? That's just selfish. But she's at her mum's, alone, with a bottle of wine and a whole lot of resentment. I told her that I'd be waiting for her to hit bottom. Maybe she'll call, maybe she won't. Again, I'm at peace with what I've done.

[Guest_1584]

Hmmm, mine went bad too after we reconnected.

3 wks of nice but then it all started coming out . At this stage ot was more about closure for me as l'm with someone else now. But ex and l well , l just hoped l could settle it all and the past yaknow , or something , can't really explain , but in peace for myself so that l can move on properly .

Well in the end l got it and l didn't , but l am ready and happy about moving on and l do know now it would never have even worked with ex anyway. , which was one of the many things l was hoping to figure out , but that one's a biggie.

l doubt we'll ever talk again now , and l think that's where you need to be at , l mean there's nothing wrong with a man having kids and of course they must be a hige part in his life and theirs too. And , you have to deal with your ex and work together for your kids, that's the way it is . But she seems to expect you to drop it all , l just mean wth , yaknow.

l think your better of leaving her be man , really , move on . You'll never win with her and worrying caring about her like this , she'll bite you every time.

All the best. rx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Oh, L. 😔

It must have been awful. It is clear that she has chosen to continue on her self destructive path, regardless of your attempts to support her. And there really isn't a lot you can do. 🤷‍♀️

People have got to be ready to change or accept help. And some people never get to that stage, sadly, which hurts others around them who care for them.

L, it sounds like she is going to drink and be miserable whether she is with you or not. In that case, the only person truly being hurt here is you.

Don't take her refusal as a reflection of failure on your side - you did your best and that is all anyone can do.

Be proud of the fact that you actually cared enough to follow through, despite the considerable upset you have experienced.

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Hey man,

Thanks for responding. My head agrees with you. My heart says "don't quit". Thing is, a year or so ago, after a similar breakup, I did decide to move on. I dated a bit, met some great people. But in the end, it just felt wrong. Logic tells me to just get on with it, my heart says that she needs my help, and I need to be available to give it. Martyrdom, much?

[Deckt]

Thanks K.

I hate quitting. I hate being powerless. I know... that I'm choosing powerlessness. Leading horses to water and the whole thing. I kind of feel like the flip side is... I'm going to be in pain regardless, so why not try to help? It's hard to let go of something that could be, and has been, so great. I think I need to set myself a time limit to keep trying, and stick to it. Or is that just wishful thinking?

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

I think you are thinking about it in the wrong way - YOU aren't quitting. You have gone above and beyond what the average person would do for another, but the other person refused to accept your help. It's different.

It's not like you were halfway through supporting her in rehab, for example, and then suddenly decided it was all too hard and bailed.

I think if you set a time limit that it will just mean you will keep hoping over a period of time and that at the end of the limit (and nothing has changed) you may end up being bitterly disappointed at the time wasted, waiting.

I don't know - maybe having that hope could also give you comfort too. As I said before, I'm a tear the bandaid off quick person, so I would never have the patience to wait and hope like you have.

Do whatever feels right for you. Sometimes doing nothing is a decision too - it's not a cop out, but a 'let's wait and see' move.

K xxxx