An Autistic Complex & Chronic 50+ Case Dealing with Vulnerability

[Ponder]

SHEDDING THE LABELS AND DELUSION: 

School & employment are long gone for me and not something I ever really fitted into. In fact, every aspect of society and all it's competitive ideals have only ever disabled & rejected my family & I.  [systemic]  A prison within in a prison. That said, I give no acknowledgment to the charges or authority yet find myself bound by the many who give tribute to said controls.  It is on this level that much exploitation & suffering feeds back into that convey belt system driven by an economic standard that saps the soul.

Be thankful?  Know they place?  Yet more controls?  Or just one's reality that can never be fathomed by those who've never navagatid your depth of pain.  Yes, definitely the latter.  So it is, that advice rarely leads one to water unless discovered for self.  Lest all else just revert to instructions, to repeaters, the above atriuters, leading to a dependency on behaviour modification algorithms based on the previously mentioned economic standard; that saps the soul.

From point A to point B living in a complex system that designs complex labels for simple beings who see such things. Yet I am not my labels despite being treated as a disease.  Vulnerable; YES. 

LIVING WITH VULNERABILITY: 

Isolation & exploitation constantly feeling and attracting negative states and traumatic incidents; involving self and others.  Becoming a soft target on all levels, all phases and within all aspects of said prison/existence/living.

Automated responses from multiple mental health diagnosis/s & or prescription/s less of an issue when contrasted to societal conditioning driven by fear based ideology with said soul sapping economic narratives that dictate the tellings, repeaters and advisers. 

Once the cosmetic gloss losses it's appeal, you grow older, become less valuable, less desirable.  You become more of a target for those who see all of the above, disgruntled in their failings to achieve what the behavioural mods instruct. 

[Ponder]

Good read rx,

Pretty stressfull day on my end.  Thanks for hanging. I'll try and stick around a bit longer 😉.  I undertand how people come and go. 

Best I reply fully in the morning. Zzzz

Glad you are here.  I like the way talk. 

[therising]

Hi Ponder

A greater struggle definitely occurs for kids as they age and not just for those who are on the spectrum. In primary school, learning is at it's basics. Math is in it's simplest form. English is pretty much the same, as with most other subjects. In secondary school things change. It can become a matter of 'Let me teach you forms of math that come from the most brilliant minds in history. I will try and teach you what came from the mind of a genius and expect you to grasp what's regarded as 'a basic level of genius'. A lot of people can't grasp that. Again 'Let me teach you forms of English, a language which is complex and over complicated in a number of ways...'. Btw, in primary school a lot is taught through the imagination, at a pace that is less stressful. Secondary school seems to be more about cramming in as much info as possible within a 6 year period. It becomes about keeping up with the pace. For some kids on the spectrum, their position on the spectrum will only start to show when complexity and pace are increased.

What you say makes sense, regarding the spectrum and ADHD. While imagining pigeon holes, there is not yet one that covers the overlapping factors. Perhaps it's more about knocking a few walls out of a group of pigeon holes and we'll call it 'open plan living' (living with a plan that's more open, rather than working with a plan that's confined to one single nature).

My most recent revelation involves 'altered states of consciousness'. When once I believed this was exclusive to the realm of psychedelics, alcohol and other drugs, now I've come to see it as something far more fascinating. I will invite someone to alter my state of consciousness or awareness, in order for my mind to open more, to be able to see from a number of different perspectives. So, I could say 'Alter my state of consciousness so that I am more conscious of what's depressing. I'll come to know what's depressing only when I can better see and feel what's depressing'. Remaining happily oblivious to what's depressing serves no one. Coming back out of that state, into another of choice, becomes the most challenging part. Of course, certain circumstances we face don't always allow for such free choice.

Always feel free to show me how you see life, so that I can see it and feel it to the best of my ability.

[Ponder]

Good morning guys.  Just reading you both now fully.  I reply more rising when I get back from today’s appointment.

Yea, observing is best when keeping the processing light which is why I like to write in the mornings. I guess I prefer like so, to adopt an altered state that allows for the best observations.  That said I do struggle with a few traits not best suited to an impulsive world.  Turning off my phone seems to help.  That said I do have this feature that automatically switches me off when the processing becomes too much.  Some call it a senior moment, staring into space or whatever.  I enjoy those moments very much.

Unless one of us gets hit by a bus tomorrow I think we’ll all see images on a screen telling us man has landed on the moon quite sooner than later.  Like I no longer believe what comes to me via a screen but am still amused by watching how others invest and the way in which people are swayed to varying degrees.  The impact of the next claimed landing will impact me only when I see the writing in the ‘sand’ with an affordable telescope via an online purchase.  Then I’ll allow for such a claim to be part of my own experience.  In the mean time I watch it all on YT like I watch Neflix. 

