Am I a bad person? Why can't I be perfect for my son?

[Fusion2k4]

Hi all,

Today I had an incident that triggered my depression very deeply.

I went for a walk it my dog, put him in the back. I stopped at the shops to get a coffee. I parked my car in 100% shade cover. It was 820am in the morning before it had gotten hot. I forgot to wind the windows.

I was 7-8 minutes max in the shop. I came out to two people with my car door open. They immediately started blasting me saying I was an idiot and a terrible person saying the windows should be down.

Yes, it would have been marginally better if the windows were down, but I thought given the time of day, duration and time of day, it was acceptable.

I tried to speak with them normally to explain it. They said i was 20-30 minutes which is just not true. I do appreciate people looking after animals. The lady said "you deserve to be spoken to disgustingly".

It triggered my depression because

- I love animals and walk them all the time, have volunteered for several charities, I would never jeopardise their health 

- I wish I could just be perfect and have made perfect judgement

- Turned the tables, I would just talk to the person, so being outright yelled out and called names i felt was disrespectful

- Being 35, i feel i should have gotten to a point in my life where mistakes are minimised, and i can just live happily

- I hate that this happened in my local neighbourhood

But yeah, 12 months ago I was suicidal and in hospital. This strongly re-triggered my emotions and I cannot move past.

Why am I always bad, my son deserves better.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Fusion2k4,

 I do not think you are a bad person. Other people can be very rapid to judge a situation they don’t fully understand and a person they don’t even know. While it would have been good to have your windows down for your dog, it was a momentary lapse that is easy to do. Every single one of us has lapses, makes mistakes etc, and I’m quite sure the very people having a go at you have done so in their lives.

When people react it is often from their fight-or-flight response, and these people had obviously gone into fight mode. Just knowing that is their nervous system reactivity can help, as people often lose their rationality in these states. The person saying you deserve to be spoken to disgustingly is actually being abusive, immature and unhelpful. As you say, they could have still expressed their concerns but in a rational way, but sometimes people just react from anger without trying to understand a situation better.

 I think you will find that although this incident really hurts right now it will fade in time and stop affecting you. Recently I’d had several days of severe suicidality and had just become well enough to go into town. A woman known to me spoke very rudely and judgementally, making comments that were very triggering for me, and I immediately went into attacking myself and plunged back into suicidality. I could rationally see her behaviour was about her, not me, but I still felt enormous distress. I rang and spoke the the Suicide Callback Service who were extremely helpful in helping me to ground myself and recognise the irrationality of the other person’s behaviour. So I can recommend them if you feel you just need someone to talk to, to feel a bit more grounded again and put things in perspective.

You are definitely not “always bad”, and this will likely be a perspective you’ve internalised about yourself that gets re-activated by certain triggers. I have such parts in myself and I’m gradually learning to self-nurture those parts, a bit like having a healthy internal parent who steps in and supports, reassures and encourages the parts of me that can be self-doubting and self-critical.

You are clearly a sensitive and caring person and not someone who would ever mean to cause harm to other living beings. So I think you can encourage yourself to feel good about those qualities and reject accusations from others that do not fit. You can be proud of who you are.

Please know this incident will fade in time, take care and remember to reach out for support if you need it.

Best wishes,

Eagle Ray

[sunnyl20]

Hey,

I'm really sorry to hear that this happened and that is has triggered something in you. From what you've described, the way that those two people treated you and spoke to you is completely disrespectful and uncalled for. We're all human, mistakes happen and we have lapses of judgment, it doesn't warrant someone scolding you in such a horrible way. I'm really sorry that they were not understanding. As you mentioned, if the tables were turned, the way to approach someone about it is to talk, not yell. Very few people, if any, are receptive to being yelled at, it just feels awful. I understand that it is easier said than done, but please try not to let these people get the better of you. By all accounts you sound like a very caring and thoughtful person, and you obviously love and care for your dog. 

Please don't let guilt eat away at you for something that you did not do intentionally. You are not a bad person at all. Try not to fixate on what has happened, as hard as that may be, try to focus on what is important to you now and going forward. 

I would really encourage you to try to be kind to yourself. Give yourself the space and time that you need to focus on picking yourself back up, whatever that looks like for you. Please do not hesitate to talk more if and when you feel up to it. Take care.