Opening up

[Infinity1199]

I'm sorry if my post is a little muddled but, not really use to writing like this...

I was diagnosed with depression last year after enduring over 5 years of bullying from my classmates. I remember just sitting in class and having my first nervous breakdown. I just started hyperventilating and crying because one of my bullies called me a fag. it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

my school wasn't helpful, they didn't get that I was getting bullied because of my sexuality but always talked me into not pressing criminal charges against them. I felt like such a coward but I was scared.

Since I was diagnosed, my school forced me to move into distance education because they were concerned about the ramifications of my behaviour. they told me it was in ''my best interest'' but I think they just wanted to get rid of me before I killed myself or something. I've lost all of my friends and I basically have no social life.

at the moment:

-I've got NO FRIENDS

-I've screwed up my VCE courses again

-I'm having problems with my appearance

-I'm having difficulty with anger issues

I didn't know who else to turn to, I just wanted to talk to someone who isn't going to judge me.

I just want a friend....

[RandR]

Hi there @infinity1199,

I'm Raman and thanks for taking the time to reach out. It's hard to reach out when you feel like you are completely alone in the world with your back up against the wall.

I'm sorry to hear about what you have endured with the bullying and being asked to do distance studying from the school. The school has a duty of care and I would question how they have managed the process and It is in your happy to do something and reach out further if you wish. I too endured bullying for 5 years during primary school and suffered depression for 12 years. My depression made me do a lot of stupid things and act a different way. I lost all of my friends and even myself, however, their is always hope and a light at the end of tunnel. Friends like seasons come and go. We are only human and I too know that feeling of anger but there are ways to be in control of that anger to ensure that the anger inside is not in centrol of you.

We don't hold any judgement here 🙂

You've come to the right place. If you don't mind me asking can you tell me a little bit more about you? What are your hobbies? Do you have any family/siblings if so how many? What was the last great movie you watched or book you read? What does your perfect Sunday look like? z

Happy to talk more and look forward to hearing back from you 🙂

Kind regards,

Raman 🙂

[white knight]

Hi infinity, welcome

Such a great reply from Raman. I too would like to know more about you, hobbies, anything you are good at like art or sports.

Unfortunately name calling isnt a crime so if police were called it would result in the bullies believing they got away with it...and do it again. So what can you do about this?

Although its a horrible feeling being bullied, its important to boost your confidence to enable you to deal with these sorts if issues that, believe it or not, happens to most people be it because they have different skin colour, hair style, religion etc. So how do most people handle bullying?

Firstly they might not have depression which can make us more sensitive. They might have learned to ignore these people.

I have written the threads below that deal with this problem. Put them one at a time in google

Topic: so what are their mental illnesses?- beyondblue

Topic: bullying- beyondblue

Topic: depression and sensitivity, a connection?- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Fortress of survival is one that is meant as finding ways to isolate yourself from nasty people. This is because some of us find it too hard to avoid such people.

So your school rejecting you might turn out to be a good thing if you think about it because those bullies wont be in your life. Well, at your age these bullies wont change until they mature and reading your letter its clear to me that you are very mature and they arent- dont you think?

Post anytime.

Tony WK

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Hi Infinity, although straight, I relate to much of this and have a lot of empathy. I hope you're doing OK at the moment.

I went through HORRENDOUS, RELENTLESS bullying through high school. It personally and sadly impacted a lot of who I am years on, but hopefully not your future. I also know what it is like for the school staff to be unhelpful.

What are things like with your parents? Are they supportive of you through this?

I too understand the plight of having few/no friends. This is something I am struggling with now, with few people to turn to or trust.

But what I feel I can best contribute right now, besides just saying I understand the pain and offering to talk, dealing with anger issues is a big subject for me. I'm a firm believer in catharsis, the act of venting aggression. I have had to live with an impatient and easily frustrated mind for much of my life. Add to this, the bullying, personal setbacks, betrayals, relationships, job/employment/money stress and goals still unfulfilled AND having a gentle nature in a world of frequent cruelty (The news) and the NEED for outlets is absolutely paramount, even if you're not going through so much.

Me, I put the energy into what I really want to do, writing and directing films. I try to write and don't do it enough honestly, whether it is with my screenplays, daily journals or imaginary conversations/rants with the people who make me angry that won't be sent to anyone.

I'm also a high ranked martial artist and instructor and though I am really, really struggling right now, THAT world has saved my life and sanity countless times to scream, yell, punch, kick and exhaust myself. Even if you just find a bag to hang up at home, it's an invaluable start towards getting the negativity out. Any physical activity is good but I feel martial arts is a whole other level of effectiveness.

I also listen to heavy metal, read books and comics, draw, watch action films, play video games. I personally believe that aggressive entertainment is a safe way to exorcise the anger instead of unleashing it on other people.

It is hard of course if you are out and can't access those things right away but, whatever works. In this case, it might mean trying to remove yourself from others to quietly get alone to calm yourself down, working on breathing, counting or mindfullness (Those can be easier said than done but they do work).

I'm curious to know what you do to deal with anger and hope that maybe some suggestions here can help.

[Infinity1199]

Hi RandR,

Thank you for the kind words, I'm so sorry to hear about your own difficult battle with Depression. it's nice to know I guess that I'm not the only one who's screwed up 😕

Answering your questions:

• My hobbies are: Reading, playing video games, listening to music and painting.
• I have a twin brother & 2 older sisters, my parent's are divorced.
• the last good book I read was Big little lies by Liane Moriaty
• my perfect Sunday is curling up on the couch with a good crime fiction novel

Let me know if you have anymore questions 🙂

[Infinity1199]

Hi Tony,

uh I honestly don't know what to say in regards to your post...

