45, Always been single, don't know how to go on.

[Glennatron]

Hi there,

As the title says, I am 45 (about to turn 46) and haven't been in a relationship for my entire life.

I have a great job, all the possessions I could ever want, lots of money in the bank, but I can't find someone to share my life with me.

I know lots of single women but I always get friend-zoned. I used to go out every weekend with my friends (who have been in relationships for a long time now), they always had luck with women, I never did. I asked a friend to be honest with me about my looks and she said I'm a 4/10, and I believe she was actually being nice and trying to boost my feelings, she's a good person.

I have tried lots of dating sites, both paid and unpaid and the only women who are interested in me I'm not physically attracted to, usually much older, call me shallow if you want but for a man to function properly you need to be physically attracted to your partner. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather date an average-looking or below average-looking woman with a nice personality than a supermodel who had bad character traits.

I've talked to my friends about this and all they say is go and see a psychologist or get some anti-depressants, which are things I've done many times before. When I have had anti-depressants they have taken me from being extremely depressed to laying in a hospital bed due to suicide attempts, and I find cognitive behavioural therapy and trying to make coping strategies useless and extremely frustrating.

I don't have any family so I sit at home alone all the time, I feel anxiety going to a bar on my own to meet people, my "friends" rarely invite me to social events, and I've given up trying to celebrate birthdays years ago due to only two of my core friends bothering to show up.

I feel as though I tried and tried to get on top of my depression but it just gets worse. All I want is not to be lonely anymore.

Whenever I do seek help from friends they just tell me to do what hasn't worked many times before, and when I seek professional help they want me to try more pills and more therapy.

I'm not a genius but I'm not dim either, I can solve most issues that I come across in life and usually am able to help others with their problems also, but I've been trying to find a solution to my problems my entire adult life.

I'm hoping someone might be able to give me some advice, but even if this is too hard (and I completely understand that) it's been nice to get this off my chest just typing this out.

[Hanna3]

Hi Glennatron,

I don't often respond to new posts but yours was one that interested me - and welcome to BB!

It's not that unusual to be your age or older and never in a relationship - Google it and you'll see how many posts and articles there are about it by both men and women!

I understand the loneliness and honestly, the first and most important thing I think you can do is concentrate on finding women to simply be friends with. Don't just look for a relationship that involves physical attraction - you need to get more used to mixing with women in a friendly way. Dating sites are pretty awful, in all honesty you are better to find some interests where you can mix with women in a way that is not exclusively about dating!

Do you have, or can you find, any interests, groups, hobbies, that would give you the opportunity to simply mix with people in a friendly way? Dog walking, tennis, any kind of social group/club, yoga, dancing, bushwalking, indoors bowls, book club - whatever suits you that you enjoy and that gives you a chance to mix. Don't take an older woman off your list either - they may have great personalities, make great friends, & there are plenty of instances of men marrying a woman older than them - it's more about how you relate, enjoy each other's company, and yes attraction of course, but sometimes that happens as you get to know the person better.

If you are comfortably off as you say, are there things you could do to improve your appearance? This is where women friends could be really helpful as they could give you advice! Also how you approach women - don't see them all as prospective partners, just relate to them as other people to be friendly with and be pleasant with and take it from there.

There's lots on the internet about this and Googling around could give you some insights. I believe the best way to meet someone is not on a dating site but in real life, doing something you enjoy, and concentrate on enjoying yourself and the other people there and just being friendly. You want to find someone you can relate to as a person - ie. do you share the same sense of humour, political interests, hobbies, personality traits - what is important to you - kindness - empathy - outgoing or shyer - sporty or someone more into books/movies.

If you just want a pickup, that's different. Then go to bars and dating sites.

Women just like a guy who treats them nicely and is friendly. So start there and good luck! Cheers.

[Glennatron]

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time for me!

I have many friends who are girls and who are single, like I said I always get friend-zoned.

I am happy to be with an older woman, but I have to have some kind of physical attraction to them, and for me, physical attraction isn't the most important thing at all, we are all going to be old and not that attractive one day, so it's very important to me that I can be with someone who has a mind that I'm attracted to also.

I'm not someone who enjoys or is good at sports like tennis, indoor bowls, bushwalking, etc. I like science, engineering, astronomy, motorsport, and that's about it, I'm not into fiction books, real life is much more interesting. I do own a lot of books, all non-fiction.

I used to go out with friends on Friday and Saturday nights regularly throughout my 20s, 30s, and less so in my 40s (most of the friends I used to go out with now have wives and families) but even if I wasn't interested in someone and was just trying to have a friendly conversation I would get ignored or have my soul destroyed by someone I didn't even like, some people can be unnecessarily cruel.

I have asked my female friends what I need to change, for a long time they said I wasn't ugly, I'm good looking and say anything else they thought would make me feel better about myself and this just confused me more as to why I was still single, I wondered if I was intimidating, if I gave off a bad vibe, maybe I smelled or something, or maybe something quirky. It was only when I was at a really low point that I pleaded with a friend to be honest with me about my looks that she said I was a 4/10 (as I said, she's a nice person, so I'm probably a 2 or a 3).

