Been a struggle for so long-will it ever stop?

[Lost_one]

I had a bad day. Another one.

As I washed up dishes tonight while husband put kids (2 young ones) to bed I actually thought wonder how I can go about passing legal guardianship of them to someone... surely I am not well enough to be looking after them. I feel like I can't do another day in my shoes.... I know I have a pretty good life but my head is a wreck, the meds aren't working and no matter how much I talk and think about it I cannot implement the lifestyle changes my physchiatrist told me I need. (Exercise, stop working, have a break from child minding etc)

My hubby tries to be there but I can't keep telling him I feel so unwell I can't get myself out of this.

I love my kids- they are the reason I am still here.... but I have slipped lower and lower and I am scared one day I will slip to the point where I convince myself they dont need me. I am not there yet but I want to prevent that.

Advice from other mums? anyone????

[vip]

Hi Lost one I committed suicide 3 years ago and survived. Luckily for me my son who is 6 now still has his mum around. My husband looked after him for 2 yrs while i was in intensive care rehab ect. That was 2 years i lost with my son and i regret. My son has mild autism and i thought i just cant do this ect ect. I am on the mend now and think OMG how could i have thought this my son needs me emotionally physically spiritually and it wasnt me speaking it was the depression at the time. At some point here i felt like a crappy useless mum . I have done a total 360 now and yes took the advice from the psych's doctors ect Exercise, going back to work, volunteering, meeting up with friends I understand how hard it is to motivate yourself but you really have to try harder and just do it. Take the advice it helped me to get better and honestly i can cope so much better now with whats thrown at me. Just having my son tell me mummy I love you or mummy can I have a hug that is the greatest thing you could ask from your kids, Honestly my son was a different boy when i wasnt around so 100% your kids need you and want you you are the most important person in their life so hang in there do it for yourself your kids your husband. Take care

[Dennis38]

As you can see by my picture I am not a mum...I would make an UGLY woman!!...but I will give some advice that I have found that helps me on the rough days. First you have to stop beating yourself up and saying things, and we all do this to ourselves, like I am not worth while, I am no good to any one or anything... yada yada...we all say these things to ourselves and it hurts because we start to believe ourselves and this nasty pack of lies.

So here goes and this comes with 13 years of pain, both mental and physical, when you are having a rough moment the hardest and yet the best thing to do is take a deep, and I mean from the belly deep, breath, hold it for ten seconds then slowly blow as much air out as you can, as you blow the air out just imaging you are blowning all these nasty thoughts out of your body. Lets face is depression effects not only the mind but the body as well. Then go about doing what needs to be done. Its hard at first but after a while it does help, it will not cure you but it will help slack off that knot in your belly that you get.

Now after one serious thought of suicide ( have had many but never any that I have lost total control and tried to do until that very first time) I have learned something and that is some times, my dear, we can't do this alone or as you put it "I feel so unwell I can't get myself out of this." The meds do take time to work having been on one for about three months I can tell you it took about 3 weeks before they started to work for me. Nothing wrong with taking meds some times it just helps us get that solid ground back under us for a little while.

The break from child minding could be a good thing for both you and your hubby, I suggest duct tape and a lot of it...see why I am not a parent lol? Find a little me time you need it and do something nice for yourself, even if its just spending a day watching TV in your pjs and pigging out on a tub of icecream...Also find something that you can do such as a hobby that you can kind of let the body work and the mind can kind of wander off on its one tangent. It just kind of helps pull us out of that nasty dark headspace that depression wants us to stay in.

Also hold onto your kids and your love for them that will help pull you out as well. Other then that talk to people, that's what this forum is for, we understand and we will each help you in best way we can, just remember though the only person that can truly say what is best for you...is....You!

[jess334]

Hi Lost one, 

I'm not a mum, sorry. But my partner and I want to have kids soon.  The scariest thing for me is that I don't know if I will be able to deal with kids plus my anxiety/depression.  Also what if I pass on my bad genes to them.  

Obviously the medication your on isnt working.  have you tried speaking to your doctor and changing to something else?  A lot of the time it takes a few different trials to find the one that works for you.  Once you do find the right one though it makes such a difference.  A month ago I was having severe suicidal thoughts.  I even planned it.  Three weeks on my new antidepressants and I am glad I didn't.  Although I still have depression its not anywhere near as severe and I feel like I can actually get through the day.  

Bottom line, you cant get yourself out of it, you need help.  Speak to your psychiatrist or doctor again, work towards getting on the right medication path.  Exercising and taking a break will help too, but for me I couldn't get enough energy to do those things until my medication made me feel a little less depressed.  

Good luck, keep us informed.  

[Lost_one]

Thankyou everyone for your kind responses. Dennis38 yours actually made me smile as my husband loves Duct tape and tries to use it for everything.

I have been on Meds for about 4 years and the same one just varying doses for the last 2.5 years. The Dr said I can't go any higher now without adding another type of med to the mix and also some big side effects. Hubby would prefer I am not on anything and he would like to me to be "healed" to that point. But I really just want to not sink any lower... the thought of ever being able to stop meds all together is just too much of a pipe dream.
Nes I appreciate you sharing your struggle and the long term outcome I think it is so good you didnt die as you said kids are so different without their mother around. I know mine would struggle so much. My eldest has been diagnosed with ADHD/mood disorder/ anxiety at 6 so needs me more than a typical healthy 6 year old kids their mum... but in that "'circle of security" my hands are just constantly slipping off because I don't feel strong or loving and supportive to her... and I am wondering if her problems are because of me and my condition. I had really severe PND after the birth of my second I actually put my kids to bed and said goodbye to them one night when the youngest was 3 weeks old then walked out the door with intention to kill myself. I didnt have a plan, I just felt numb.... I ended up driving aimlessly and then parked at a carpark and cried for 3 hours. Thankfully I havent gotten to that point since then (this was 2009).

The thing is I am getting to the point where my life is so vastly different from what it was before I became ill that I have no idea how to be "myself" (myself minus depression)- its like it is something that defines me and that makes me feel sick to my stomach. 
Thanks for listening...