Antisocial Personality Disorder.

[CompulsiveLiar]

I'm writing this because I dont want to be like this anymore, and I want to be as well as I can possibly be.

My username is CompulsiveLiar. Thats who I have been. I spent most of my life telling lies to survive. I imagine some people reading this will question whether or not I am actually telling the truth. Thats what sucks about telling people that I am recovering compulsive liar, people dont believe liars. And rightfully so. But I believe that a liar can learn to not tell lies. Its a tough habit to break, but it is possible.

Like many I had a brutal childhood, as a young boy. I had a very cruel mother. But I do forgive her. She was sick too. Shes a lot better now. I will never ever live with her again. But, shes happy in her pocket of the universe, and me in mine. I love her dearly. She did her best. Took me a long time to admit that, mum was in a lot of emotional pain. I didnt get that then. Still dont fully understand emotions. This disorders inhibits me from feeling like most people feel.

And, like most people with ASPD, I also suffered with a Conduct Disorder, as a child. Ive never been to prison. Though I do have criminal convictions.

Im writing because this is all part of a therapeutic process for me. Its important for me to start telling the truth as much as I can to generate new habits, to tell the truth. Im using this forum because its a safe way for me to be honest, without the anxiety of being judged or criticised for having this disorder. Ive had a look around and I dont see many posts about this disorder though, and Im not surprised. Most people with ASPD dont come forward to get help, unless its due to a court order.

Im not expecting much, and Im not looking for sympathy or anything like that. Ive hurt alot of people along the way, and I dont want to do that anymore. So much so, that it hurts, and the weird thing is that its good that it hurts, because Im feeling remorse!. They say people like me dont feel that but I swear thats what Im feeling.

Im so sorry to everyone in this world that I have ever hurt. Im so very sorry. I wish that I wasnt born this way but I have to make the most of the hand that I have been dealt. I read a post on here, about limiting beliefs and taking responsibility, and thats where I am at. I so desperately want to step up and be the man that I know that I can be.

Coming clean like this is a big deal for me. And I feel good being able to share this, without guilt, shame and fear.

Thank you all very much!.

[SourceShield]

Brother CL,

Just thought I'd write that I see you there mate!

Ive got work today, so I will get back to your questions.

They deserve more respect.

---

But quickly -

Yes - That was true about sucrose-sugar.

Diabetes is a biggie.

We can defs chat about that!

---

And -

Im glad that we're having the sexual-health chat.

I sensed that youd picked up on that for a reason.

I'll will get back to you about that too...

But ask away...

---

Also, re: poetry corner.

Remember this aint a competition.

Life, is your to live now...always was, we just forgot.

But, we have remembered now.

Take all the time you need, but also dont dilly-dally about either.

Its important that when we make our mind up to do something, that we follow through.

You get that, right?

But, if you ever muck up, and slip, tell me, its all good.

I also have a Masters Degree in "Slipping, Stumbling, and Falling Over". - Im the clumsiest.

Many people with HFA can be.

Its our coordination...abit wonky.

Oddly enough, dance - learning to dance is good for this!

And, yep - I love watching docos.

I watched Planet Earth with David Attenborough, the other week.

Awesome stuff.

What are you into?

---

Good to see you here, Brother Matt!

MuchLove guys.

Have a great day.

Kaitoa

[CompulsiveLiar]

Thank you SS. I know youre busy. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

[SourceShield]

Hi CL,

Thanks.

This weekend, and in fact for the rest of the year...Im pretty busy with work, and moving.

I wont be on BB as much as I have been, but I will check in with you daily.

BTW - thanks for sticking up for me on OTT, but there was no need.

Its all good.

Do you have brothers CL?

I have 3 - Im the eldest.

When it comes to brothers, our 'job' is to tease each other.

Trust me, I can give as good as I can get!.

Even better in fact!

I will get back to you re: sugar, and sexual health because theyre important to you, okay?.

...Im still waiting for you to write to me in the poetry corner...

Its all g.

You're accepted just as you are CL.

Im here for you.

MuchLove

Kaitoa

[CompulsiveLiar]

Hey Wolf,

Im not close to my brothers at all. Theyre much younger than me. I had already left home. So we are not close. I dont know how to start a conversation most of the time. Im not good with words like you are. I can learn. Im not a quick learner like Matt. I appreciate you taking the time to check in with me Kaitoa. Im gonna write in the poetry section. I feel a block whenever I start. I dont know what to say. How do you start?

Panther

[girl_interrupted]

I think its really brave of you to speak out about it here. So well done. I'm sorry you had to go thru such a difficult childhood. I can't imagine what that must have been like. I feel so spoilt and priveledged to have grown up in a safe and loving home. But like all families, it's not always that rosy behind closed doors. I can relate to your paranoia - something I'm very familiar with and try to deal with every day in most situations. Makes it tough especially with work situations and every day stuff like buying groceries etc. SS, six, and everyone else here is a wonderful source of information, support and wisdom. If you have trouble starting a poem, maybe Google some of your favorites, or just surf around for things that inspire you or that you're drawn to. Write down words that pop in your head or just how you're feeling, to get you started. Music is also a great source of inspiration. Have fun with it. Thank you again for sharing your story. Keep posting.

[CompulsiveLiar]

Thank you. Im not great with conversations. Never know what else to say. Im working on it everyday. I appreciate what you said.

Panther

[girl_interrupted]

You're most welcome. I can 100% relate to not being good with conversations. I'm really awkward and also am lost for words most of the time. Very frustrating. But as you say, it's a work in progress and I guess we can only get better over time. Every day is a new beginning:)

[CompulsiveLiar]

I agree with you. Youre a very kind person.

Panther

[SourceShield]

Hey PantherMan!

How you goin?

All g?

PeaceBro.

Kaitoa

[CompulsiveLiar]

I'm okay thanks Wolf. You?

Panther