BPD person who needs a friend with knowledge of BPD

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, I am a 39 year old woman who has undiagnosed (but definitely) BPD and I have just ruined another online relationship with somebody because I couldn't handle yet another burst of emotional dysregulation.

I have tried to undo the damage with all my heart, but my friend is not responding (and probably rightly so) so now I am spiralling along the path of yet another rejection (but also knowing that it was self inflicted, of course) and am back to being crushingly lonely and craving connection with another human being.

I prefer online contact now because it means I can't 'mirror' the other person like I do in a physical meet-up, which means I allow my 'true self' to shine through, although it has lead me to interpret written words in the wrong manner and was the main cause of the last disaster.

So, how does a person with BPD find friends?

I am aware that I have many qualities and gifts to offer as a friend, but when I have a BPD episode (even if I have informed the other person that I have it and what it is) my friends are often horrified and unable to reconcile the 'me' they thought they knew and the emotionally crashing mess in front of them. Enter awkwardness, enter apologies, enter....rejection. And I didn't mean to do it, not one bit. I just get overwhelmed, trapped in a vicious cycle of self doubt, needing constant relationship status reassurance and wondering whether I am good enough for the other person.

Actually, after the storm passes and I have purged, I have more clarity and better resiliance to the matter at hand...but unfortunately, the other person has usually already bailed. Also, ironically, this does NOT happen on any other level in my life - it is ONLY when I have a close interpersonal relationship with someone that I like. If the other person is abusive or violent or aggressive....I am cool, calm and collected, with all the right responses and an incredible amount of tolerance. I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. It also means I am at risk for seeking out such terrible people because it is the only time I feel in control. Thankfully, my rational mind knows that is bad news and I steer clear.

But where to from here? If I can't deal with liking someone (or they like me) and I can't be around people who are, well, nasty - what is left? How am I supposed to stop being lonely if I can't connect to someone? Anyone?

Do I look for people who have BPD? Will it mean that we will be more understanding of each other or will we feed off each others fear of ultimate rejection?

Do I look for people who have experienced another person with BPD and hope that they can understand me?

Or do I have meaningless, casual relationships that never go beyond generalised chit chat?

Any advice is welcome. I am floundering, exhausted, embarressingly desperate for a connection of some kind but also scared to involve another because I am well-aware of my capacity to hurt and confuse them with my outbursts and this is by far the worst torment I suffer - my negative impact on others (on occasion).

My attempts to control my behaviour with self-help books and research has clearly failed, so I am currently looking for a BPD therapist in my area.

Thank you.

[Deckt]

Excellent! Just remember to be as kind to yourself as you would to anyone else. You deserve it just as much as they do. I do genuinely want you to keep me posted. Cyber friendships can be great, as it is easy (relatively) to take a step back when life gets in the way. They can be a little addictive though - just be careful of getting overly attached. It sounds like you're pretty aware of the risk there.

Your insight actually gives me hope that my situation may come out ok, though if my partner (whom I haven't seen in almost a month now) had a fraction of your self-awareness, I would not be in this situation. However, we can choose to look at that as a blessing, because if I hadn't had troubles, I would have ended up here in the first place, and we would not have encountered one another. One of my favourite books in Slaughterhouse 5 - there's this concept that you can choose what you look at. If unpleasant things are happening, you can just choose to look at something else. There's always a silver lining, if you want badly enough to see it.

You have got this.

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Hi, Deckt!

I wrote a response about 2 days ago and it still hasn't been moderated! I am absolutely sure it was within forum rules?

Anyway, I wanted to add that I watched the 'Silver Linings Playbook' last night and although the ending was ultra positive (and therefore suspicious!!) I really enjoyed it.

(Oh, to be accepted for who and what you are!!!)

Tiffany is definitely BPD, although she acts out on her emotional impulses immediately. I tend to have the same thoughts, keep them internally until a point where I can no longer hold it in....and then purge. I also don't lie and I don't manipulate people (knowingly) so that's where we differ majorly.

The synchronicity thing happened again: as you will read in my last post (if it ever comes through!!) I am looking into dancing classes!! Lol! And it get's weirder...on the advertisement about the classes (called 'Debbie's Social Dance Club') the contact name at the bottom is....Tiffany!!!!! Crazy.

My friend F (who is a grief counsellor in palliative care - we catch up every couple of months) has an unwavering belief that everything happens for a reason and is predetermined.

My scientific mind explodes at the thought, but I do concede that occasionally there are some pretty insane coincidences!!

