BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Please let me first explain that I wasn't being critical - my own experience stems from sheer determination and stubborn will, so I suppose co-dependency is a foreign concept to me. I have always felt alone, even when married, so that's how I operate. I should, perhaps, try to remember that there are many types of people that make up this world, otherwise it would be a very boring place!!

What I was trying to explain (poorly! 😬) that if having the rescuer complex floats your boat, so to speak, this means that your ex must remain in a state of needing to be rescued, in order for you to feel validated. She has rejected your help, so you have lost your calling in this instance...hence the degree of your devastation.

This is the problem with co-dependency...you don't feel that you are valuable in your own right without being with another person to make you feel that value.

Your value to your ex can't just be your ability to rescue her from her disasters.

Maybe she doesn't want to be rescued and that's why she doesn't contact you? She may just desire that you accept her as she is - even if that is self destructive. And if you can't (as you explained to her re: the alcoholism) she loses any validation of herself, so she stays away.

I hope this makes sense!! It seems so much clearer in my head!

Anyway, I am no trained counsellor or psychologist - I just see patterns in behaviours and events and can identify links between them that help me to read between the lines or make predictions. But I can - and have been - wrong. I have also guessed that your ex-wife is probably a very able, self sufficient woman...so you would naturally feel as though your helping nature was being under-utilised in that previous relationship.

Again, it is just an educated guess.

Anyway, I think you are a kind and thoughtful person who is trying their best and it takes a strong person to still wish the other well, especially when they themselves lose out.

K xxxxxx

[Deckt]

Hey K,

I didn't take your comment as critical at all, though if I had, I would not have been remotely offended. Criticism, when given kindly, can be a lot more useful than well-meaning aphorisms. At least, so I think.

I don't think it's just rescuing - I'm a giver. I look forward to birthdays, Christmas, but not the way I did as a child. I love giving, in all senses of the word. Serving, I guess. I always love making other people happy. So, when she was sober for eight months, I wasn't lost or in despair because she didn't need rescuing. I was so happy, because we were happy. That's still co-dependent, I guess. I just hate being alone. I'm looking ahead at the three day weekend before me, and I couldn't be less exciting. With her, I'd be planning things. A road trip. I'd pack clothes and jewelry for her, and my camera, and we'd go somewhere, and I'd try my best (though I'm not much of a photographer) to show her how beautiful she is to me.

I do accept her for who she is, but at the same time, I don't want her to die. And I'm afraid, and reasonably so, that unless she stops drinking, that is exactly what will happen. Further, that she would take someone else with her. I don't know if I could live with that happening, if I had not done everything within my power to prevent it.

So, three days. Just got to get through three days. Then three more. Then three more...

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Sorry, just having a bit of a BPD moment along the lines of "Why are you like this with complete strangers on a mental health forum?" so I need to reflect.

Back soon. 👍

[Deckt]

No worries, K. Please take care of yourself. I'm more than happy to talk through your stuff - it takes my mind of my stuff, and it's probably more productive to help you. 🙂

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

This is so embarressing when writing it down, because, of course, it does nothing to reflect the intensity of the emotion I felt at the time. But - since I have decided to be completely open about all things BPD and this forum is thankfully an anonymous one 😳, I will detail what happened.

1) I got frustrated with your posts because I felt I could clearly see the issue here (in black and white, of course 🙄) and simultaneously felt bad for you AND for myself (because I was getting emotionally involved in a conversation with a stranger on a forum where I should be offering support and acceptance and NOT a critique).

2) Realised I wrote the critique because I was (the cringe! 🤦‍♀️) more than a little jealous that a person out there would go to such lengths and selflessness (you) to try and help a damaged person (your ex( because I, myself, have had to literally do it alone.

3) Rejected my feelings of jealousy, as after all - relying on others is a weakness because if they aren't there when you need them, you feel lost. Better to be self reliant (and why can't L see that??!!)

4) Felt guilty for making it about me and shame because I felt I may have offended you.

5) Got annoyed that I felt that way because I '...don't need no support from some random on a mental illness forum' and why was I even involving myself.

6) Got guilty for being annoyed and realised I like writing on here as there is a certain freedom in anonymity and truth be told, who else can I really talk about this stuff to?

7) Reminded myself of how sad that sounded and that I should pull my socks up, get the hell over it, remind myself that this is about YOUR story (I only feature as a sounding board) and that it is not my role to FIX things for people (because it feels like a proxy for escaping the helplessness I feel in my own situation).

😎 Felt shame again for feeling this stupid torrent of emotions over a simple exchange on the internet.

9) Reminded myself that even if I feel it, it is HOW I REACT that makes the difference.

10) Reflected that I should have waited for the feelings to subside BEFORE I answered your post, so the reply would not be emotionally biased.

11) Decided writing about it and feeling pretty embarressed might be a good punishment to remind myself not to do it.

12) Over-riding that thought with the fact I don't need to punish myself...I just need to learn from the experience and try better next time.

13) Reminded myself I am human, like everyone else.

14) Calmed down. And wrote this post.

See what I mean about the overwhelm factor in BPD??!! It can be over the most ridiculous stuff, with most of it being a one-sided commentary in your own head about a situation that you may be barely involved in!!

