BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Guest_1584]

Big Hi and a big thanks to K , but also to deck and to anyone else that pops in talking about this stuff.

l've had a situation over 3 yrs now , and l'll have to come back and talk about it and ask some things later, read some more.

But thanks for this thread k , personally l find it pretty amazing that you can see and acknowledge yourself .

rx

[Guest_1584]

Hi again.

Still reading through but l have a situation too and l'd love to hear any thoughts . A bit like L's , actually, to do or not to do.

We aren't together anymore , l've actually been with someone else now awhile but that's been on hold as she's been interstate 5mths with legal problems. l met ex though nearly 4yrs ago a few yrs after both our divorces and it was a beautiful and bizarre thing between us , but l also noticed things with her from day one too.

She'd be so full of love and adoration we both were , we couldn't believe it , and we mostly got along incredibly , but she had another side and one minute pushing us , this thing, me for it all , wants to move over, the lot, next she's saying stupid things, ugly, put downs , us put downs , out of nowhere , it usually caused a fight and we'd be off again. l knew nothing about bpd back then. We were on off a dozen times in 2yrs , full of love adoration excitement , next min' stupid things, she was insanely sensitive , paranoid, word twists, we were long distance 70% of the time so a lot of messaging and one word, could set her off, usually nothing.

She also flipped on a coin, once l was setting up to go over to hers, other side of the world mind you , we were so exited it'd been a few mths since together last , she was making all these plans even cooking , next, we were nothing, she hadn't felt it for 6mths, cancel the trip and l should go meet new women , just wtf , yaknow. Just to name just a few.

Well, we got back on again , and blew up again. But about 2mths ago we started talking again. l was still her rx , l always had been , will be forever, she can't think or go out with anyone else and we were almost back to an old us. And 5wks, no implosions, she even admitted small things and she's pushing like crazy to come see me, boom. Next minute she said some silly thing, pure insults , then another , another another. next she's pure anger and just talking pure shyt . Well l lost it things got uglier and l told her l'd had enough of her bs and she could go and ummm, well. ! You couldn't cuddle her she'd tell you you had no pride shame what's wrong with you.

That was 2wks ago . No sign of her or me her. l've felt terrible, l hated that we ended like that , and that , if it is bpd well , l guess l did what she was afraid of, l dunno.

l've wanted to write to her, apologize, tell her l;ll always care about her, or something. Not to get back , l'm not living like that , but l dunno . Should l ?

rx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Rx,

One of the main problems with BPD is that any relationship you have is turbulent, with amazing highs of incredible love, affection and connection, followed by seemingly bizarre explosions that come out of nowhere. This causes instability and confusion - which is clearly what you have been experiencing with your ex!

The main culprit for the explosions are the devaluation of the other person - the BPD person has this beautiful, pure idea of their partner and puts them on a pedestal, but when the partner fails to live up to their ideal, the fairytale comes to a grinding halt. Love is replaced with disappointment, anger and fear - with equal intensity.

BPD people (emotionally) are stalled at a very immature stage. Think about a young child, less than 5 years old and before awareness of others comes into play. Their reactions are purely emotional. Their base desires are to be loved and cared for and if this is witheld, there are tantrums and anger because their needs aren't being met and this is all they are equipped with to communicate this need. It is not meant to punish the caregiver - it is just the only way they can cope with and attempt to explain how they feel. It also leads to the child coming to the conclusion that THEY are the root cause of the rejection...and so starts the identification of the world in a simplistic way - good or bad, black or white, with no areas of moderation.

This is exactly how a BPD person works - with the added bonus of the expectation that ALL relationships will eventually withold love and care. This leads to self loathing and esteem issues and more often than not, a desire to escape the relationship to avoid that pain.

The best thing you can do as the partner of a BPD person is understand what the root cause of the outbursts are - it is purely emotional reactivity in response to the perceived possibility of you rejecting them. They simply lack any other skills in which to communicate this fear.

For you, Rx, it is about whether you can be strong enough to push past your initial reaction to protecting yourself during these outbursts and see them for what they are: pure, irrational fear.

The first thing to do is acknowledge how they FEEL, even if it doesn't make sense to you at the time. Feeling understood goes a long way for a BPD person to calm their inner storm and let the rational part of their brain take over. Once they feel their reaction has been understood, they are more receptive to talking about the finer details of the problem - without the emotional tidal wave affecting their decision-making.

It is very difficult for the other person, because the first thing you do when you are attacked is defend yourself. This is a completely logical reaction in other situations, but logic is not at play here with the BPD person. It is all about emotional reaction and perception.

