Alone

[Chicken_little]

I’ve had depression for a long time and it’s comes in waves.

With everything happening in the world and some things in my life personally, I’m finding myself back in “that place”.
I’m surrounded by people, but I feel alone. Like a burden who nobody understands.
I have a partner, but I can tell I wear on him. He’s also not emotional in the same way as I am, so doesn’t offer hugs or kind words as a natural response.
i “know” lots of people, but there isn’t really anyone I feel close to in a way that I would confide in them.
I guess the thing that eats at me the most is that my mum lives in the uk. She has always been my best friend, she understands me, she knows what to say, she gives the best hugs and she is so far away. She is also terminally ill.
Shes been fighting for a few years, there is no sign I’m going to lose her imminently, but the longer she is ill, the more losing her weighs on me.
I’m also conscious that some of the things I cry about or fear are so minuscule in comparison to what she has to deal with.

Who do I turn to of not my best friend? How do I cope with losing her? How do I cope with this preemptive grief?

[smallwolf]

Hi.

it's tricky when you cannot speak with the one person you feel can make you feel better. And it sounds like you are both like best friends. She sounds like a person that does not give up either - you mentioned she was a fighter. And here courage has rubbed off onto you in posting here. Though I guess it is made harder by the distance and time zones.

But the person right next to you, you feel is not feeling it the same way. And if it hard to communicate with those closest to you it must be tough and frustrating.

In relation to your partner what sort of response are you hoping for?

(even though I have difficulties talking with my wife about MI issues and me, my psychologist has given me a few tips I can share if you are interested)

How often do you speak with your mother?

I have often felt the people around me are not close to me. At the same time I know that not everyone is able to share their deeper thoughts. I took the harder way by chatting with different people on what i was going through and then gauging their reaction. Maybe not the best way! At least I was able to find a couple of people who were genuinely concerned and told me their stories in the process. It is hard to take that leap of faith and confide in someone not know what they might say. And yet you have the same in posting here.

Writing my help you with your questions - whether a journal or writing here.

Not that it matters too much, but you refer to "anticipatory grief". If you google that term you will find more information and ideas what to do. Please know grief can occur (long?) before a death and that is normal for you. If you cannot talk to perhaps your partner then seeking professional help is also OK.

Tim