A Bad Night/Need Advice

[ItsWhatever]

Im not depressed. At least I haven't been diagnosed. And I don't think I am, I'm happy. So many things in my life are great I'm happy overall but there a days where that happiness isn't really..there.

Like tonight.

I miss my bsf who I made the horrible decision to leave after convincing myself she was toxic. And I guess she was, but it wasn't her fault. The way I left her was really bad too and I am so riddled with guilt for it bc I loved her. I really did and I can't hate her like everyone else did and I always wonder what would have happened if I had stayed.

I also feel really alone. I have this amazing group of friends and an amazing boyfriend but I've realized now I've never been able to tell anyone anything when I'm struggling. And it's been getting worse as the years go by but I just don't have anyone. No one knows me, I would carry the weight of all my friends but it always feels like no one knows me enough ti help with mine so if no one knows me whats the point? Whats the point of saying anything when people won't know how to respond or won't understand.

No one says the right things I guess. And I know its selfish of me bc they try to understand but it'd be nice to have one person who would know what to do. I've told my friends before when I'm anxious I'll separate myself bc thats what helps me. I don't like being surrounded when I'm anxious but whenever I try to separate myself all my friends cling by my side or sit next to me and touch me and makes me feel worse and I know I should tell them but they're just trying to help. They're genuinely the most woke people I know and they're so open and everything.

But I just feel so disconnected from them at times. When they all enjoy themselves and eachothers company and I'll have good laughs with them and we'll talk about all thats wrong with the world and all thats right and we compliment and love eachother but there are times like tonight where I feel that even though I love them so much I just don't... its not that I don't fit in. Im sure I do, I just feel like I'm that person thats going walk away because I just have to move on? It sounds bad, I can't really describe why I feel like I have to leave but its there

These feelings started a few months ago and they reappear every so often and everytime they do I have no one. Whenever I try to talk to a friend I picture them and how they'd react or how happy they've been lately and decide that I can't.

Someone tell me whats wrong? Or snd me advice? ty❤️

[IsaJett]

Hey you ,.you sound slightly like my boyfriend ..lol ..I’m no expert but I feel you just need your own space ,..and time to deal with stuff ..because that’s what u r used to ..

i have been with my introvert boyfriend about 3 Years..who is super sweet...he opens up slowly and is a fiercely independent person , and he is also his own worst critique ,

he told me recently that he always feels like people judge him ..or us when we out together..so he avoids going out altogether ..and he feels that thing might jeopardise our relationship ..because I want to go out and all that Jazz.

it takes a lot for him to open up to me ,..so he merely just wants me to know that that’s what’s he is going through ,but he might not exactly want me to do anything else .but of course I tend to want to help and that’s human nature ,..but all I should do is listen and be aware about it ,.and go with the flow ..trust that he come through if we so happens to be out ,,and he be having a severe anxiety attack ,,,all by himself ,..me knowing his discomfort ..would assur that I ain’t oblivious to his suffering but he like you will deal with it the best they know how ..all people mostly want and need is to voice whatever they facing ...so they don’t inadvertently push you away ...so everyone is mor understanding and it almost makes you more empathetic..that’s all they want is for you to know ,.i hope that is a correct interpretation

cos I just want people to know ..things just sometimes ain’t so straight forward when you have depression or anxiety .

let me know what you think ,.cos I really think I understand it but I can’t say for sure ...lol

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Welcome to beyond blue.

I have both anxiety and depression, but what described in your post sounded like the way depression appeared in me. Not to say this is you, just my experience. There were days where I would feel low, a heaviness in my heart, a feeling of failure.

I did something about it last year and saw a GP. After being referred to a psychologist I would find out I was depressed and anxious. I can't exactly recall what was the trigger here, but I would speak to people who I knew what I was going through. And I would find out that I was not alone. Some stories would not compare, some people could see something was not quite right in me, some told me of the depths of their despair. Both here and in the real world I would find out that I was not alone. Prior to all of this, I thought what I felt was typical for everyone. But I couldn't cope.

So you are not alone. Help is available. And whether you try to do this by yourself, or professionally you will be supported by people here. But you could start with the K10 test on the beyond blue website, and check out the threads on grounding and mindfulness.

Finally, by reading other stories here and reflection you find out more about yourself and might be able to talk about this to your friends? And educate them. There are also resources on the beyond blue website for partners. All it takes is for them to ask how you are and then listening.

There are many other things I could say, but that might be information overload. I hope you got something from this post.

Tim