Lost my direction....

[Holly_Girl]

I've been seeing my psychologist now for 8 weeks. I was referred to him after walking into my GP's office and finally asking for help. I was diagnosed with depression. All I know is that I was in the darkest rut of my life.

My weekly sessions with my psychologist have been pivotal for me in navigating my way out of the rut. Trying to find my direction.

I understand finding our own way is a process. The biggest issue for me is that I totally burnt myself out in my career. My job occupied my days & nights, and pretty soon I didn't have much of a life outside of work. I allowed my role to define me. Once the company closed I was completely burnt, lost & unemployed. I had no idea what direction to head in or what I even wanted to do with myself. Returning to a similar role now fills me with a sense of claustrophobia & dread.

So here I am for the first time in 20 years in the midst of a career break.

Through working with my psychologist, I've finally reached a point where I've given myself permission to take this time to restore & re-evaluate (it wasn't easy, let me tell you). He assures me that I will regain my mojo and find my direction. My vision. That once I do I'll be off & running again. But for now focus on restoring as I run the risk of reentering the workforce to early.

I've also now found I'm a bit of a misfit to those around me. Taking a career break is frowned upon in my circle. It makes others uncomfortable. People don't seem to understand the concept of restoring. Not when everyone is so busy. It's hard to explain that I'm restoring. That I'm learning how to take care of myself. That I'm trying to put in place healthier long term habits. That I'm walking my dog each day, attending fitness classes a couple of times a week, cooking, gardening, reading, watching movies & catching up with friends. That I'm trying to discover what I actually like doing. As all I seem to know is how to push myself in my career.

But the hardest thing is trusting that I will recover. That I will once again find my direction.

So I'm taking it one day at a time. Some days are better than others. On those not so good days I can't seem to make sense of how I got here. When last year I seemed to be at the prime of my career. But then I have to remind myself that I've been pushing for a long time now. Something had to give. At some point I needed to re-evaluate. I just didn't expect to feel so lost in the process.

HG.

[BballJ]

Hi Hollygirl,

Firstly, well done for posting your story, i know it may not have been easy.

One thing I have learnt about depression is the road to recovery is a journey, a big one and one that when taken is full of ups and down. I'm glad you have found a psychologist the helps you and understands you that always helps. Depression also isn't understood by many people which is why they are trying so hard to make it known everywhere we go. Have you told anyone in your support network at all to help you with all of this, I understand many people don't understand this but keep on your journey, you seem to be doing so well.

Are you enjoying all these activities you are doing (Fitness classes, walking the dog etc) Do you find peace in them?

My best for you,

Jay

[Quiettall]

Hello HG

This is a critical point in your life where it can be a valuable learning experience. We too often define ourselves by our career or job role. Having retired some years ago from a high powered executive role, I still find I get wobbly about my role and direction in life, even though I have developed lots of interests, including gardening, overseas aid work, voluntary efforts,m Board work etc.

When I get wobbly, I find it useful to remember to treat "the child within". In other words, do small things to reward myself for the hard work I have done for years...do some enjoyable and simple things....live life more simply. Today, instead of stressing about Christmas and what to get and what not to get, I took the opportunity to send some money to a close friend in Vietnam who I met when I worked there on a voluntary basis earlier this year. The money was enough for the family there to install a hot water heater and basic toilet in their house, to give them some of the comforts we take for granted. It felt fantastic to do it. I also sent a parcel of 3 bottles of body lotion to another friend there who suffers from dry skin but does not have the money to buy herself treatment, because of limited income and she is supporting her mother, a 5 year old son, and a husband who recently had a serious motorbike accident. These actions take my mind off myself and refocus on what's important out there.

I am dreading next year and the old "New Years resolution" pressures.....I dont have work, do some voluntary work and want more to do...but nature has the ability to find and introduce me to new ideas and activities.

Take time out...dont let others' judgements rule your thinking. Enjoy the break and the change.

Keep posting as there are good people here to support you