Big bad monsters in head

[Mares73]

Dear all I am having an awful morning. I woke up feeling really emotional & don't know why. My husband woke up shortly after & I could tell he was upset. He said I don't communicate anymore as I shutdown & isolate myself & he feels like he is living alone. He criticised my medication, my Drs & my wish to talk about Beyond Blue. He said he'd had enough suffering. I asked if he would read about depression and he said why would he read it when he lives with it everyday. He was harsh & angry. I wanted to explain to him that if he read material he might be more compassionate & hopeful. Sometimes I think he must believe I enjoy all this. Can't he see I'm in pain hurting, not knowing where my mind will end up next? I'd do anything to stop my thoughts & experience happiness. I spent $200 I didn't have on Selfhelp books the past few weeks. I'm trying so so hard. And I took my son out as promised yesterday & spoilt him even though I didn't feel like it-I forced myself for him. Then I got home and rarely does this happen, but I was overwhelmed to end it all. But my safety net is my kids & I don't think I could ever do that to them. This morning I'm so overwrought with emotion and want to never stop the tears but I can only feel them flow softly down my face. (Neil I want to cry & cry like you but I can't). It's not going to be a good day by the way things are going. I need to find myself somehow. For those that don't know-I left home at 19 & moved into a share house of young people. Until then I had been supporting my mum who had breast cancer & 2 younger sisters. I stayed that long as my Dad had abused me & I waited until  he left before I did. My self worth/esteem was so low I thought that the first person to show me any form of love &/or affection I'd stick with. So at 19 I married a guy in that house & we still together today although we've endured so much with my illness. His leukaemia & issues with kids. Anyway today I feel really sad. My husband is so angry I'm only seeing Drs/Psychiatrists who prescribe more medication each visit. My Pysch knows my history & says I have PTSD, trauma. Severe anxiety & chronic depression. She said I will always live with the pain but hopefully come to accept it as a chapter of my life & move on to the next chapter. Don't you hate those days you get up & could start crying before you hit the bathroom. It's a roller coaster. I like GA mentioned in a previous post hate the fear of not knowing what's going to hit me when. I feel I'm a hopeless, unmotivated, unfuctionaning, wreck of a person who used to be so bright & fun & happy & loveable. Now I'm a lonely isolated stuck at home feeling worthless person who is heading nowhere. I hope you are all doing a little better than me this morning. Lve Mares xxx

[Neil_1]

Wow Maresy there’s a lot of detail in there … and thanx for opening up with this.  As you know, it is awesome to get stuff out of the mind and onto computer.  (Hey, before I go on, if you’ve sent those 3 kisses to me, does that mean that everyone else gets none! 🙂  ESAB (electronically smiling a bit)  

Hey guess what and I am sorry to do this, but I’m going to correct some kind of glaring errors in your post.  You say you’re unmotivated, hopeless and a few other things – a buzzer sounds loudly to indicate, WRONG – as someone could not get up and project thoughts and feelings AND happenings onto a post like you’ve done if you were those bad things you’ve nominated yourself as being.  No way Mares are you any of those things.  

The weekend is soon upon us and this weekend I would love to see you (and all of us) get off this damn rollercoaster and let the thing go round and around without us … just for two days.  That’d be good, wouldn’t it?  

By the way Mares, with a lot of what you’ve described above, it was almost like I had written it, cause you were describing me to a tee there as well.   “Don’t communicate any more”, “living alone”, yep I can relate to those …   When he mentioned he’d had enough of suffering, was that due to his living with you?   Your reasoning for him to read up on depression was brilliant and a really helpful suggestion.  His response wasn’t fair, because he sees you suffering with it … but I’m gathering he doesn’t understand it … which wouldn’t be hard, cause I’ve got it and I can’t make head nor tail of the damn thing either!!  

I had tears roll down my face a couple of days ago (and no, I wasn’t peeling onions) it was as I was reading another person’s post on one of the sites here … and I was hoping that the trickle would develop into something bigger, but after about a minute, they dried up and that was it.  

This is the thing Mares, with regard to what your psych said, ‘where you will continue to live with the pain until you can hopefully accept it … and then you can close this chapter and commence a new one”;  yes and I agree and that’s all well and good.  But HOW much longer is the key question?  How much longer do we have to live with this pain?  Accepting it is damn hard for all of us … but it’s a good goal to have

I do hope that hubby comes back to you later today and apologises … because none of this is your fault.  I know this, and Maresy, YOU know this.  It’s this illness that won’t allow us to be the happy and go-lucky people that we once were … it’s evil and it dominates us, so much so, to the detriment of all that is good in our lives … our family, our relationships, friendships. 

 I wish I could write something that would help you more … and that would help ease up the feelings that your husband has at the moment.  It’s hot everywhere, perhaps the heats getting to him at the wrong time.  

Anyway, I’ll send this off now and hope that even a smidgeon of it helped in some small way.  

Cheers Maresy  

Neil 🙂

[Jo3]

Hey Mares

I feel for you so much, I am sending you a big hug xxxxx.