I don't want to just pick up, even if I met the most attractive girl in the world I would only want to sleep with them if I got to know them and liked them for who they are, one night stands aren't for me. I've never looked at someone and fallen in love with them, I've gotten to know dozens of people and really liked them, but that feeling hasn't been reciprocated.

I treat everyone nicely, I listen to them, I have two ears and one mouth and I use them in that ratio.

I have friends who brag about cheating on their partners and it really upsets me, I could never disrespect or hurt someone like that, my father did that and I saw and lived through the pain it caused my mother.

I really don't know where to turn or what to do at this point.

[Guest_1643]

yu sound nice glennatron and respectful, i think it will happen for u

i think jerry seinfeld got married at 50.... given his thing for much much younger wmen maybe not an overall great example but i remember thinking at the time how interesting it as that you can start a family life at any stage

Perhaps you can meet a woman in her later 30s, early 40s and start a life together .... the timing would actually be perfect as ppl are ready to settle down....

have u been on many dates? How did they go? Sorry you havent got more replies, but thanks for reaching out and here to listen

[bluenight]

Hi Glennatron

I think Hannas suggestions are good, such as just socialising with women in a friendly way and getting to know them as people. I struggle in the same way you do so I don't have much advice in regards to meeting a woman for a long term relationship.

In regards to your appearance? Do you exercise? Do you have a slim attractive build? How are your clothes? because being well dressed is important.

[Hanna3]

Hi Glennatron (hi to Sleepy too!)

I'm on BB late tonight due to technical problems! So I'm sorry for the late reply. You sound like a good bloke! I'm sorry life is so lonely - I've been through that - and sometimes I think people just hit plain bad luck, which sounds a bit like your situation. I can never understand why some lovely people seem to have trouble meeting a nice partner!

OK so I met someone quite late in life by meeting him through a common interest - it was completely by chance - and I know another guy who got married at age 63 to a lady in her 50s, and that was also a meeting through a common interest (music). Neither of them had a previous long term relationship. So you see it does happen!!!

I was once in a social group and there was a guy there who was very short &blamed his lack of height for the fact that he never seemed to find a girlfriend. Well he was so unpleasant and hung up about his height that his personality put all the women off! I had a friend who was a very short man, and he was always funny and made fun of his lack of height & laughed, and he found a lovely lady and married her and now has kids and grandkids - so it was never height that put the women off that guy in the social group, it was his attitude! So I wouldn't be too bothered about your appearance apart from being clean and reasonably tidy! A smile and a sense of humour will make up for most things!

Also, when meeting a woman do ask her open ended questions - ones that get her talking, not just a yes or no answer!

I don't know if you live in a city or regional area, so I just Googled AskMen where guys should go to meet women! If you have access to something like an evening course (WEA, evening cooking course, interest group, community garden group, etc) - see what you can find that might attract more women than men (and most of them will have more women anyway). Non-fiction book group. I would beg borrow or steal a cute puppy and take it walking - that gets women chatting to you! A choir is always good - they are desperate for men & have too many women & you don't have to be able to sing just go along they'll be happy to have you. Amateur theatre group - I made lovely friends in one just helping out with refreshments, ushering etc. They will love it if you will do things like that. You can't go wrong with choirs/theatre group/dances. All badly need men!

Let me know a bit more if you want & I'll help if I can! She's out there somewhere!

[Glennatron]

First of all, I'd really like to thank all of you for taking the time to read what I had to say, and for responding to me, you honestly don't know how much that meant to me!

I decided to give online dating one more go.

I really expected that it would lead me to feel even sadder than I was, but I have managed to meet someone who I am not only physically attracted to, but much more than that I am enthralled in her as a person. We have spent hours each night talking to each other, we never get bored, we both respect one another, and are pretty empathetic people.

I honestly thought at my age that this would never happen for me, and I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I'd meet someone so beautiful physically and mentally.

We kicked things off with some video calls, and we spend hours on the phone each night. We both want to take things slowly and get to know one another, but we both just want to find someone who will love, respect, and treat each other like we would want to be treated.

I wanted to meet someone who is intelligent and honest, she is smarter than me, and she has been honest with everything in her life, as I have with her.

I had pretty much given up at the point I made this post, and it's not like I'd been single for only a short time.

Hopefully, others read this and give love another go, things might seem dire but don't give up! I was about to.

My recommendation would be not to pay for a dating app, those were terrible for me, but don't go for the hookup apps either, there are some good apps with genuine people just like you.

I honestly can't thank everyone enough for reading and responding to my post! May good karma come your way!

I know I will try to help others as you helped me wherever I can:)

[quirkywords]

Glennatron

So pleased you have shared your positive news. I have been following your posts .

You have given hope to others . Feel free to update us on how things are going if you want to.

[Hanna3]

Hi Glennatron,

Well that is good news! Good luck and I sincerely hope everything turns out wonderfully for you! So much for my advice about forgetting about the dating sites I guess - but if you run into someone else suffering the loneliness that you have been through, maybe a couple of my suggestions still might help them.

It really does happen unexpectedly doesn't it? Good on you mate and best of luck! Cheers!

[bluenight]

That's awesome Glennatron, keep us updated if you like.