That said, it’s still fascinating.  I just gauge the reality of any claim by actually events that impact me.  I think Musk kind of knows he needs to put the writing in the sand and will thus create and emplace something that can be seen with an actual telescope.  All in good time.  To be honest given all the hysterical claims often made on YT that conflicts the actual science [another institution like religion] hired to say whatever the highest bidder] this once atroboy is quickly losing interest.  Just a case that Netflix has nothing better to watch.  The hero’s journey has played itself out and only good for minds with a clean slate. 0101010101 If your round in 2030 I suspect claims will be made of at least supplies and a habitat being landed.  I’m barracking for China because I don’t give credit to all the warmongering those now dominating the world wish to manifest.  I’m also again very amused how easily people lap that stuff up.  Exploration … now that is a different thing and not something I am seeing encompassed in this latest space ‘race.’  Best to stick with Star Trek and not the latest version of it. 😛

Damn … I got a Reiki session to attend.  When I get back I try again. 

[Ponder]

100% rising it affects everyone. Not to digress but I’m struggling very much right now with limiting aspects of this pace in which I write that are reminiscent to the ails of which you speak.  I’m not able to write as freely as you have invited me as everything I go to share is under scrutiny.  I believe the term rx used in relation to this, was ‘restrained’ which has now become an issue for me that’s actually impacting me more than my proposed traits.  If my posts suddenly stop, it will most certainly be related to such restrictive practices.  I’m aiming to find another space where this is less of an issue. I no longer feel welcome here.  I find that sad given the connection originally made and I guess this is but one part in the parcel in how people come and go. 

I think I will leave that be, before continuing … because If I can’t feel free to write then I cannot really share with you how I see life.  By the way your invitation to do so is very refreshing but a bit of an irony given the format in which I am being scrutinized.  This being how I am currently feeling and seeing. 

[Ponder]

Well that is encouraging. TY.  I'm going to take the eBike for a spin and sit by the ocean for a while.  It can take me days to wind down but quicker when sitting by the ocean breeze.  I resonate very much with what both you guys are saying.  I really hope you can go off grid rx.  That was also a dream my wife and I had but since having to take full time responsibility for our grandson and my wife's deteriorating illness, we kind of need to be in town closer to varioius services which both of them find very helpful.  I on the other hand still yearn for my old rotary hoe tiller where I used to grow a LOT of veggies.  

thanks again rising for that invite to share like so... I'll think more about that whilst sitting by the bay 🙂

In the meantime I wish you and yours all the best as well as invite you guys to do the same.  

[therising]

Hi Ponder

Censorship is definitely a challenge. I think the more we evolve the more challenging it can become in some cases.

While once a people pleaser to the degree of being self destructive, my intolerant sense of self fully came to life only within the past couple of years. She's a feisty one and can have somewhat of a potty mouth when seriously triggered to absolute fury. Rarely has this aspect of me come out to such an extreme degree I should add. Only a few times in my 52 years. Luckily the sage in me has partially come to life as well. While my intolerant sense of self, at it's worst, does not have a care in the world when it comes to burning bridges (wanting to take a flamethrower to them at times), the sage in me is the aspect that dictates common sense. May sound a little like 'Under no circumstances will you say that. Do not say it out loud. You will seriously come to regret it'. I smile when I say sometimes it feels like my intolerant aspect is screaming in my head like a banshee, while being restrained by the sage. It's funny in a way, observing our self in 2 minds at times. What states of mind they are becomes the question. Perhaps our intolerant aspect vs the sage in us. The skeptic in us who has come to life through experience with deception vs the childlike wonderer in us who may try and convince us at times 'But it can't hurt to at least wonder. What harm can it do?'. Sometimes there are the 2 minds that reflect the old 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other', which can leave us feeling stuck going back and forth between both heaven and hell on earth. At times we may sense the observer in us, analysing everything (trying to make sense of it all) while battling it out with the feeler in us that feels everything we're trying so hard to analyse objectively.

There are so many facets to us, all born from our experiences. Some are carefree and happy to censor or edit, others are far from happy to do so. While some aspects have finally found their voice (such as the survivor in us, who serves the victim so devotedly with great courage), they may no longer tolerate silence or censorship of any kind. And that is perfectly understandable.

[Ponder]

Hi therising,

To quote your ending if I may,
“While some aspects have finally found their voice (such as the survivor in us, who serves the victim so devotedly with great courage), they may no longer tolerate silence or censorship of any kind. And that is perfectly understandable.”

The response that comes to my mind when reading this… It’s both reasonable & necessary.   

I have had similar background with dealing with my speech and expression in having gone through all that process that where despite becoming more expert in conveying issues of corruption, one’s words are still met with bias.

That is to say that regardless of all one’s work, that even sages are restricted in such an age.  More so in said circles.

Both you and rx have had a positive influence on me and I know that I have been reading you guys in full.  Right now I am testing the boundaries because I no longer feel safe. 

Again I have read you guys in full and feel a connection.  However, until my truth is respected by those entrusted to be helping me, I am unable to make connections.  I have a therapist turning up today because of recent events that have ‘impacted me’ and we will also be discussing my desire to give up NDIS because of how that and the nature of what I have been trying to submit … is making my mental health regress.
 

I apologize if I am no longer making sense but will only continue if I feel safe to do so.  This is not about being a victim as much as it is about not allowing myself to be made into one.  NDIS and serveries under its grip of administration is unfortunately systemic and pretty much what it is doing within the disability demographic of Mental Illness.  

