Dear all I am having an awful morning. I woke up feeling really emotional & don't know why. My husband woke up shortly after & I could tell he was upset. He said I don't communicate anymore as I shutdown & isolate myself & he feels like he is living alone. He criticised my medication, my Drs & my wish to talk about Beyond Blue. He said he'd had enough suffering. I asked if he would read about depression and he said why would he read it when he lives with it everyday. He was harsh & angry. I wanted to explain to him that if he read material he might be more compassionate & hopeful. Sometimes I think he must believe I enjoy all this. Can't he see I'm in pain hurting, not knowing where my mind will end up next? I'd do anything to stop my thoughts & experience happiness. I spent $200 I didn't have on Selfhelp books the past few weeks. I'm trying so so hard. And I took my son out as promised yesterday & spoilt him even though I didn't feel like it-I forced myself for him. Then I got home and rarely does this happen, but I was overwhelmed to end it all. But my safety net is my kids & I don't think I could ever do that to them. This morning I'm so overwrought with emotion and want to never stop the tears but I can only feel them flow softly down my face. (Neil I want to cry & cry like you but I can't). It's not going to be a good day by the way things are going. I need to find myself somehow. For those that don't know-I left home at 19 & moved into a share house of young people. Until then I had been supporting my mum who had breast cancer & 2 younger sisters. I stayed that long as my Dad had abused me & I waited until he left before I did. My self worth/esteem was so low I thought that the first person to show me any form of love &/or affection I'd stick with. So at 19 I married a guy in that house & we still together today although we've endured so much with my illness. His leukaemia & issues with kids. Anyway today I feel really sad. My husband is so angry I'm only seeing Drs/Psychiatrists who prescribe more medication each visit. My Pysch knows my history & says I have PTSD, trauma. Severe anxiety & chronic depression. She said I will always live with the pain but hopefully come to accept it as a chapter of my life & move on to the next chapter. Don't you hate those days you get up & could start crying before you hit the bathroom. It's a roller coaster. I like GA mentioned in a previous post hate the fear of not knowing what's going to hit me when. I feel I'm a hopeless, unmotivated, unfuctionaning, wreck of a person who used to be so bright & fun & happy & loveable. Now I'm a lonely isolated stuck at home feeling worthless person who is heading nowhere. I hope you are all doing a little better than me this morning. Lve Mares xxx