I understand, you know the whole people have been persecuted for centuries argument but I probably should've elaborated on what I meant by bullying.

I was physically attacked on multiple occasions by other students, I had knifes pressed up to my throat by some of my bullies and I was punched, kicked and spat on at least once-twice a week. I received loose teeth, more bruises then I can count and 5 blood noses.

I got called every insulting nickname in the book, students spread rumors about me ranging from I had AIDS to I was sleeping with every male teacher/student in the entire school. kids started sexually harassing me and offering to pay me to have sex with them as if I was a prostitute.

my school didn't help, they didn't care about me. the only time they ever cared about my wellbeing was when I had my nervous breakdown, and that was because the department of education finally took noticed. I had to leave a school I liked because they refused to help me when I needed them most.

although I might sound mature, please remember I am a teenager.

I've got feelings too and I'm surprised I didn't snap sooner. I feel any normal human being would've broken done quicker then I did.

I've still got to live with what they've done to me....

[Infinity1199]

Hi Sad,

I want to thank you for your kind words, I'm glad I've got your support and I hope that someday I can return the favour if you ever need my help.

First of, yes my parents were very supportive of me. they've helped refer me to excellent doctors and have helped me sit down with a lawyer to start a duty of care lawsuit against my former school (can't name anyone)

I liked your advice about anger outlets, I'm a hemophiliac so that kind of eliminates self-defense classes at the moment. but, I'm going to give that a serious try. what other outlets could you recommend?

it's kind of hard sometimes to do the stuff I want to do, VCE's really important to me and when I don't work it makes me feel even worse.

I also liked your idea about isolating yourself from anger stimuli, I often try to do that when I feel bad. often it doesn't help so maybe I've got to find a different outlet to vent my anger and frustration.

I'd love talk about this more, we should keep chatting 🙂

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Hi Infinity,

It sounds like video games and painting might already be good and hopefully useful outlets for you. Not sure what kind of painting you like to do but maybe it wouldn't hurt to do something aggressive and pissed off. Think Jackson Pollock, abstract, just chucking stuff with the brush, throwing paint, punching or slapping the canvass, paper, whatever. Could feel good to get that energy out.

So the self defense classes may not work. I was going to suggest something non contact but unless you do some good research and find an understanding instructor, it still might not be worth the risk. I do know somebody in my club who has your condition and somehow he makes it work. But, you can definitely beat the crap out of a bag.

The thing about my many outlets is that sometimes they don't all work when I need it. Example, if I am out and about, I can't suddenly start up a game of GTA V and cause some destructive anarchy at the drop of a hat. I need to be home. So, what tools or methods do I have at my disposal?

Even at home, it depends on my mood. Sometimes a violet video game will work, sometimes it will fail to calm me down...but reading a book will work instead. Other days it might be vice versa. I guess the plus for me is that the more outlet options I have, the more flexibility I have.

If I am feeling particularly anti social or I'm irritated by too many people being around or walking slow (Shopping centres for example) then I think that I'm usually pretty successful at sneaking away for a few minutes to calm myself down. Sometimes it is hard to hold that patience too, depending on how crowded the environment is. At school though, I'm sure at least at lunch you have a number of ways to go be alone if you need to for a moment. And it is just a temporary thing to reset yourself when you feel the anger boiling up.

Sometimes just clenching my fists and my toes in my shoes helps. Simple as that is.

I remember VCE being sold to me as being so UTTERLY important and it is and it isn't. I guess it kind of depends on what you want to do after high school. If you want to go into a uni course that really requires particularly high scores, OK that can be important. But it is also important to have balance. I have seen too many Yr 11 and 12 students get so over stressed over VCE and thinking they must sacrifice all social activities and that's so not the case. You're doing more harm than good by not having outlets and hobbies to let off some steam.

[Infinity1199]

Hi sad,

Thanks' for writing back so quickly, your advice was outstanding.

I was interested to hear about your friend who shares my condition, depending on the severity of your condition can depend on the activities you are allowed to participate in. in my opinion, your friend sounds like his not only taking care of himself in regards to his condition but is thriving.

I get what you mean about the hard sell they give us in high school in regards to VCE, they act as if it's the end of the world if you don't give it your 100% but I feel that's not always the case. the uni courses I've selected require at least above 60% in both Legal studies and 25% in English. in my opinion, it's not only doable but allows me to try to find new hobbies and activities to vent my anger.

Thanks once again,

Infinity

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

And here's another positive maybe to consider. Maybe.

Assuming you're in yr 12, there's only a couple of months left and in all likeliness, you won't have to see any of these idiots who bother you again. OK, you have to get through this time until and endure a rough period and yes, that is awful. But if you can get through this and your exams and high school's done, you can then define who you want to interact with from there.

I hated high school because of the bullying. Though I was unsure about my future going into adulthood, I looked forward to never having to see all those morons ever again. I could start life all over.

One of the best periods in life was the break between finishing Yr 12 and starting my first TAFE course the next year. The holiday was SO long and felt like it would never end. Oct to Mar?

If in Yr 11 right now, OK you still have another year, granted. But, there is still a break approaching and that could be something to really look forward to to get some space and time to reevaluate a lot of things.

None of this changes what is happening right now BUT, there is something down the track to get interested in.