Is my depression an excuse?

[_Ghost_]

Hello. I'm 23 years old and I've been depressed for two years now, and on meds since the beginning.

So, I was troubling myself with some thoughts lately... It's basically whether I'm using my depression as an excuse to be lazy and avoid responsibility and being a grown up... This thought really scares me because I'd hate to be this kind of person. But the truth is that I've always been kinda lazy and didn't really like chores or study too hard. But on the other hand I like having a job and living on my own, not depending on others. And there used to be things I enjoyed doing, which now isn't the truth. I admit that when I was younger I liked getting away with not doing chores or studying, but when this happened I would get happy because I could do something else I enjoyed. Now I dont like doing chores and running errands but there isn't really anything else I would like to be doing instead. I would just prefer to stay at home and do nothing really...

But still I thing whether I am fake and a manipulator and whether I'm forcing this misery on myself because it's convenient.

I would hate for this to be the case because it would mean that I wont have a reason for being miserable and that scares me because I can't and I don't know how to be better. It's really hard faking being ok and pushing yourself to do all the things healthy people do, and I'm scared of having to instantly get better.

I feel so useless and not good enough and I feel so guilty for being like that, but I don't know how to change it. But then I think that I dont want to do much of anything and that I like just being lazy and that thinking that Im depressed is just an excuse I have for myself to be useless, because it's easy. I really wish someone could tell me what is wrong with me, whether I'm depressed or manipulative.

I also have mild ocd and anxiety, so I tend to overthink stuff... 😞

Thanks for listening.

[jess334]

Hi Ghost.  

I've had similar thoughts.  I suffer from depression & anxiety and last year when I tried to come off my medication I had a lot of days where I didn't go to work because I was too tired or too anxious.  Eventually my boss thought that I was 'making up excuses' and after a while I began to think that maybe I was just lazy an that I was making my anxiety worse by using it as an excuse. 

This year, I went on a different medication and also changed jobs.  My new boss is very understanding and gives me time off when I need it, the thing is, I hardly need it anymore.  I feel confident in going to work and I actually enjoy it.  

I'm also studying part time, and often I don't feel like doing any of it, and I put assignments off til the last minute.  This is probably parts laziness, procrastination and not enjoying my subjects. But I do get the study done eventually, so I'm not too stressed about it.  

I think one of the symptoms of anxiety is feeling like  your screwing yourself over, or somehow causing the problems yourself.  Fortunately there are enough people on this website who all have the same symptoms and problems that  disprove that theory.  Give yourself a break, its the hardest thing to do, but blaming yourself for your problems will make yourself feel worse.  

Good luck,

[vip]

Hi Ghost my advice to you would be to see a GP and get a referral to a psych here and explain to the psych everything you have wriiten on your post. It would be good to get a professional point of view if this is depression or not. Take care

[geoff]

dear Ghost, sounds a bit ominous, sorry.

Procrastination is a part of having OCD, so this naturally puts into the category of putting things off, living alone and not depending on other people, and that's exactly how I feel after having OCD/anxiety for 54 years, although there were times when I was married and having the 2 boys grow up that was great, but not all the time.

I don't believe that ' I'm forcing this misery on myself because it's convenient' is really correct, simply because depression takes away any energy that we once had, plus it makes us feel as though we just don't want to do anything, it's not your choose, it's what this illness does to us.

Most of the time with me when I had depression was that all decisions were made for me, and if I accepted what other people said then that was great, because my logical thinking was non existent, plus I didn't want to have to any group decisions, because that was way too much to think about and would be wrong anyway.

The majority of the time I didn't care what they decided on, because normally I didn't want to be involved, all I wanted to do was to stay at home, so I could sleep, drink and just do nothing.

The trouble with having mild OCD in depression is that this illness begins to grow stronger, not that you may realise this yourself, but someone who knows you have this illness can see looking from the outside.

This is part of this illness that we have, and because the more anxious we get the more habits/rituals we do, and if you ask someone 'what did you do that for', you may not even know that you have done it, because it becomes a formality.

We only feel useless because depression has control over us, but as it slowly disappears our thinking quickly changes. Geoff.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mr Ghost,

Depression gets that criticism a lot - "you're just lazy".  Normally from someone who's never had depression.  Being "lazy" isn't necessarily a bad thing anyway.  Lots of inventions, plays, music, etc, were thought up and created whilst in a tranquil state of mind.  I think it resonates on a subconscious level as it's so close to someone saying "you're just crazy".  Alarm bells, ring the psych ward, get on Clive Palmers' Titanic replica.

Adios, David.

PS  An excuse is just an excuse.  Depression is just depression.

[_Ghost_]

Thank you all so much for the replies and support!

It's so hard though, I keep blaming myself. I feel that if I just wanted to or was strong enough I could decide not to "not want to do anything". 

Yes, people don't understand what it feels like to have depression and I keep being told that I could change my state by will. But it seems impossible to do and then I feel like trash.. I also have disordered eating and I'm always told that I could change that too by will, but it doesn't happen, so I'm really confused about what is going on with me, what is true and what not.

The only thing my bf understands is my anxiety because he has it too, but he can't really understand depression or my eating. Im afraid that the time will arrive when he wont be able and/or willing to put up with me anymore..

[Scotty2013]

Hi Ghost,have a look through David Charles old thread where people said things like lazy, forgot the name of the thread.  It may look like that on the outer, but inside definitely not, the chaos and over thinking amongst other things is a disorder.  I think it makes us lazy things like Depression because it zaps us of all Energy. Sure we can all get a bit lazy at times, but not for the majority of time..TC 🙂