3 tablespoons of DARKNESS every year

[Bell]

Hello Beyond Blue community,

I have depression that is most prominent in DEC-JAN-FEB of every year, hence the 3 tablespoons. It's only now that it's really clicked that it's those months specifically and it's when my father passed away 10 years ago now. I still get dished out some heavy weeks here and there but I feel like a steady 4 out of 12 months I am just good for nothing.

I have got a referral for a psychiatrist and waiting at the phone for that call when I can go and see them. I tried last year to get better and fell back into smoking pot which I've used several times to "get better" (more like forget about it so I never get well).

I'm getting really bad now, my mum has severe depression and has admitted herself to a mental ward in the past. I feel bad for stacking my problems on hers so I rarely do, and I live away from most of my family. I have a good life, a lovely girlfriend and a wonderful sharehome but i still can't stop these feelings of despair.

Can anyone recommend any good psychologists that practice in Melbourne I can get to quickly? I feel like a tiny wall that's got lucky in the eye of the storm but will be destroyed any time soon...

Sincerely,

Bellamy

[Mares73]

Dear Bell, firstly welcome to the forums. Beyond Blue has great people who will try to support you as much as they can. First thing - there is a list of GpS & Psychologists on this website from all over the country. These ones are selected because they are highly trained in mental health & have also been trained by Beyond Blue so you will find good ones here. The list is called 'Find a Practioner' & I think it's on the front page in the first column. It's also good that you have a referral to see a Psychiatrist - I know you may like others feel you don't want to try any medication - but as hard as it may be - try & keep an open mind about it because for many people medication combined with some for of counseling can turn your life around. And from the way you describe it - it sounds like the depression is starting to take its toll on your life & as you say the sooner you can see someone the better. It may also be worth phoning the psychiatrists office & saying you urgently need an appointment as often they have "crises" spots" available or can move another patient who is not in a crisis position. You should be really proud that you've taken action ASAP to get help. That takes a lot of courage & insight & you obviously have both. It's great you have a lovely girlfriend & a nice home. But as you probably know from your mums experience- depression doesn't discriminate - it can hit anyone regardless of external circumstances. A nd I don't know how long your mum has suffered it- but I'd guess that has taken a big toll on you as well. There's some great reading on this site & links to other relevant sites that you may find useful & not so alone. How do you feel about asking for an urgent appoinment? Also I'm  sure I read somewhere that psyche have to see urgent cases ASAP as they have a duty of care. Well sorry for the short unhelpful  msgs but I must go & I'll check in the morning for any reply from you & offer as much support as  I can. You will probably get a range of responses and support as that's the close community it is. Take care & catch you tomorrow.  Love Mares xxxzx 

[Bell]

Mares, thank you for your kind words and support.

I've been on an SSRI anti-depressant in the past but stopped taking it when I was 16 because I got a lot better and I didn't feel that I needed it. But if it gets me better I'll take it. I've often smoked pot to forget that it's all going on even though I know it's one of the worst depressants. I get self destructive when I can't function properly and then something bad happens and I pull my head in, everything goes smoothly for a while and then BAM the cycle continues.
I often feel like I'm floating under the surface of life, especially this year. Just waiting, frozen, for the next bad thing to whisk me away.

p.s!

I just called life resolutions and got an app with one of their psychologist's so thank you again for nudging me in the right direction. 

Sincerely, Bellamy.

[Neil_1]

Hi Bell

It was great to see that Mares was there for you when you first posted – and as always, Mares has provided another wonderful post – warm and caring but also with really helpful advice.  Just a side issue Bell, that pretty much all of us on this site who post here are fellow sufferers, and I know that at this present moment, Mares is really doing it tough – so you can see what a brilliant, kind-hearted person she is.

If it’s ok, I’d like to chip in here as well … and you’ve mentioned that these feelings happen pretty much during the summer months for each year since your father’s passing. 

At present what I’m going to say isn’t going to be that useful for you, but I’m hoping that it might be for next year because you now seem to be able to identify when you are about to experience this slide in your mental state.  With that in mind, I would like to say something along the lines of leading up to December of this year that you start to put together some strategies to help you cope with the upcoming three month period.

What exactly these strategies are, I’m not overly sure at this point in time, but it could be something very worthwhile mentioning to a psych when you have one of your appointments.  To know when you are going to feel awful is a great thing … and the process needed now is how to face this time, to have coping mechanisms in place and have yourself prepared so when the demons try to come, you can try and contain them before they run too rampant.

I hope that has been helpful and would also like to know if you’ve had your psych appointment and how it went?

Kind regards

Neil

[Bell]

Hi Neil thanks for your post,

I've been collecting some really good questions for my psychologist appointment from this forum, there is some real support and compassion here. I'm booked for tomorrow so I'll post in the afternoon with how it goes. 

I've seen a lot of post's by you Neil so once again thank you for putting time and effort into making other people feel better, when you must feel the demons every now and then too.

Best wishes,
Bellamy

[Bell]

So everything came through at once last week on Wednesday.

First to the GP to tell him that I still had not had a call from the psychiatrist after 3 weeks of waiting. Turns out the clinic did not get the refferal even though I watched the doctor fax it, they were very apologetic and promptly booked me in later that day. At midday I was with the psychologist which was a really good experience, a lot of things came out into the open which I hadn't even realised were affecting me.

3:15 I saw the psychiatrist where I quickly went over what I had spoken about with the psychologist, he put me on a SSRI-Anti Depressant which has been an odd few days. It was very hard to get going over the weekend, I felt horrible on Friday afternoon but I went made myself go out with my girlfriend and friends to see a band which turned out to be good fun. Dave Chappelle on Saturday night who I had been looking forward to for weeks now. I was told  it takes 1-2 weeks before seeing a big difference with these meds so I will have to wait and see. 

All in all a really exhausting day but very satisfying to finally do something real about my mental health.

Sincerely,

Bellamy