Alone and confused

[CandieX]

Hi there.

I just need someone to talk to. I have no friends and I can't open up to my boyfriend. I'm currently in a relationship with a man 25 years older than me who has a cocaine addiction. I do love him but it is really hard. He is very selfish and does not show me any love and affection but I rely on him financially as I have no where else to stay at the moment. I recently found out I was pregnant to his baby and he does not want it and I am getting a termination tomorrow. I am a very emotional person so it is hard for me to hold in all of this and when I have outbursts and cry he tells me he can't deal with me anymore.

I just want to be loved and cared for like I care for him. He can be verbally abusive sometimes and he said I'm annoying and I whine a lot and I have no self confidence.

I don't want to leave him I just need help on how to deal with a man like him.

[White_Rose]

Hello Candiex

Welcome to the forum. The first and most important question I want to ask is, do you want to terminate your baby? If not then do not go ahead with it. You will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of regret. I understand about the finances but he should not force you to have an abortion to suit his convenience.

Secondly you will never manage a man like him, drug addict, selfish, incapable of love, an abusive man. He will not change. Much as it hurts I think you believe you love him because he can shelter you. My guess is he does not care about you, or anyone, particularly.

I do not know where you live so can only give you state help organisations. If you live in Qld, NSW, Vic , ACT will you phone 1300 792 798. If you live in WA, SA, Tas, NT please phone 1300 655 156. This is the Pregnancy Help Australia. I think they be able to help to move from this person's home and stay safe. Please phone one of these numbers.

Get back to us as often as you can.

Mary

[Pysis]

Hi candie

welcome. im sorry for your situation it must be hard. I'm sure you do love your partner but by the sounds of it he can be very abusive, I'm not sure how you can deal with a man like him. Cocaine makes people do things and can permanently damadged people's brains and I'm not sure you will be able to help this man as much as you might want to. I understand you probably might feel a bit trapped becuase he has taken you in and given you shelter but if he is continually putting your emotions second and being cold to wards you it distroys your self confidence. Abusive men tend to show people lots of love when they first meet them and make them feel like they will always have someone to care about them but eventually they show thier true colours and slowly start to distroy them emotionally.

I don't know your partner but if he is capable of change its not going to happen quickly and he has to be willing to change its nit something that you can make him want to do he needs to want to either want to do it for himself or for you but it needs to be his decision. I sorry to here about your baby and I encourage you to think about it long and hard it will be something you have to live with for the rest of your life.

Im here if you need to talk as well as a lot of other lovely people.

all the best

Nath

[gld]

Hi CandieX,

This is a great place to come to share as it is a non judgemental community, as when we keep things bottled up it becomes overwhelming without support. Beyondblue always have a set of ears at the end of their call line 24/7 on 1300224636 to talk to some.

Self confidence is difficult to hold onto when others around you are not displaying positive behaviours as overtime it tends to drag you down. I feel self confidence is better achieved by looking after yourself, setting small goals that you are able to reach and gravitating towards people who are positive that build you up as well as let you move and grow.

Your decision must have been very difficult for you to make without the support of your partner and our community are here, so you are not alone.

I feel i am able to give advice on how to deal with someone who has no respect for others or themselves, as i live by - take care of yourself before you look after others.

Gen

[geoff]

hello CandieX, it seems as though you're in a catch-22 situation where you are staying with a man who has an addiction to cocaine only because he provides a roof over your head and has now made you pregnant and wants to terminate the pregnancy.
He only has interests in himself, verbally abuses you whenever he wants, doesn't love you or have any affection towards you, only takes advantage, this shouldn't any reason for you to be with him.
Your a young girl with so much ahead of you and whether you decide to keep the pregnancy is a decision you have to make on your own, but there's something at the back of my mind that really worries, which you may not see yourself at the moment, but your safety is of prime concern.
Being an addict you're never sure how long he will want to be with you, especially when he can't tolerate your crying and he isn't allowed to force you to have the pregnancy terminated, that's your decision.
I would really like to know a bit more about yourself as there always has to be a solution to any problem, so please let us help you further. Geoff.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Candiex,

My heart really goes out to you as this is a really tough situation. 
 
Clearly the pressing priority is to manage the decision about your pregnancy. You don’t have to feel pressured . You don’t have to rush to have the termination in the first few weeks . You can give yourself time to decide. Consult with your GP or ring up the pregnancy help line 1800 882 436 for more guidance on your specific dates and options. 
 
I don’t know what you decided to do or will decide to do. The advice that the Forum members provided seemed to favour looking after your needs  as a priority over looking after his needs. This is good advice but for someone who may not be used to doing that it might also be really hard to do. 
 
I have no idea of your family situation but from experience I see that many times people are sort of “trained” to be this way from their families of origin. Some kids grow up in families where they work out that the only way they feel loved is when they serve the needs of their mum or dad, so they just get into the habit of doing that. 
This is just one example .. but I bring it up because I highly recommend that whatever you decide to do with this pregnancy, that you get a referral to a psychologist who can work with you to find out why you are in love with a man who by your own admission doesn’t show you love or affection. There is usually a reason that will make sense to you buried somewhere in your past or your personality style! I think when you understand these processes in yourself you feel stronger and more able to make changes.
 
So how to find this magical help? 
Some pathways are via a GP, or call a helpline like Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or if you are under 25 yrs old try a  Headspace centre https://www.headspace.org.au/headspace-centres/. 
 
Good luck and good on you for taking your first steps with us here .

[White_Rose]

Hello Candie

Haven't heard fro you for a few days. I am wondering if you are OK. Would you like to come and talk to us again. I see Dr Kim has written to you. I hope you take her suggestions on board. Look after yourself.

Mary

[CandieX]

Hi everyone.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and replies.

I ended up terminating the pregnancy it was for my own sake.

I am still with the man however one of his friends just passed away so I am giving him time alone.

Well I was meant to but I haven't been able to stop messaging him since I've been away from him. I feel desperate and clingy but I am just so lonely and I want him to love and care for him the way I do.

I have great parents but I don't trust them to understand what im going though.

I am just so alone and I just dont know how to get though this. I need a life of my own and a place to live but because I've been so down I have no motivation to do any of this.

Please help me.

I used to to modelling but I don't want to continue with that because I was never thin enough and it distroyed my self confidence.

[Pysis]

Hi candie

it's a very tricky situation your in, have you tried volentering in your community in some way?

i want you to know your not alone and we are all here to talk to if you need to.

hope your ok

Nath