I look in the mirror and don't even recognise myself anymore

ricky84 · ‎27-03-2017

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but here goes. After graduating School I suffered severe depression. I was bullied in school and mistreated at home. I've always had a large problem with self-esteem, always feeling people are laughing at me etc. My family have always put pressure on me to have a successful career. After leaving school all of this pressure and my self-esteem issues put my life in a spiral. I was not able to get a job which isolated me and caused me to lose contact with friends. My family also did not understand. Then a miracle happened and I got a job which I was good at and enjoyed for 10 years (I'm now 33). I was able to purchase a house and adopt a cat whom I adore.

Although I had issues I built a life for myself. This changed in 2015. I got a new job in my organisation. Unfortunately what I was told the role required me to do and the reality and expectations of the job were different. Upon trying to speak to family and friends about how I felt they didn't understand. This has isolated me and I've lost contact with friends and most family. I have a sister who has tried her best to help.

Every day gets worse. The stress from my job started causing severe depression. I often cry at work and as soon as I finish work I burst into tears and often cry until I fall asleep. I have a lot of trouble sleeping. I was once active and would go to the gym 5-6 times a week but now I can't. I no longer see my nieces I don't want them to see me like this. My sisters say that my nieces ask about me and get upset that they don't see me anymore which makes me sad. I know that the way that I am upsets my sister so I try to not talk to her anymore as I don't want her life to be ruined because of me.

Due to my low self-esteem I've attached my self-worth to my career and if I don’t have this career I'm worthless. I feel that I'm pigeon-holed into this line of work I hate. Even if I could get another job I feel I will fail. I will lose
my house and lose my cat who I feel is the only one who loves me the way I am. I have discovered problems with my house but am too scared to spend the money to fix them which is adding to the stress.

I'm lonely and can’t find enjoyment in anything. I'm stuck in this dark hole and feel there's no way out. Writing this or reaching out for help has been hard. I don't want to die but I hate this. I hate the way I feel and I hate myself. I look in the mirror and don't even recognise myself anymore.

IronKitty · ‎27-03-2017

Hi rick84,

I'm new here, so I'm not sure if this is indeed the correct place to post this ha-ha. But anyway, reading about your experience felt like reading of my own in a sense. I know there is no way I can know exactly how you feel, and I hope you don't think me expressing examples of similar experiences I have had/am having in anyway is me trying to not validate how you feel. My aim is to connect with you, in an effort to help you feel slightly less isolated and alone.

I also lost contact with friends and family because they did not seem to understand how i felt, or got extremely distressed after hearing how I felt daily which made me feel even worse/more guilty. I've actually stopped discussing my issues with my partner because it caused him severe distress (much like your sister) and I also felt I was becoming a burden and ruining his life (as well as mine). Also, I have two cats with whom I feel exactly the same (they love me for who I really am, and they're the only one's who see the real me).

I hope you don't mind my questions. So from my understanding, your new role has triggered your severe depression? Can I ask what the specific's are that have triggered you? is it the increased stress/expectations? the fear of failing? or you feeling as if you aren't performing well?

You seem extremely perceptive in interpreting that your self-worth is tied to your career. Have you always hated this specific line of work, or just this new specific role? as in, if you could go back to your previous position do you feel as if your depression would levitate somewhat?

Have you seen a therapist or psychologist in the past by any chance?

Looking forward to your reply.

- IronKitty

ricky84 · ‎27-03-2017

Thanks for your reply and again I apologies if it wasn't the correct place to post it. Yes, I don't necessarily think that my new role is solely responsible for the depression I feel. Due to genetics (there have sadly being people lost to suicide as well as others members of the family diagnosed with depression) and other experiences I believe that the pressure and stress of my new role more of acted as a trigger. I work for quite a large organisation. My current role is within the IT field and previously the person in this position's sole responsibility was to co-ordinate with external agencies to get issues sorted and initially that was my role. Progressively however the external support from these agencies has disappeared and the broadness of the job is just too big and I have no support. Also with changes of management in the organisation my original role has gotten lost with the new managers. I feel as though I can't cope with the expectations. My previous position in the same organisation was to look after the IT as well as various other tasks (customer service, research, teaching etc.) for one particular area that I know very well due to working within it for 10 years. Also my previous role allowed me to help a large portion of the community which I believe helped me with the way I felt about myself. Due to the broadness of the role I feel I can't perform well across all areas. Another thing I struggle with is dealing with important people as I feel I am not adequate enough to be around them or not smart or worthy enough I guess. I also fear due to the pressure I have felt from family that if I fail here I'm worthless. Then there's the fear of losing this job then I lose my house and home and everything I have worked so hard to get. I often look at my house or my cat and feel and overwhelming sense of sadness that I may not have them much longer. I haven't always hated this line of work but due the broadness of the work and unpredictability of it I've grown to hate it. Unfortunately the position turned out to be vastly different than I was told before being encouraged to apply. Yes, I believe if I could go back to my previous position the feelings I have would levitate. I've come to terms over the course of my life that there will be times I will struggle with things but this is unbearable. No have not seen a therapist or psychologist, it's something I would like to have the courage to do. Again, thanks for taking the time to reply.

geoff · ‎28-03-2017

hi Ricky, when you look at yourself in the mirror, you can see straight through yourself, you don't know who you are looking at, it's a person that can never answer the many questions, and because this happens you can't see yourself, but with it comes hurt, disillusionment, despondency, rejection and the list could go on and on, and unable to even to say what colour your eyes are.
So do you want to relate to this person/figure you see in the mirror, or is it more important that someone else can actually see you and talk with you, or is it both, probably both, but it won't be able to happen unless you see a psychologist, in other words you won't know who you are looking at until you can identify the person in the mirror. Geoff.

ricky84 · ‎28-03-2017

Hi Geoff. Yes, it's probably both. I think you are right about seeing somebody about this and it's currently something I'm trying to get the courage to do. Thanks so much for your reply. Posting on here was very difficult and the replies I have received have helped.