8 hours and 19 minutes

[SBD]

Hello everyone

 I recently started a journal about living with my depression and anxiety. I was a little ashamed of it, and considered deleting it, but a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist suggested sharing it here. 

I was going to paste the whole post here but it's too long and I'm not able to so only the opening is below. I really hope that I can work through my own problems while helping others to understand that they are not alone, so I'm happy for anyone to share this content with friends who might be suffering depression but don't want to be involved in the forum personally. 

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Hello, World.

I decided to start this blog, because today it took me 8 hours and 19 minutes from the time I woke up to drag myself out of the house and go for a walk. 8 hours. And 19 minutes.

Last night, I’d jokingly said to my partner that my intentions today were to go for a run, but who knew how that was going to go! In the morning, the joke became self-mocking reality as I dragged myself out of bed with my feet seemingly encased in invisible concrete blocks.

A weak voice flitted through my head stating that I should go for a walk straight away so the rest of my day would get a productivity boost, and maybe I could even go for two today since I had time! Instead I found myself seated in front of my computer, hating myself a little more as every minute passed, and with every ounce of hatred the effort required grew and grew until simply putting on clothes and walking outside seemed like an impossible task.

“Life is OK, I guess”

I’m sure, if you’re reading this, you’ve had days like this too. And maybe, like me, you don’t feel entitled to even feel this way.

I just want to state, candidly, that I have nothing to complain about. From outward appearances, I am a well-educated, reasonably successful, middle-class first-world citizen. I have a full time management-level job, went to a good high school, have a tertiary education, a roof over my head, a nice car, and enough food to get a little bit fat. I have good friends, and family and a partner who love me.

To the outside eye,  I have nothing much to complain about... and don’t seem to exhibit any symptoms of being depressed. Anxiety is probably a little more obvious... But the fact that I have nothing to complain about just makes me all the more self critical. I don’t deserve to be unhappy.

[Guest_9466]

Hi SBD

 Welcome to BB and thanks for sharing your reflection and your journey with depression and anxiety. 

A few weeks ago, I was travelling through Europe and found that I had to deal with episodes of anxiety and depression. I found it quite devastating. Here, I was travelling in Europe for four months, living the ultimate dream, right? And, yet, I found myself in tears and in stages of anxiety. It was worse when I was following news about refugees trying to make it to destinations of safe haven. 

And, there, I was staying in warm, safe accommodation and having access to as much as food I want, but feeling the 'fog' pressing on me. This is depression, it chooses it's victims and has nothing much to do with your circumstances in life. For some, there are reasons for their depression, for others, not.

I have come to accept that depression shadows my life and all I can do is to manage the symptoms as best as I can with the help of anti depressant and cbt.

 MG

[Neil_1]

Hi there SBD

Welcome to B.B. and thank you for providing your post.

I just wanted to say “Good on you” for coming here and placing in your opening journal of your ‘living with depression and anxiety’.

I’m really pleased that your psychiatrist friend suggested to you to not only NOT delete it, but to also post it here and share it.

Writing things down in a journal kind of arrangement, I feel is a great thing.  I’ve done very similar things in the past and actually completed so many, I formed up what has become a manuscript of my life (obviously so far, as I’m not overly sure what the future holds – but I would hope that the words “winning Powerball jackpot” might be included in there somewhere).

Cheers

Neil