How did Neil get Maresy (have I missed something here!!!)

 I agree with Neil in regards to not communicating much - I tend to hide away, stay on my own, talk to everyone on here and not talk to my husband. Why? Because he doesn't understand what it's like to have a mental illness whereas everyone on here does.

I can relate to what your psych is saying also - I told my GP today that depression sucks and I hate it so much and I hate being like this - his reply was if only i could take it away for you i would. But i don't know how long i will feel like this, that's the problem it's the when.

I don't know what to say, I'm not much for words sometimes, but i just want to say that i am here for you to chat; i am thinking of you and just wish there was a little ray of sunshine coming your way.

Pls take care, hope things improve with you and your husband.

Jo xxx

[Neil_1]

Hi Maresy;

I hope that that miserable day you had the other day is now gone and it's been thrown into the outgoing rubbish bin.

I'm guessing that you're not answering back yet, cause you keep getting half way through my above response and then nod off to sleep and each time you go back to it, the same thing happens again.  Um, sorry about that.

Jo, I got Maresy from an earlier post ... on another thread somewhere ... and she's fine with it, which thrills me, cause I've always wanted to call someone Maresy.  🙂

Simple things please simple minds.

Cheers

Neil

[Mares73]

Hi Neil & Jo no it's worse. I woke up crying my eyes out because I had to face another day & now everyone is up so I'm anxious, feeling so very low and worst part is I don't know what's triggered this. I really haven't felt this desperate in a long long time. X M

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares

If you need someone directly to talk to, please, use the number at the top of this page.

Do you have anyone who is with you at home?

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in an awful place right now.  I hope as the day has progressed it's got a little better.

Your friend

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi Mares

Pls pls pls phone the number on the top right hand corner for BB and speak to someone there, they will be able to help you.

Mares I am so sorry you are feeling so low.  I'm sending you a big hug and warm wishes to you.  I hope you are feeling a little better by the time you read this.

Pls take care, get back to us and let us know because we all care about you.

Jo xx

[Lillybell]

Hi Mares, something really struck me with your post. It was what you said about how you came to marry your husband. You said that after all that had happened to you, you would stick with anyone who showed you any form of love or affection. This is so significant because it seems that all of the emphasis got placed on his affection and attitude to you and not whether he was really the right person for you or you were compatible. And... you were so young. You sound a similar age to me. And women of that generation tended to lose themselves in their partners. I know I did which is why I am saying these things to you now.

 I married for the same reasons as you and the time came when I found that I was unhappy because I lost myself in my husband and who he was. Over the last several years I have discovered me again. And now I don't really like who we are together. I feel held back and unfulfilled. But we stay together because it is more practical to do so.  My husband is also a fundamentalist Christian, which I became myself when we married. I've changed but he has stayed the same and that is the problem. Sad for me but also sad for him because he doesn't have a wife to share his beliefs with. I only tell you all of this so that you might be able to do some thinking  about your own relationship. Did you lose yourself like I did? Or is it that you've never really had a chance to be who you want to be, or know yourself,  because you've been so busy caring for other people. Maybe in exploring these questions, you might find some of the reasons for your depression. And if I'm completely off the mark here, my apologies Mares. I never know how my words are going to come across to those reading them. But I hope they come across in a warm and caring way.  I get a little hypersenstive lately about what I write!

[geoff]

dear Mares, well Neil's post is excellent he has the knack of communicating very well, just as all the other responders do.

Hell how can we ever explain to those who don't have depression what it's like to be drawn into this cluster of darkness, because do matter how hard it is for us to try and explain the deepness, the loneliness and our lack of any enthusiasm is impossible, because they never understand, and to them it's just annoying.

Your psych says that you have PTSD just like my new psych does with me, OK but how do we be able to overcome this, he says that it can be done, but it's always going to be there in the back of our minds, so what the hell does this mean, that we have to live with it forever, or realise that it's there, or learn how to manage it, I don't know because it's a conscious thought just sitting there.

With regard to your husband, there is an enormous difference between living with someone who is suffering from depression than to reading all the material about this illness, as all the anomalies are different, circumstances are different, families are different and anything else is not the same as the person you are living with.

If there was any want to learn about depression, or the want of compassion for someone else then they would want to learn as much as possible, however if this doesn't happen, and it happened with me, as my ex gave up asking me how my session with my psych went, she wasn't interested, we are on our own.

As to Lillybell's comment my ex was a catholic and she always told me that 'who ever' would heal me, and I won't say what I would like to say, because it never happened. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

Thanks all. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I feel lower than I can remember in a long time. Yet last week I had a good week. It's scaring me how fragile my thoughts are. Yesterday & today I could of got straight out of bed & written my will-which is something I need to do at some point but not the way I could of this weekend. I've been going to bed hoping I don't wake up. I'm so relieved at night time & when I wake up I feel dread & anxiety that I start to panic. I'm safe-have to look after kids etc. just breaking my heart feeling so low & lost. X Mares