Anyway, I was wondering about how you were getting on with contacting your ex and getting back together? I am unsure how much you are comfortable with divulging, so feel free to set your boundaries at will!

K xxxx

[Deckt]

Hey Pandora!

Yay for common movie taste! I really love Matthew Quick (author of SLP). If you're a reader, I would highly recommend "The Reason You're Alive". It is stunningly beautiful.

You've hit on the one problem I have with SLP - it's a bit Hollywoodised, in that "the power of love can conquer all". I think that the book handles that issue much better. It's still a happy ending, but I think a little more realistic. I do think that love can conquer many things, but not in isolation. In the Bible (not that I'm religious these days) it says something like we are saved by grace after all we can do. I think a lot of people misinterpret this to mean that it doesn't matter what we do. I think that it's the opposite - no matter how much we do, we still need kindness and love from an external source.

I'm very open about my stuff - I have my own thread. Please feel free to give it a read - it's under relationships and called "New Relationship after divorce". There's a good bit of background there. I would really appreciate your advice though. At the moment, I'm just doing everything that I can to make her leaving me easy. I want to call her, to hear her voice, but it causes me a remarkable amount of pain to hear the bitterness (and alcohol) in her voice. I've made it clear that I'm happy to be in her life (either as a partner or a friend) as long as she stops drinking. So far, she's not willing to do that. All I can do is be strong, and keep myself well for the day that may never come where she realises that I'm not such a bad guy after all. To paraphrase Hemingway, she is a fine person and worth fighting for. But sometimes fighting is a strategic retreat.

If you were in her position, what would you want to hear?

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Oh, Deckt! What a terrible time you have been having. I just finished reading your relationship thread and I will give my opinion as honestly as possible, but you can, of course, choose to take or leave it.

Ok. Deep breath. (Assumes position of Wise Woman and Great Sage).....

BPD (unless you have insight) can probably be viewed as the most selfish of all personality disorders (along with narcissism, which you mentioned your recent ex as having the characteristics of) because it complete revolves around filling the void with what you are missing, AT ANY COST.

Negotiation is pretty far back on a BPD person's list of priorities so they can be ruthless (and feel justified) in getting what they think they need and to hell with the casualties.

Your ex-partner's alcoholism points to her despair at not being able to fill the void (in a manner acceptable to her) so she is trying to escape it instead, or perhaps punish herself because she is frustrated at her situation.
Either way, she is a very unhappy person and she needs help - but perhaps not yours, because you are too close and also an easily accessible scapegoat.

I will explain.

Guy (you) meets girl (her) and fall in love. Girl is BPD, so she moves fast. She is passionately invested in this man, she puts him on a pedestal, he is perfect with no faults, she lives and breathes FOR THIS MAN.
He scratches her itch for love and intimacy and attention and acceptance, so she is happy and reciprocal in her behaviour. He comes with kids, but she doesn't really think that is going to be an issue, so that fades in the background compared to her emotional high.

Reality intervenes. Girl realises guy is not perfect, he doesn't just accept her constant intoxication (and says so) and his attention must also be divided with other people and other life matters so her dream starts fraying at the edges. Add a little general life stress and all of a sudden the girl SPLITS.

Everything that was rosy becomes twisted black.

Girl then thinks: If my relationship was perfect before, what MADE it flawed?
Oh, yes - that's right - the guy was too busy paying attention to his children and having a problem with my alcoholism, so I will punish him for doing that to me and then he will see the error of his ways and everything will return back to the fairytale.
The girl knows the guy has a kind heart, loves her deeply and is patient, so her behaviour will bring out his caring side and he will try and resolve the conflict, so she doesn't have to do anything. She just witholds her love and affection and replaces it with bitterness (because she is disappointed in him) to spur him into action.

After all, it was HIS FAULT that this happened, after all, so HE should be the one to fix it. And if he doesn't back down to her demands? She will continue to hurt him until he does or she will fling him away from her to avoid further disappointment.

There is no winner here, Deckt. NO ONE can live up to the ideals an untreated BPD person has, so even if you make up with her somehow, another occasion will arise where she will split - and the same situation starts again albeit with a different trigger.

This may be just because I am a parent that I say this, but your children are the most important people in your life. This clear from your careful considering of parental arrangements following your divorce so that they are able to have full access to their biological family...even if it is apart.

So I think this is what you need to think about when deciding whether to get back with her or not.

What does she bring as a person to your little family?
Is she a positive addition? Will she be a good influence on your children? Can you trust her to have their best intentions at heart?

