Back again, though it’s been a little while and not feeling well.

[ChildHeart]

Hi all,

it’s been a while since I have posted so forgive me for doing this, but I’ll post a bit about my history and then why I’m posting today. 

To try sum it up quickly, I struggled through school with bullying to the point I was su*cidal and I had a difficult relationship with my mother. Fast forward to post school where I was in culinary school aiming for my passion of being a chef. I was bullied in class and then quit the class and found I rather enjoyed working front of house and held a job in a hotel running conferences and events for a number of years accept i was bullied by my bosses there, too. I ended up resigning and just as soon as I did my parents who I was still living with got sick my mother with Parkinson’s and blood disease and my father with cancer. I stayed at home with them for the whole six years (became house bound and lost my friends) of their sickness and decline until they passed away which I had trouble dealing with and getting my life back on track. Things got bad..I was living in and out of hotels and my GP said I had clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder. I would sleep a lot or my anxiety would keep me up for days and sometimes not knowing what day it was. I have a sibling who lives in another country who does not understand what I have gone through and am going through.

An “old friend” at the time said she would put me up in another state with her only to be kicked out with my stuff tossed in garbage bags on the front lawn. Not knowing what to do I involved my sibling who said he was tired of having to help me out all the time and that I had to get my life together. I got an apartment though it was a flat share and then fell in love with a wonderful man who showed me such love and support, but we have separated and I feel abandoned yet again. I keep messing up, family is dissapointed in me and I feel….I don’t even know. I had to ask my sibling for some financial support again and it’s caused yet another rift between us. I have creative projects that I’ve been trying to get out there in the hopes to be a success for me but it doesn’t happen and my sibling keeps telling me to get a real job and stop messing around.

I’m tired of being told I will amount to nothing with the things I actually want to do and I’m tired of having to try be something im not (acting happy for others to not be a burden anymore) I just would like some I guess advice? Thank you.

[therising]

Hi ChildHeart

You sound like such a deeply caring, deeply feeling beautiful highly creative soul. I believe this world is always blessed when such a person enters into it. When such a person comes to life, I've found guidance is absolutely key for them because of who they are.

Imagine if someone was to say, from the very beginning, 'Because you are so deeply feeling, I will show you how to feel - how to get a feel for depressing abusive people and how to manage them, how to get a feel for those who will become your kind of people (friends), how to feel when to emotionally detach and when to connect and why. I will show you how to feel your passions and the paths that lead you to fulfill those passions. I will show you how to get a feel for being more demanding of others when you need to be'.

Imagine, in the beginning, someone said 'I will show you how to care for others and yourself in ways that serve everyone. I will show you how to care less when you need to and I'll show you how caring too much can be damaging in a number of ways. I'll show you how to not let people take advantage of your caring nature, draining you in the process. I'll show you how to recharge your batteries as a carer'.

Imagine if someone was to say 'I will show you how truly beautiful you are and how to maintain your ability to see it. I will show you how to be proud of what's beautiful within you and how to recognise the people who'll make it their job to destroy your light (bullies/abusers). I'll show you how to take care of your beautiful nature'.

I think, for some, a time may come that is the equivalent of saying in some way 'I don't know how to do life as a deeply feeling, deeply caring beautiful person, without feeling so much pain from others at the same time. No one ever showed me how and now I desperately need to know. I need to know how to be me in all the ways that are going to serve me and amaze me'.

it is never too late to learn how to feel, learn how to care in all the ways we need to and to learn how to recognise what is truly beautiful about us. It is never too late to unlearn all the depressing lies about our self that others have led us to believe in.

[ChildHeart]

Thank you for your kind words and you are right, I do wish for those things. It’s not easy when people see my generosity, my kind nature, how big my heart and immediately think “ah, somebody I can manipulate and take advantage of”. Meanwhile there’s me, giving yet another person the benefit of the doubt because I try to see the good in everybody. 

Do you know the song “no rain” by blind melon? It’s a retro 90s song but the film clip is essentially how I feel. There’s a young girl dressed as a bumble bee who is tap dancing at an audition and she gets laughed at and she cries and runs away. A majority of the film clip is her looking sad wandering around feeling out of place and like nobody sees the bee-uty in her until at the end she’s walking past a pretty and vibrant green field and discovers a group of people dressed as bumblebees as well and she runs to them and they all dance together and she’s so happy because she’s finally loved for who she is and she can be herself. It’s similar to another song I resonate with which is coldplays paradise.

“When she was just a girl she expected the world

But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly

she would dream of para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise” 

there’s so much more I could say to your post but I know there’s a limit on characters so.. but thank you again for your words, they did resonate with me. 

[ChildHeart]

Also, sorry, if I may say.. you really see all that in me just from my post? That really touched my heart to hear it. Once again, thank you. 

[ChildHeart]

Sorry, but while I think of it, I always resonated with Belle, from beauty and the beast my favourite Disney movie. Everybody sees her as so strange but she just walks to the beat of her own drum and even though the prince had been turned into a beast she saw through that and saw what was deep inside him. People think I see the world through rose coloured glasses and im aware there’s a reality. But the world can be so much more beautiful this way.. but it’s a fantasy. I guess. Which I think is also why people don’t take me seriously they do act a lot of the time like I’m a child showing them a drawing I have done (those that have known me personally) and they just do the whole “that’s nice dear” and then dismiss me completely. 

[ChildHeart]

Welp. That’s it. It’s like I’m just a punching bag.. a door mat. Oh walk all over her it doesn’t matter who cares about her heart. Use her it doesn’t matter she’s too polite to speak up. Throw her away she won’t hate you for it she’s too nice. I helped the lady in the park.. okay I talked to her she was having problems.. good karma points right? Nope swear I don’t get ‘em. Talk to cousin on the phone.. on and on about her problems I lend an ear I show concern and just when I start to talk about me? Oh suddenly she has to go. Brother and I aren’t talking because im a “bad person” and it’s my birthday tomorrow with nobody to share it with and hooray the man that I loved that said we needed some separation has now just asked for his key back after I just did hims favour. Woopie for me! Life’s just grand.