Rx, if you think your ex is worth the effort, this is literally the only way you can survive the relationship. (Encouraging her to seek a therapist so she can learn better coping skills is a must, too).
You can't be a punching bag for her outbursts, of course, but understanding where they come from can help you navigate through them.

It is hard work and takes continual effort, but if she understands that she will not be rejected but understood after her explosions, eventually the intensity of the reactions will begin to reduce as the fear subsides.

Hope this helps. 😊

K xxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hiya k , and thx muchly fot that. l'm dyslexic btw too so getting this down and into this little box here, might not always ahh, come out all that well put together but hopefully legible haha. You write and explain so well.

The thing was, you couldn't be patient and understanding, forgiving, that was just more ammo, l'd then get " l wasn't fighting back, l had no pride no shame, l'd let some 5ft woman treat me like that , what was wrong with me , what kind of a man took her crap. Tried many things but her respect would just dwindle to zero until she'd just say anything anytime treat you anyway she want, poking the bear over until he cracked. She seemed to need to pop every 2 to 3 wks, thrive on a good fight , and to even make it to 3 wks usually meant me taking or walking away from or shutting down many jabs and remarks for 2wks of that along the way , and the more she got away with the lower respect became and she'd chew you up and spit you out.

The cycle would start of with all the intensity , fun and love and most beautiful of times but usually around 2wks , things would just start coming out.again and she'd start falling apart. l dunno.

lt sounded like she had a beautiful childhood growing up in ltaly , movie like, great parents , 1 sister , nothing bad. But some of her sexual stuff made me wonder though if something else went on she'd blocked from childhood , but l never could find out.

But she'd had an horrific man run in adulthood, she was 48 when we met. No woman could come out of her past sane , poor thing . But , l'd say too it was self inflicted too, especially her main ex , they managed 9yrs, mainly because he was away 5days a wk l think, but he ended up hating her with a passion , it ended so badly , but it also sounded a love hate as well , exactly what she;s done to me.

But nah , l don't wanna get back with her , l'm not living like that. lt was just incredible with my new gf while we were , they were ironically a lot alike , except she was stable. lf she can sort out her legal stuff up home , l'd love to give us a good try from there.

The ex well , our good was what it was , surreal , beautiful , but the bads , man ! l wish we could've closed the book in a nicer way though , for her, hence the letter l've been thinking about. But she did it , and she never admits to or see's it , l just dunno , bpd or not , if she even deserves a letter, maybe she should be writing me one actually. , held account to herself for once.

rx

[Guest_1584]

But you know k , l've also wondered a million times over the years , if l'd done things differently from day one, would that have helped her.

Ya see when we met she was living in the states , and we were just like boom , so many things with us , so intense . Well she was ready to jump on a plane within a few days and she pushed and pushed for months to come . But there were 2 things for me , after divorce l was still in a bad situation at the time . Meeting someone local would've been fine , but working it with someone on the other side of the world was another thing entirely especially financially.

But the other thing was , among it all l'd seen bits of her other side and it was scary ,her thinking , temper , snaps , paranoid, all of it , l just wanted to get to know her more first , As much for her as for me because l didn't want her flying cross the world for nothing or a disappointment or worse.So l stalled for 5mths , it really hurt her , but she couldn't see or acknowledge considering it was such a huge thing for her to come all that way , there were reasons and stuff l hoped we could work out first. Meantime on bad days she'd be running us down anyway , then good, then bad and on and on. but she still wanted to come, she;d push like crazy everyday . As l say l knew nothing bpd back then but nothing made sense.

But , it was taken very badly as rejection and insulting to her and l got that , but l also knew why l wanted time and explained it all many times too. l also had to cancel her first trip a few days before , ooooo that didn't go down well , broke my heart too don't worry.

But once we finally got under way , there were other times where l'd pull back , because her other side would come out again so l'd just think just wtf , l dunno if l even want her to come. So my hesitations and hold back was always thrown at me too, and as l say l could understand the hurt, once she said wtf is wrong with you you have a gorgeous chick you love wanting to fly cross the world to see you but you act like this. And yeah , true , but she was also her other side too and that'd be enough to make any man back step, sooooo.

l often wonder though , did my hold back back then and since , set off all her other stuff and maybe abandonment , self sabotaging . Maybe if l'd just gone for it the way she wanted, she'd be a different woman now , l dunno. But then her stuff came out a day after we met before all that , her ex was perfect , but he couldn't win either.

rx

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Rx,

Despite your dyslexia, you write very well. 😊 My father and son have the same condition and often struggle to write long explanations, so you have done well, buddy!! 👍

I actually groaned when I read your detailing of your ex's behaviour - that was ME for the 17 years of my marriage, I am embarressed to say. Luckily, I am working really hard to not be that person anymore, but it is still a source of shame and regret.

