Dear Elsie~
You are an intelligent sensitive person who is in the pits of depression. You have a family and are stretched - even without this. I relate totally, my life has had similar.
I can say the above because I've hunted down your other posts and read them. It may not seem a big thing sometimes but here in the Forum are people understand what is happening to you because they have been down the same track too and really care.
Before I mention the birthday incident it appears from your writing that although you have been under treatment for a long time, at present it is ineffective, and that this compounds things because without the will or energy to do the tasks you think you should you then you blame yourself and think it is a further shortcoming of yours. A vicious circle.
If you broke your leg you would not berate yourself for not walking over to the sink and doing the washing up - you would make other arrangements, namely get someone else to do it. Self-judgment would not come into it. Depression is an illness or injury, just the same.
Perhaps it might be worth bringing your medical appointment forward? All long-term treatments need review (I've been on treatment for a very long time too) and now looks like a very good time. being dragged though life -by a truck or by circumstances - is no way to be. Life can be so much better. I know, my life is pretty good now - you should have seen it before.
With the present, I'm with Kanga. The price of a present should never be discussed - it's just not on. I know you said your husband had a lot on his plate, perhaps that is an excuse for not buying in advance - I don't know. I do know he did buy you something in the end - so maybe there's hope.
I do have one request - please try to use just the one thread -maybe Waiting for wellness. It's really not necessary to start afresh with each event or topic. There a whole load of people that have responded to you, and learned about your situation and about you in the process. It makes it very hard for them to catch up and try to give you their thoughts. They do want to help.
You have my best wishes
Croix
