BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Deckt]

Hey K,

I hear you about the "everything being a trigger" thing. A long time ago, I was a bit of a hopeless romantic... some might say nothing has changed! But, after a rough breakup, the strangest things would trigger me. Actual examples include listening to certain bands (that's pretty common); the color green (we're getting a bit weirder...) and putting my car into reverse (now, that's just nuts).

Working at a dairy sounds pretty sweet. I love my milk, and milk-related products.

The thing is, for you. I think that the better you get about being aware of your emotions, and practising with handling your triggers, I think the happier you will be. And though I saw in a previous post that you have given up on the idea of having a partner, I hope that in time, you will reconsider. I think that you would have a lot to offer to the right person. Plus, I do seem to recall reading somewhere that the symptoms of BPD often lessen with age, particularly with those that have come to terms with their condition, and are receiving treatment. Don't quit!

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

I actually giggled when I read that...I'm sorry!!

Yeah, I think people who feel deeply have the most amazing ability to absorb everything in an experience...colours, sounds, smells, textures. It's great when it reminds you of good stuff but it completely sucks if it is something bad!!

Our memories are funny things, it's like they are in the past but also the present, as soon as we remember them.

I use my favourite soap, lavender Cashmere Bouquet almost religiously, because it reminds me of my grandmother, who I loved dearly. Smell is an important memory trigger for me - I have the nose of a bloodhound! 🤣

Interesting fact: when I am really, really stressed, I sometimes have olfactory hallucinations. Crazy, right??!! So far I have smelled goats, gardenias, pepperoni (🤷‍♀️), Oil of Ulan face cream and Aeroguard.
I thought I was going crazy, but apparently it is quite common. It's a glitch in the memory part of your brain, it just kind of activates.

Re: getting better with age...that is entirely true. I was WAY more unstable than this when I was younger, more impulsive and less aware of the consequences for other people. I am glad age has toned that down quite a lot, but it has kind of left me feeling a bit jaded too. My whole life has been this constant maelstrom in my head, sometimes I wish I could just sit quietly one day without a single thought occupying my mind. You know, be so in the moment that nothing else matters. That's the kind of zen I aspire to. 😊 And to be comfortable within myself would be an added bonus too. 😉

Re: finding a partner - I am torn between not wanting to involve somebody in my instability (like my husband had to endure 😬) and wanting to love and be loved.

It's funny, I asked my husband after we had been separated for about two years whether he thought that I would be able to make a good partner for someone else. (I know, loaded question, but I was feeling pretty lonely at the time!!) and he replied, 'Absolutely', without hesitation. I also asked what he thought about having been with me for 17 crazy years and he replied with a smirk, "I can't say you were ever boring".

So maybe (??) there is still some hope there - he knew me at both my best and worst. I don't know, I think I probably need to find someone more bonkers than me to keep me occupied!!! 🤣

Anyway, whatever happens, happens. I am done trying to figure out why I am here on this earth and what am I supposed to achieve. I think it might just be this random lucky dip for everyone and you just have to deal with the prize you are given...even if it isn't what you really want.

Thanks for being understanding.

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

It's okay to giggle! It was pretty ridiculous. Memories can be great, but they can suck too. The connection with putting my car into reverse was that I had fairly recently taught her how to reverse parallel park. It was a happy memory, but trigggerrrrrrrrs!

I definitely think that there's someone out there for you. From what I've experienced here, you are kind and considerate, and though you may have some emotional dysregulation in times of stress, so what? Lots of people do, but you are much more aware of your propensities, and actually care about managing it.

Thank YOU for being understanding too. It is much appreciated.

L.

[Guest_1584]

When l reconnected with ex k , really , l mainly hoped we could at least just finish on a nicer footing, like your h n you.

She just never worked like you though. there was no nice the next day or wk, or if there was the digs and smartass would just carry on and get worse between the lines.

And she was very very together too , great job/career and with a lot of very real very heavy responsibility , vg with money, very organized, vegan, perfectionist , extremely intelligent.

rx

[Guest_1584]

l think someone new is very possible for you though k , you were married 17yrs , that says a lot.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L and Rx,

Wow! Thank you. You have both made my day. 😘😘😘

Huge hugs,

K xxxx

[Deckt]

Glad I could help. I'm not having such a great night. But I'm not sure that there's anything anyone can do. I reached out to a couple of friends today... no response. I hate being alone.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

That really sucks. 😔

I was actually going to ask you tomorrow whether you were ok over the weekend!

Did you see your boys?

Maybe you could spend a little extra time with them (you know, if your ex agrees) to try and hold the loneliness back a bit?