The accusations your ex threw at you about not standing up to her etc etc is an attempt to get you angry and to fight back - to try and get some sort of reciprocal emotional response to how SHE was feeling, to have you experience HER pain. It is juvenile and not in the least way productive, but she is consumed by it and can think of nothing else.

BPD is all about not being able to regulate emotional responses, including releasing stress and worry in healthy ways. Instead, we push it away into a dark corner again and again until it overflows - and then we explode to release it all at once. That's what the 2-3 weeks between episodes is, a purging of thoughts and feelings that have been lying in wait over that time.

Regarding her sexual behaviour (and here I can relate too 😬) I feel I can guess that she was into BDSM or some other potentially violent practice.
This, I believe, is another way to cope with emotional release. Like people who self harm, this kind of sexual behaviour can be a release from mental torment. Pain has a way of forcing your attention into the here and now, temporarily blocking the mental anguish. It can also be because they don't think they deserve to be loved and need to be punished for their inadequacy - it's back to that 'blame yourself because things aren't the way they should be' that I spoke about in the previous post.

The fact is, regardless of the reasons behind her behaviour, it was still massively destructive to you as her partner and no amount of 'good times' can make up for that. There can be understanding and forgiveness, but it needs to be backed up with her trying to figure out why she behaves in the way she does and actually be aware of the effects on those around her. That takes insight, which a lot of people either don't possess or just ignore.

I don't think you should apologise for your role in the partnership - we all react in different ways to cope and unless you were deliberately going out of your way to destroy her as payback for her behaviour, you were probably just doing your best to survive it.

If you feel you need to have some sort of closure, perhaps you could write a variation of what you have written here to me on this forum - explain that although the good times were fabulous, it was the other behaviour that made your relationship untenable.

Make the focus the BEHAVIOUR and not her as a person and perhaps encourage her to investigate into learning to change it, if you don't think that will add fuel to the fire!!!

BPD people are usually good people on the inside, like anyone else, who are simply a product of past (often painful) learning experiences and lack the ability to cope with their own emotional feedback. I would like to believe that she did not deliberately want to make your life a misery, it was just a terrible consequence of her undeveloped emotional responses.

I think you are a good guy for recognising that she was not 'all bad' and this is what makes you feel as though you need to explain things - but she may never understand, unfortunately. Once rejected and the relationship breaks down, she will see you as the root cause of her pain and will (often) sever any emotional connection she had with you to protect herself. Unless she has insight, that means she will not be receptive to any explanation you provide.

Regardless of that outcome, you owe it to yourself to be at peace. If you think YOU will feel better if you wrote her a letter - do it. You were in the relationship just as much as she was and you need to process what happened too.

Congratulations on finding another partner also, I hope you two have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship, the way a partnership should be. 😊

Your ex deserves that too, but she needs to work on her behaviour to achieve it.

Kindest regards,

Kar-Lee xxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hey k /

And thankingya kindly . Man l can't believe you can explain things like that with such ease, l damn near needed an ambulance after trying to get mine straight, crooked straight haha.

l have to come back after some thoughts and tea later. But tbh , the girl l've been seeing could be everything if she can sort her junk , but ex , l dunno , she always said we were twin souls as one , and we actually were, either of us had never had our bizarre thing . lt's just that part of one half use to get the wobbles. lt's not that l wouldn't want us, and l know she would too mo matter what garbage she spits , we've made up many times , but that l just couldn't live the way l'd need too for it to work , whatever that is. lt isn't a happy life at all and just total bs imo on it's downsides. So sadly after beating my head against the wall 4yrs, it's more a kind of what l think is best because l know l could never trust her in that just whom she might be in any given minute , unfortunately . She has the loyalty part let me tell ya she'd take a bullet for me or God help any guys that try it on, So , l'd gladly ride out any storm , because we were first and on another plane again all our own , but l just don't think it's possible. Because she's never admitted or acknowledged one thing, ever , not even a sorry , just a rug sweep til next time.; really l just don't think given her age and past and seemingly still 100% unawareness of herself , it's even possible.

It amazes that you can see you k , really it does .

[Guest_1584]

PS , k did you actually mean the stuff you'd say , or deep down that's what you really thought of the other person , or h ? Or did you just need a good fight , or what ? Does a good fight help ?

