Feeling hopeless about life (C-PTSD/MDD/GAD)

[hawaiian_robot]

Hey everyone, just looking for some perspective, and a place to vent a little bit. Hoping I don't ramble too much, want to give a decent amount of detail.

Been studying off and on for a few years now, and looking to finish up my uni degree fairly soon. I do have regular setbacks though, and it makes me real anxious when I sit down to do what I have to finish, so it's taken a bit longer than the average student. Recently talked with my psychologist about what I thought may have been Borderline PD, but she suggested it might be complex-PTSD instead, that's its own story. Also comes packaged with major depression, and anxiety. So, it can be difficult to do things that some people find easy.

I have a partner, who has had depression in the past, but she's mostly good now and works as an intern doctor right now. It can be frustrating and upsetting for me when she says things like "I just wish you could get a job" when I've got study to finish, and at best would be working part-time. We've had issues about money and paying equal share in things, but I don't come anywhere near to her level of income, and probably won't, ever. Still, I do stress about finances and being independent, but it's just not the reality of the situation for now.

I have been applying for tons of jobs, but never get a callback on anything. This makes me feel pretty awful, and makes me think I'm a waste of space and will just be broke and miserable forever. It's also making me feel bad, because my partner is moving interstate soon, and I won't be able to go with her straight away, and am not sure when I'll have enough money to move interstate as well.

I try to do mindfulness exercises and try to think more objectively, but I really struggle a lot lately, which affects my progress at uni, and not getting anywhere applying for jobs makes me think I'll be unemployable forever due to being 32 and having not held down a proper job in that time. I don't even hear back about cleaning jobs, even though I'd hate that and it'd make me miserable, having to do that kind of job even after getting educated. I had a look into doing Uber driving out of desperation, and yeah I don't want to go through all that really, seems like a lot of outlay and risk for me with very little benefit, and would make me feel worse. I just feel like I want to disappear and not have to deal with any of this. I'm not going anywhere positive in my life.

[white knight]

Hi welcome

This is a tough but good question.

On one side a person is responsible for financially supporting themselves and should, in a basic sense, not rely on others to support them. Being 32 years old is a contributing factor. By now you should have found some employment income. This fact is the core of your problem I think.

On the other hand a relationship of a defacto nature won't ever be equal in some ways. Imbalance of income is OK if couples have concrete lifestyle plans. Eg the person with low income is willing to be the stay at home parent etc. Or that person contributes in other ways.

If this doesn't happen then the major income earner can feel they are working to support the other and for no apparent future goal. They will feel used.

I mean, how long will this situation go on for?. I'm sorry but at 32yo you should have all studies/higher education well over and income stable. If not then some agreed common goals set in concrete with your partner so she is more comfortable.

Delays over your previous years in getting an employment record and regular part time income has found you in this situation. OK, now that you are there what can you do?

Your partner, from how I read your post, is wanting you to stand up and make effort. I don't think there is an unreasonable expectation of you earning as much income.

You will spiral down further if you don't acknowledge and accept that you own your own issues and only you can "save" yourself from this.

A few suggestions

Tell her you understand your partners frustration

Inform her about your never ending drive to get work. Ask her if she can assist you with this.

Discuss your low self esteem and its negative effects when reminded about your inability to provide for yourself.

Realise that there is a probability your partner and you might not continue and this is reality. You'll need resilience and medical support

Be prepared to care for yourself.

Learn from mistakes but don't dwell or worry...that won't help at all.

Google

Topic: confidence, how do you get it?- beyondblue

Topic: being positive, what's the secret?

Post anytime.

Tony WK