Ugh! The cringe!! But there it is. I rode the wave, tried to talk myself down, rationalised it when I calmed, learned a lesson or two. It's the best I can do with what I know and have learned. 🤷‍♀️

K xxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hiya k , and no don't be embarrassed at all , that's all exactly what this place is for . Says me who's also embarrassed about some of my posts in my threead too haha. But eh , this is your thread , you can swing from the chandlers if you want to , and the things you talk about are a great help to you and to others too while your at it anyway, so there, take a bow huh.

PS , but don't be so hard on yourself , you haven't done it all alone you had a family 17 years. PSPS, so is your housing situation ok atm then ?

Take care eh. big hug.

[Deckt]

Oh K....

I feel like I owe you an apology, for causing you to feel such angst. I'm really not worth it! 🙂

I appreciate you taking the time to step me through your thought-process. It's very helpful to me to understand other people's thought processes. Please be reassured that I am not upset, not offended, not remotely. I very much appreciate your friendship. I don't feel like you're "making this about" you, but even if you are? This is YOUR thread! If anything, I should apologise for making it about ME! 🙂

As far as seeing my situation in black and white terms? That's not a BPD thing. It's more of a "there's only one way of looking at this". One of the reasons that I value your thoughts so much is that the few other people I have in my life won't talk to me about this issue, as they are frustrated that I am still giving emotional energy to her, and not just forgetting her and moving on. I guess the reason I am doing so, is because if I was in her position, I'd want someone like me to come for me. So, maybe I'm jealous too?

Anyways.... I think it's a good idea for both of us if I take a break from talking about myself and my situation. That does NOT mean that I want to stop talking to you. Please keep me posted on what's going on in your life.

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Rx and L,

Ugh! This is exactly what I didn't want to happen! 🤦‍♀️

L, I really wanna talk to you about whatever you have to say about your ex - it's my problem that I have these ridiculous emotional triggers and I need to learn to deal with it. I have got to switch off my own internal, personalised response to things that remind me of my own situation or things that have hurt me in my past. It is not MY situation, I am a spectator on the outside and should be looking at it from a rational point of view. Otherwise whatever 'advice' or opinion I provide will be completely biased.

And please don't apologise!! 😱 I nearly burst into tears when I read that! I don't want pity or people avoiding stuff with me because they think I will suffer in an episode...I do, but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If it wasn't this conversation, it would be some other silly thing setting it off. Please don't change around me, be yourself. 😢

Rx - I do feel embarressed, like I always do when this happens, but this time it is very...open. Other people can read this. They can have opinions about this. I am both happy to have the advice and scared of exposure. If there is anything I hate more in this world, it's being vulnerable. And here I am, doing that on a very large level. But, as you said, what are these forums for if not being a place to safely relate your issues and receive some real world advice? I gotta get over myself. 😏

The housing situation is a pain in the butt. There are practically no rentals here and what there is available are really expensive.

Because I work as a lowly dairy maid 😏 and have to keep around 25 hours per week for the sake of sanity (so I don't get too stressed), my wage isn't spectacular.
Both my sons have part-time work and collectively, our income is enough to cover the expenses.

As they will both be looking for work next year, they will probably be moving an hour away to have access to more opportunities. This means I will be unable to afford to rent by myself, so I was looking at my options.

I had already scoped out available land around my workplace that I could sneakily hide a small dwelling of some sort. I figured I could wack up a strawbale rectangle, render it with clay and make a turf/sod roof. The problem is, I need clean water to drink and bath etc and many of the creeks around here are contaminated with agricultural run-off.

So when my boss said I could live in a shipping container on their other property...I was ecstatic.

Thanks, both you guys. I will always get back to my normal self after an episode.


Luv K xxxx 

[Deckt]

Hey K,

I want to apologise again! 🙂 I don't pity you, but I do feel empathy. There's a difference. Another thing, about triggers? Yeah, I agree that it's everyone's own personal responsibilities to identify their triggers, and to learn how best to adapt to them. A big part of that though is that particularly at sensitive times, it can be more effective to avoid triggers than to deal with them. I think that you know this already though...if I interpreted your thought process correctly, you identified that you might be spiralling a bit, and backed away to sort yourself. You should be really proud of yourself for the way you handled that.

I agree that housing uncertainty sucks... I'm pretty fortunate in that respect, as I'm renting from family, who are understanding if there's a late rent payment or two. Is moving an option? I get that it may not be, if your work is there. I do hope that things start to look up for you.

L

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear L,

Thank you. 😘 Sometimes it seems like everything is a trigger!! It's really annoying and I am guilty of avoiding situations where it will bring on some more intense memories and associated emotions. It's a bit of a cop-out, but seriously, it's the best I can do at the moment.

Other small stuff I just TRY and deal with. Now that I can identify when I start to spiral, I try and isolate myself from people until it does its thing and I get back to normal. That way, others don't see the abrupt change and get hurt. 😔

That's why I work at a dairy - I only ever have to work with one other person while milking and no one at all when I am raising the calves. I can be as batty as I like! 😅

I did have a second, more intense meltdown this morning (after I thought I had calmed) so I threw myself into work and just tried to block the negative diatribe in my head. I also skipped breakfast, because hunger is a physical response that can take away some of the mental focus.

I feel perfectly calm now. 😊
It's all a bit stupid and sometimes I despair at thinking of the years ahead of it (women are long-lived in my family) but what can I do? I think I just keep going.

I think that's all any of us can do - just try and ride it through until you get to the other side and hope your next experiences are enjoyable ones! 😉

K xxxxx