Seemed to help ex , but if l lost my temper it just got too ugly , she was allowed to lose hers but if l lost mine l was just an abuser .

She often said her ex drove her mad because he'd never yell or fight , maybe l should've just let it rip haha , although l did plenty of times when she went too far .

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Rx,

Yes, I completely understand how after 4 years you were worn out - never knowing what to expect, fearing for the next explosion...it is taxing on the other person as well as the one with BPD.

Your decision to separate ways with your ex was obviously a considered one - you tried to make it work time and time again, so don't beat yourself up about it. You are the person who has to deal with this pattern of behaviour day after day, it is understandable that you would reach your tolerance level eventually.

Did I really FEEL the things I said to my husband? Yes - absolutely. But at that particular moment, riding that particular wave of emotional outburst. Once the explosion was over and the build-up purged, I was like a different, calmer person who was more rational. My husband knew that he just had to go with the storm until it passed and then I would be back to being the me he loved.

That's why we lasted for 17 years - he would switch off to protect himself and then resume his normal behaviour once I had cooled down. It was both a good and a bad thing to do - good, because it meant he rarely took my attacks personally or fought back (I am in my element when under attack, unfortunately, so he wouldn't have stood a chance!) and bad because his lack of reaction meant I didn't realise that what I was doing was wrong. I was just repeating the same patterns my parents had done before me and my grandparents before that. It wasn't until I saw how other couples were in their relationships that I realised something was wrong. Well, that and the fact it didn't matter what I did in my life, I was deeply unhappy. I always felt disconnected, an outsider, an empty husk of a person who was only something when I was approved of and accepted by others. I was an echo of the people around me and not a person in their own right.

I write easily about these things because I have had a lifetime to mull it over. The sense that something was not quite right with me came to me in Year 2, actually.

A student teacher (who I adored) wasn't paying me any attention despite my best efforts to be the perfect student, so after about a week, I snapped. I was seated with the other children around him, on the floor, so when he walked past, I tried to hurt his foot. He reacted angrily and promptly sent me to the isolation room, where I cried bitterly and actually wondered why I did what I did. I had wanted him to feel my frustration, to see how his inattention was effecting me and not having the necessary skills to articulate this need at the time, I reacted in a physical way.

Interestingly, another teacher heard me crying and came over to see me. She gave me a cuddle and suddenly I had what I needed/wanted - attention from an adult, affection, closeness. All the things denied to me by my mentally ill mother and mostly emotionally and physically absent father.

So I learned, from a young age, that if I reacted explosively, I was more likely to be noticed and it may result in the other person giving me what I desperately craved. It didn't occur to me, at first, that I was potentially destroying the other person with my behaviour. It was a simple case of me doing what I had to do to get what I needed, a basic survival instinct.

 

[Guest_1584]

l wonder if it was an attention thing with ex then , although for us it wouldn't make sense because she'd often start brewing when we were on our highs and she was getting plenty of all haha, no worries about that. So l often thought then that it must be the push pull abandon thing, too high, blow us up push me away before she gets hurt if l leave, or something . Did you get that side of it too, could someone you love get too close ?

l knew her every tone , word , look , where it was going at anytime, but but when they would come you never knew and the why, was a bit of a mystery too , apart from l'd swear that sometimes with all the love and nice things , she needed a fight. But given her past with men and they'd all ended very badly, l'd also thought it was the abandonment self preservation side , feelings were back and just too strong , better blow it up. But l dunno. Funny you say you were in your element if someone did fight back yeah so was ex. People were very very wary of her. And funny to but nah sexually it wasn't quite that standard far far more out there but l'll just say it was very ummm, strange. But eh l like strange haha it's not that it's just that well , it could've also have come from something , buttttt, maybe not.

You mention your dad , hers was never home either he had a traveling job, l'm really not sure about childhood stuff tbh , we often talked so much , but just never got around to that stuff , nor with mine.

ignoring her or switching off didn't work l'm afraid , she come poke you with red hot spears 20times. Although it sounded like that was the ex's method but then they blew up horrifically soooo, not sure about that one. Sounded like she stuck him a few 100 times too many to me tbh. Although she doesn't see it that way so l'd leave that alone.

You know k , on the other hand with your attention side of things , you know there was all the visiting hold ups with us /me, that certainly made her doubt me in serious ways l still couldn't live down to this day . But l dunno.

Anyway you take a break whenever you like ok , all cool no probs , bc l'm so thankful for the chat but l don't wanna ware you out haha or take up your time, or others here that probably need a chat too. So nice of you though k and l know of if they're only reading , you'll be helping a lot of people round here.

big huggems , rx