Trying to do life with a broken emotional thermostat, where every feeling is magnified - it is extremely difficult. I understand now exactly where my Bipolar Disorder originated. Family history. I tackled my 20's by riding the moods & the rapid cycling with substance abuse & gambling. Isn't that normal? Truth was I was suffering & it held me back. My relationships were reflective of my illness & I never..ever let anyone close. The intoxicated me was everyone's best mate then I'd lie in bed for days at a time. So I continue this manic way of life & meet a woman that saw something in me, behind the my erratic behaviour. Happily ever after? Nope. After 5 yrs of marriage & a child I did improve alot but I still battled everyday to keep my head above water. We moved states, I thought a 'fresh start' would help me. I was wrong. The isolation & loneliness was detrimental & along with life pressures I regressed. I gave up. The 13-14 period I lost it. Alcohol abuse, porn addiction, rampant gambling & very grandiose behaviour. I was out of control & also out of the family home. I saw a doctor for the 1st time during this period. I sat and I cried for the whole appt. Broken. As it turned out it took some months of medication changes to land @ Bipolar. It was during this period I gave up. I $30K lost on a 2 day bender. Most would say, what an idiot. But inside my world at that time I didn't care if I lived to see the next day. And that is exactly what happened, I texted my estranged wife to say sorry, ready to end my life. Someone called the police & i was coaxed not to & taken to hospital. I got out after 3 weeks & on day 1 out I tried again. Another month in hospital followed by another month. Time changed me. I kept therapy going, I started to make small changes & looked after my sleep. Accepted & embraced my illness & my treatment plan. Got my family back!! I don't forget the feeling of the policeman talking to me in the back of the ambulance...telling me i can recycle my pain & make it work for me, don't give up & make sure your daughter has a Daddy. I'll never see him again, wouldn't know him if I ran into him - but thank you, i'll never forget. I write this to remind people they aren't alone & to also to encourage others that it is ok to have a voice, don't be ashamed. Also that I am as normal as the next person! Get help early, if you think something is wrong get to a doc. Love yourself. You're so worth it
