Ruminating, Surviving, And Releasing Pain (in a hopefully healthy way)

[Ember_Glow]

Physically writing helps me proccess me things. So I always have a notebook and pen/pencil on me incase something happens, but also just in general as I forget stuff easily and so need to write it down if I want to have any hope of remembering it later. But yeah, writing helps me proccess and realise what's ruminating and what's helpful. I write a lot of poetry, but also I do what I like to call word "vomits" where I basically just mentally spew all my thoughts (both negative and positive) onto the paper. Once it's out of my head, I can see it much more clearly and make sense of it and I find it really helpful as it just gets it all out. So whenever I start to hate myself again and wanna self harm I just get out my notebook and "vomit" it all onto the paper instead of carving it forever into my body. This usually works but sometimes the pain and longing for dead loved ones just gets too much and then I can't get it out of my head fast enough and it builds and builds and eventually explodes and that's bad, because then I can't control it and if it's in public then its wayyyy worse and then I'll regret it for life and ruminate forever on it and yeah. So writing really helps me, but sometimes it doesn't and all I can do is silently scream in bed alone at night, or go on walks around the block (preferably in the cold because then I can rug up with layers of physical protection, but also cos the cold wakes me up and helps me see more clearly). On those walks I usually call a friend or listen to music so I can either get everything off my chest, or just drown and suffocate my sorrow (in a good way) so I can get myself together and go back to my family pretending everyting is fine (cos my siblings don't rly know about my mental healt struggles, so I have to pretend I'm fine for them). 

[Croix]

Dear Ember_Glow~

I guess this might have been what you were writing about in yur 'ink-stains' poem and makes me glad you have found a way of coping in your writing, particularly your 'vomits' which give you a chance when you read them to sort things out.

No, it's not going to be perfect, sometimes things are too powerful and get out of control, it's to be expected and happens to me.

You do have a backup plan in gettng out and walking and  talking to a friend or music

My own way of coping wiht these is via a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind which is a guided mindfulness set of exercises, from feeling one's sensations to following a leaf down a stream. With practice it breaks the chain of thoughts and leaves one calmer,

perhaps if you became good at it then that  calm state would let you write, something you were too pent up to do before.

There is no need to be put off by all the different things on their web page, it is the exercises I've found to be hte real gold, and there is a huge number, one for anyone.

I'm glad you know mmMekitty, a very sensible cat.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ember_Glow (& Croix),

During my late teens it was poetry, like taking dictation, I just wrote what had come to mind to write. Lot of it wasn't good, didn't seem to mean anything either, but it was somehow, helping me to express something I needed to.

Later, I did the sort of writing you describe. Sometimes just getting all the thoughts & feelings that were simply going around in circles out onto the page, (when I could use pen & paper), even through tears, just write. Eventually the mind settled well enough for me to sleep. It was like telling myself, now it's out there, so there is no need to keep thinking about this stuff anymore (at least not for the night), so shut up brain.

I also did some paintings when the words i wrote didn't seem to express what I needed. They didn't show what i wanted quite how it was in my mind. I had images which were as a snapshot of a moment, a feeling, a sceen. That helped for a while, too. I used to get too caught up in trying to replicate the image in my head so accurately, I stopped feeling it. Doing that was not what I needed, I knew, even while I would have very much liked to not feel anything again.

Now, having been with a writers' group, when I write poetry, I work at it more. I first write the first ideas, the initial lines & words, then shape them. 

I guess, now I don't need to pour it out so much, because over the last 10 years or so, I've been learning I can talk to someone. To them I can say the words I couldn't say before. & when talking to him, my psychiatrist, there is feedback & a considered response. It's not my words on paper or my PC, or even the paint on the paint board, bouncing back at me. I think now, that used to feel like calling out into space, no one listening or seeing me. It took a long time, because it was so hard to trust, but now I think it has been very helpful to have someone I am sure I can trust to talk to.

& Croix, don't talk me up too much. After all, i have an obligation to the Little Red Cat to get up to mischeif at least once a day. So, no, I do not want people to think I have a halo, or know anything much more about life than they do

Hugzies to you both,

mmMekitty 

[trying_my_best]

Hi @Ember_Glow 

As a fellow anxious ruminator this might be something I need to pick up! I used to write poems a lot on my phone in high school but for some reason stopped. 

I am happy to read that you have a way of processing and understanding the difference between your thoughts! That is something I still struggle with and I’m sure many others do! 

Thank you for sharing! 
wishing you the best 🫶

[quirkywords]

Ember- glow thanks for your helpful post. I always have pen and paper with me too. I have notebooks with thoughts on a few pages then I lose them and start another book or exercise book. You have a way with words. I could  connect with your writing.