And for you: Can she accept you as a father AND a lover?
Can she show commitment to your family by ensuring she addresses her alcoholism, which is not just a danger to herself, but all of us?
Can she accept you as you are and not what she wants you to be?
Are you strong enough and do you have the internal fortitude (while coping with chronic illness) to provide the level of support she needs, especially as it will probably be longterm?
Will she use your naturally conciliatory nature to constantly escape the responsibilities of her actions rather than facing up to them herself?

My overall opinion is...well...(winces).. you will lose out here, buddy. If she lacks the motivation or willpower to lift herself out of self destruction, she will not hesitate in destroying others. And she will keep doing it until she recognises the role SHE plays in what happens to her. Remember, she'll be thinking all of this is happening TO her - she is the victim.

So, moral of the story: if she can't help herself, she can't work with you to help your relationship. And every minute you spend attempting to help her is a minute less that you spend looking after yourself and your little family(because you deserve to be cared for too!) and a minute less for finding another person who gives, rather than takes, in your relationship.

My last advice would be to step back - you have done what you can, you have helped her as much as you can - now she needs to help herself, by herself, otherwise she will constantly rely on your forgiving nature and NEVER LEARN.

Unfortunately, this leaves you without the person you love but at least you know you did everything humanly possible from your side.

Now it's up to her.

K xxxxx

[Deckt]

Thank you, K.

Your advice is most welcome, and I have to say, totally on the money. It's what I've been telling myself for a long time, as much as I hate to admit it. I've put close to three years into this relationship, and it's been getting worse, not better. It's so depressing. No matter what I do, no matter the sacrifices I make for her happiness, it's never going to be enough.

Do you know about the sunk cost fallacy? That's how I feel.

I'm sorry this isn't a more lengthy message, considering how thoughtful and in-depth your comment was. Just way too depressing to talk more about me right now. Also, I don't want to totally hijack your thread. 🙂

So, how's things with you? The dancing thing sounds pretty awesome! Maybe a way to meet some nice people in a non-threatening environment?

[Deckt]

I'm sorry... I do just have one follow-up question, if that's ok?

I'm in the process of packing her things. Obviously this is an upsetting time for me. I'm considering sending her a message, something along the lines of;

"Hey, I'm just packing up your stuff. It's not too late to change your mind, if you are willing to get help with your drinking."

It feels like a mistake, even though it's a fairly innocuous message. I don't want to stir the pot, but I do want her to know that there's help available, and that I haven't given up on her.

What do you think?

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Dear Deckt,

You poor chicken.

I will be brief, because I know you are hurting.

Your message gives her two exits: one says that all she needs to do is 'be willing' to give up her drinking and the other, that you are willing to forget and start again despite what has happened.

She can't have an exit. She HAS to be accountable for her behaviour and learn from it or she is doomed to repeat it. Over and over again, with you or others.

I would suggest saying: "I will be here waiting after your recovery', or something along those lines.

No exit. No way to get around it by pulling your heart strings or by guilting you - she MUST make the change or there is no possibility of a relationship.

If she truly loves you, she will pull her socks up and EARN the right to be back together with you - you have value and you are selling yourself short by expecting any less of her.

You can get through this. The ball is in her court.

K xxxxx (hugs!)

[Deckt]

Hey K.

You're pretty awesome, you know that? 🙂 I want to hear more about your stuff, ok? I'm not taking over your thread!

L (hugs right back)

[Pandora_Paradoxical]

Ha, ha! Well, it's funny you say that because I did write a lengthy note on the changes I have made since we started chatting (ie, putting the theory into practice) and also gave an explanation as to the cause/effect/lessons learned from my last episode....but it has disappeared!! It went off to moderation and has failed to return. No idea why?
I will just write it up again later.

Anyway, enough about me.

I'm really glad you are making headway too.

Keep that positivity going!!

:)

K xxxx

[Deckt]

Thanks K.

I took my dog for a walk, and gave it some thought. I guess what I'm afraid of is that she doesn't know that I care. But... if she doesn't know by now, another message won't do it. For context, this is the last message I sent her;

"My love, I want you to be happy. If you're happy now, that's good. Please continue doing what you are doing. But if, on the odd chance, you're not happy? Maybe you could give sobriety a try and just see what happens. There's a meeting tonight, I can take you.

You may not be ready yet. I understand if that's the case. When you are ready, let me know. Otherwise, there's really nothing left to say. Please stay safe, and find whatever happiness you can."

There's really nothing else to say, is there?

I've found with that if there's an issue with a message, they'll email you and let you know. Otherwise, it should hopefully come through. I'm looking forward to reading it!

L