Advice desperately needed

[Tracy71]

Hi guys,

I live in a country area. My eldest son (20) has become extremely depressed. He refuses to take any form of antidepressant. The last 4 days he has barely come out of his bedroom. I contacted our local psych services and they had a home visit and pretty much said there is nothing they can do. He is not eating or drinking and is very gaunt in appearance. My concern is today I found 2 suicide notes. One to me and one to his mates. I have not confronted him about this because I dont want to make things worse. What do I do when he wont seek help and the professionals wont help?

[Ruth_M]

Hi Tracy,

Welcome to the forum; we're really glad you've come here for advice and we hope forum members can offer you some helpful advice and support.

We would strongly encourage you to get back in contact with the mental health crisis team, and let them know about the suicide notes. It can be really hard for family (and mental health services) to help someone who isn't ready to accept support. However, it's worth knowing that when someone is assessed to be at clear risk to themselves, mental health crisis teams can act more assertively if needed. This could be initiating more contact with you or your son for closer monitoring of his risk, or even mandatory hospital treatment (if it is considered the only option to keep him safe at the moment). 

It can be really hard for family and friends to decide whether to act against someone's wishes when concerned about them, and how much to talk to them about it. Other forum members may have other suggestions and the crisis team may be able to help you think about ways to talk with your son about the notes you have found and why you are so worried for him. He may get angry about your discovery and disclosure, but at least he will know how much you care and hopefully this will lead to him getting the help he needs.

You sound like a really caring mum and this must be incredibly stressful for you. Please take care of yourself, call up a helpline if you need more advice (or just someone to talk with!) and remember that you can only do so much. Please do stay in touch with us and let us know how you go. 

With best wishes

beyondblue mods

[Ben_of_the_Plains]

Hi Tracey,

I hope things are going ok for you and your son. It sounds like a very tricky situation, especially given that your son is an adult. I agree with the moderators, if you have found suicide notes it would be prudent to provide an update to the mental health crisis team. 

It may well be that if some action is taken, your son may resent you for it, but as someone who both suffers from mental illness and is a parent themselves, having my child resent me would be a small price to pay for possibly saving their life. 

I have been admitted to mental health hospitals myself and can honestly say that those stays have helped prolong my life, even though it isn't easy. It is a scary step to take, but may well be worth it.

I sincerely hope things are improving (for both of you) and your son is receiving some help.

[Chris_B]

Hi Tracy,

Hope things have progressed more positively in the last few days.  As the mods have said, please persevere with the mental health services - when there is clear intent for a person to harm themselves, such as notes or a plan, then they are obligated to act.  

A young friend of mine was hospitalised last year for self-harming behaviour (not entirely voluntarily), and it was the last thing he wanted at the time; but it actually became a turning point for him to realise that (a) he needed help and (b) he had the power to move forward and take responsibility for getting better.

Anyone else have some thoughts for Tracy?

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