Psychology jokes!

[Lazykh]

Hi all,

Thought it would be great if people could post in any jokes about psychology to lighten it all up! Keep them inoffensive and remember that a lot of people on this forum either have mental health issues or work in the mental health industry 😛

I'll get the ball rolling:

How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes a long time, and it has to really want to change.

Hope to roll on the floor laughing next time I visit!

[Lazykh]

Hi all, surely somebody else has one?????

Or, are these annoying, because I can stop posting them if nobody else likes them... In the mean time, here's another.

Q: How do you tell the difference between psychiatrists and patients in a hospital?

A: The patients get better and leave

(No disrespect intended!)

[hope4joy]

Hi Lazykh,

Thanks for the jokes. I don't have one but a friend gave me a gift that was very amusing. It was a little tin of mints that read on the front:

"after therapy mints. These non-hysteria inducing confection can be taken before, during and after sessions"

They were very uplifting 🙂

[beingbyrne]

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

[beingbyrne]

Diagnostic criteria for NPD (Normal Person Disorder)

1. A chronic feeling of normalness.
2. A tendency to bore others easily.
3. A nagging sense of constantly meeting one's goal.
4. Lack of difficulty getting organized.
5. Inability to be humorous.
6. Knowing how to count without forgetting what number you are up to.
7. An inability to be creative and intuitive, no seat of pants to fly by.
8. An unbroken remote control.
9. A To-Do list that gets done.
10. A chronic interest in each or any of the following for more than a week:
a:) Job
b:) Relationship
c:) Schedule
d:) Patience
e:) Passing Grades
f:) Sex

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

Some of these are really funny and witty.

I don't have any actual jokes, but do have a funny little antidote to share.

After a breakdown, I spent a couple of weeks in a mental health unit.

A guy there had all kinds of problems.

One morning he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I asked him why he did that and he said "The voices in my head told me to do it.

I replied "I am so pleased they didn't tell you to smack me on the head!".

[beingbyrne]

Lol.....now that's funny

Thanks for sharing that Doolhof.......and keep smiling. I think life becomes a lot easier when we are able to see the funny side of our human experience.

[Lazykh]

Time for a few more jokes! Here's one for you:

...

A man sees a psychotherapist for a fifty minute session about dreams that are troubling him.

Psychotherapist: Why don't you start by telling me about these dreams.

The man talks in detail about several of his dreams for 20 minutes, and then says: So, what do you think that means?

Psychotherapist: Well, the fact that you're having them means something, for sure. What is your interpretation?

The man free-associates for the next 15 minutes, while the psychotherapist makes encouraging sounds, and then says: Do you think I'm on to something?

Psychotherapist: Mmm, indeed. How do you think you will use this revelation to help you to improve your experience with life?

The man pauses and begins to relate the dream imagery to his life motivations and problems. After 10 minutes, he says: So, doc, do you think that sounds reasonable?

Psychotherapist: Mmm, (looking at clock) why would that not be reasonable?

The man pauses again, and begins talking about his reservations about making life changes.

Five minutes later, the man is still free-associating, the psychotherapist clears his throat, cutting him off, and says: Well I'm sorry, I think that's going to have to do for today. I have my next client coming in on the hour, and as much as I would love to continue with you, I need to prepare for her.

The man looks disappointed that time has passed so quickly, but also understanding that time is time. He says: So, can I see you again in a week?

Psychotherapist: Yes, of course. Do the same again, keep a detailed diary of your dreams and we will discuss them again next time.

The man leaves, books the next session with the receptionist and pays the bill.

The psychotherapist 'prepares' for his next session by making a cup of tea, eating a chocolate bar and beginning the newspaper crossword.

...

Now, someone else's turn to find one!

[1113]

I just had a good chuckle, its been awhile.

I joined the Tourettes society today. It only took a minute to swear me in.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi,

Ohh great thread - always up for more giggles 🙂

Client: everyone ignores me

Doctor: next please

Q What's good about being depressed?

A Great savings on cosmetic dentistry. You never have to show your teeth

receptionist: "Doctor, there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible"

doctor: "Tell him I can't see him right now"

client: "Doctor, can I have a second opinion?"

doctor: "Of course, come back tomorrow"

Daughter: "Mum, what's normal?"

Mum: "A setting on the dryer, honey"

[1113]

My apologies but I had to go here.....

A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother

Had to be one mother joke