Thank you for you guys being willing to share with me.  Again – know you guys have been a positive influence.

Thank you.    

[Guest_1584]

Hi ponder and rising.

Funny Ponder , scanned your original post again and some latest, sorry if l'd gotten sidetracked in replies. l'm a little like yourself in that l might see or read something l feel for and bigger pictures flood in on all directions in micro seconds way ahead of what they're saying or whatever is happening. So as l say l'm dyslexic too so combined, restraints and rules you talk about never have worked well with me in any direction either and it's taken all my life to date in finding ways and switches in dealing with the world- badly enough as it was but in what it's become now, holy hell.

Like you l have to protect myself and mind from taking off, l hate that taking off thing or it can be like one of those rockets mentally. Do you think Elon's insane, l mean who else could cope with the massive things he has all going on at once ha, everyday life, phones, authorities with their tabs on us in every direction, or even the mail box is scary enough l find these days.

l felt you at the beach have done so many times myself. We have a beautifully wild one in particular here cliffs and when it blows like crazy it's enough to blast all of the rubbish outa there, gorgeous when you've had overload. 

But it also had the lake and mouth and the serenity especially on a calm sunny day enough to sooth any soul , great spot.

My d and l go rock scrambling there too and this complicated silly world just gets all whittled away to what rock or piece to grab next so that you don't fall into the drink or break something and it's all back to the beauty of simplicity and nature.

[Guest_1584]

l was an artist, painter a long time, my dream growing up and when time was right l'd begin. Now people say why did you stop and try to talk me into going back. The trouble was in art you became even more stuck in mind and a bizarro world. Took me 8yrs to learn how to switch off just paint and then like a worker at the end of the day, log off and enjoy life, like going down the pub so to speak.l didn't wanna end up like many of the greats or sadly Vincent or become the artists reputation it's so entangled mentally 5yrs after the 8 l quit. Funny l thought it'd be such a dream life, work, world, but l envied the everyday with free minds happy relationships. l went back to just self employed from home and simplified back into the real world.

Since l've specialized in living as simplistically as poss, bc l like it haha and my work now is physical, reasonably simplistic, not too stressful and no off switch needed lt's just like the worker down the pub at the end of his day.

Me l've been much happier dumbing right down in life, mentally, living and convos, all of it, turning my back on the heavy non necessities.

But isn't it just so damn insane that life and the world has become what it has since and doubling daily so it's like l'm back when l started in art now just trying to live. But the wiser in the world are realizing in all these studies ha ha ha , bloody studies and some finally twigging back to the importance of nature more so than ever now.

l've had this phone 5yrs and l'm still trying to switch rubbish off, good place to start l want my next one dumber than a landline. Bought my partner a new phone we sent it back. It had eye pw's face pw's and pins and programing rubbish beyond belief before you could even use it. She says sorry lovey can't deal with this ha, me either.

ln you needing freedom to write,an idea. Me l write songs and poetry and it all goes there now but a blog might work for you . ldk how they work but l had my own art website, just my little corner and world, loved that website one thing l miss about art. l'd write rant and talk about thoughts art and life and people could like it or lump it. Maybe a blog or website would work for you.

All the best

rx

[Guest_1584]

lt's funny isn't it Ponder, the things in life, you miss your old rotary hoe and the beauty of that simplistic labor , l know it, exactly.

More than ever in the world and life now, they're a gift like nature.

l think about isolation to bc l suppose l'll retire later, prob 5-10yrs and unfortunately the price of property in this country now even a simple little bush block might have to be out woop woop that just 3 yrs ago were cheap as chips on the edge of decent and nice regional towns. Areas l browsed only 2-3yrs ago have doubled even tripled since. Things could've still been handy and 10mins away but that same price now will be hrs away soooo, we see. l like the edge but these days too things expand so fast the edge is safer a few more edges out right.

l've got a tiny cabin on 1/2 ac rented out now but that's completely off any grids doesn't even have a septic - we won't talk about permits. Built the cabin and solar myself and treed the block out it's on the edge on a small town but all private now- it was bear sheep paddock. Was gonna be an investment back in the day l worried about all that rubbish haha, ex w and l were gonna put on a house to rent out or sell off could still do but don't have the mental energy for the bs now. Well unfortunately we split up a few yrs later and later on l went over and lived in the cabin 19mths. like your rotary still miss that time got another house now later but l miss the cabin. Only had a 200watt solar built myself enough to watch a few movies at night and a decent stereo , charge computers phones tools through the day and the basics but funny, loved it. Sometimes l'd be out of power by 8 so l'd sit in front of the pot belly my brother and l also made and watch flames until l was tired 5 or 6hrs away but time just flew.

l even thought of staying, adding some comforts a bit to the cabin it's only tiny with a loft bed ha found a house l could afford but still miss the cabin and all the crap that comes with owning a house again l often wonder wth.

Some of the nicest living l've ever had that 19mths.

Sometimes l think l'm dumping the lot kicking the tenant out and going back.

rx