Nothing keeps you more occupied than kids!!

I was going to suggest making a Facebook account with a made-up name...I made one with my BB forum name and the only people I have on my friends list are my sons, my sister + her fiance and his sister. I just use it to join silly stuff like 'crap bird photography' and various joke/pun groups. I am also following groups of interest too, like 'Australian native wildlife', 'Australian Native Bushfood' and a couple that cover fungi (I am a mad mushroomer! 💪💪💪) bioluminescence and the INFJ personality type.

I find it great to read general interest stuff and post hilarious memes - without be scrutinised by friends or family!! It could provide you with a good distraction.

I was going to go mushrooming today in the rainforest, but it rained ALL DAY today. I was going to just wear my rain jacket, but then it got heavier. So, instead, I blitz cleaned the house, watched the end of season one of 'The Magicians' (I totally recommend it!) and wandered around my employers' property with my son and two dogs in tow. We checked out the shed where I will possibly be living in and then did a quick search under the pine trees there to looks for mushies. I only found a couple of teeny, tiny red ones that looked like bright holly berries in the pine needles.

Taking photos of stuff is fun too, if you are into that. I like taking close ups of flowers, mushrooms, insects etc and then go home and identify them in my reference books.

It's fun AND educational!

Even if you live in a city, there is still a micro-universe out there waiting to be captured!

I also haunt the town library or go for walks through the park/town - I am always on the lookout for unattended fruit trees etc (😉) for a free forage.

Well, there are some ideas to get you started. Drag your kids along too. 😊

K xxxxx
 

[Deckt]

Hey K,

Well, yesterday was a bad day, but I got through it. Spent some time with my boys today, so that was good. The weekdays are easier, because I've got the school runs... it gives some structure to my day, at least. I just hate the weekends. And, of course, I hate not knowing if she's ok or not. I mean, I'm pretty sure that she's not, but there's absolutely nothing I can do. I just have to come to terms with it. Easier said than done...

How's your weekend been?

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Yeah, I have found routine and structure to be really important in maintaining mood and motivation, if you don't have things to do, you tend to ruminate over stuff and get yourself all stressed!

I know the ex's mother is a bit of an ogre, but are you on good enough terms with her to sneak in a welfare check call about her daughter? I think you would be a lot more settled if you had confirmation that she is ok.

Failing that, she must have had friends at her previous workplace...maybe you could contact them somehow for the same reason?

As for my weekend (Sun + Mon), it rained the whole time so I couldn't go mushrooming. I did spot a cluster of bright yellow ones when I drove to my therapy appointment this morning, but it was on a busy roundabout! I wasn't going to risk causing a car accident by people ogling some chunky chick crawling around in the mulch taking snaps of fungus!! 🤣🤣🤣

Re: therapy appt, today we started working on dealing with the sensory stuff. I think she may have been testing my sensitivity, because there were 3 (!!) lights on in the room, there was a loudly ticking clock and she had out some bright paintings etc around that weren't there at my previous appt. For me, the clock HAD TO GO - repetitive beats or sounds literally give me rage!! 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, we did some mindfulness stuff and how to self-soothe when my nerves are frayed and it was actually pretty good. I still can't shake the distrust I feel around the woman though, I don't know what that is about. I am normally the complete opposite, but there is something about her that keeps setting off my 'spidey sense'. Oh well, I don't have to be in love with her to learn valuable things about coping, so I will keep up with my appts.

Apart from that, I did some cooking (rhubarb + custard slice, caramelised onion/bacon/cheddar pizzas for dinner and moroccan lamb shanks in the slow cooker so it will be ready for tomorrow night) and had a nice nap after getting back from food shopping. I am always exhausted after going to the supermarket - there is just too much stimulus. The bright packaging colours, the overhead music, the awful lighting, people sounds and my personal hate, THE SMELLS. I have to hold my nose in the laundry aisle or I literally feel ill. That and the deli are pretty awful. Oh, the awkward casual banter with the checkout person is also a cringe too! 🤣

By the time I drove home, I was knackered!! It's so sad - a 40 year old woman who needs a sleep just because she went shopping!! 🙄

I used to wear ear plugs and sunnies, but I just found that I was more sensitive after I used them as my body had got used to the reduced sensory input. So now I just try and suck it up. 🤷‍♀️

Tonight's itinerary includes various word puzzles, checking out the second season of 'The Magicians' and snuggling into my bed, enjoying the cooler weather.

Oh, and listening to the rain on the roof. 😊

Look after yourself, buddy.

K xxxxx