Dreams

[lookingforme]

I'm not entirely sure how apt a discussion this is for beyondblue, but in the spirit of communication and reaching out which is encouraged, I thought I would write post up, get a few opinions or thoughts.

I should say, I'm tired all the time, especially in the mornings, it's very hard to get out of bed and think about the day that I have to face.  I've always attributed this to the kinds of dreams I have - more like nightmares, really - and being an active sleeper, thus not feeling rested in the morning.  This is no matter how much sleep I get.

I get these really vivid dreams, and almost always they feel too real to me, that when I wake up it's hard to let go of the memory.  They can be traumatic and stay with me the whole day.  And if I'm not distracted enough, sometimes without thinking about it, I'm re-immersed in the dream, and I can picture myself in it all over again.  Like some kind of virtual reality.  And it can get so bad that I start getting anxious that when I get older all I'll remember are my dreams and none of my life.  I really don't want that.  The dreams can get so bad that I question if I'm awake or not when I am awake.  I guess that in itself should be a clue that I am awake, because I don't really question my reality in my dreams.  And sometimes, I just don't want to sleep, though I'm thoroughly exhausted, because of what I may dream - and this can make it worse possibly?

I've spoke to a GP and relaxation was recommended to me, but according to people I know, I don't really know how to get rest.

I'm just wondering if other people have this issue?  And if so, how they cope?

[lookingforme]

Will you heed that warning?  I'm sorry that bad things happened to you in that house.  You're away from it now at least. 

Thanks, for thinking about me.  I know now there is at least one person in this world who is.  I recently just decided to put myself out "there" in meetup group and now all I feel is anxiety.  The price of not knowing anyone in the place you live.

I'm glad to hear you have good dreams actually.  And, yes, I have woken up with a song in my head because I spent the night dreaming.  They weren't necessarily good dreams though.  In the last one, Justin Bieber's Love yourself kept playing (it was because my little cousin was learning to play that song on the guitar the previous day).  In the dream, I was the air, and I was around a forest/jungle and the trees kept getting chopped down.  And each one sort of made me lose my ability to breathe, which is contradictory because I was the air that I breathe...I'm flummoxed by that one, but it was one of those dreams that didn't stick with me in a good or bad way.  It was just there.

That sounds like a sad but sweet dream. 

[Simona]

: )    So will I heed the warning?  hmmm don't know. My dreams are nearly always filled with misadventures or prophetic symbolisms.     I often dream of entering houses/mansions.   But they are always empty except for that dominant presence.   But when I'm really sleep deprived I don't seem to remember my dreams at all.  Rather I wake up feeling like I'm in a dream.  That I am infact dreaming and no-one and nothing is real

The meet-up groups.  I'm thinking now thinking what that is like.  I tried to be in a group once last year. Because I crave the company of others sometimes and want to belong.   It was a short art course.  We were learning to draw with different pencils and learning about shading techniques.  I couldn't finish it though. It was a small group of 6.    This year I'm prepping myself to join the local SES.   As soon as I get better I will show them my skills because I'm pretty hands on.

Is your group bigger ?   And I'm guessing - you live in a new town?  And that is why you don't know anyone yet?  I'm trying to understand.  I have lived in my town for 10 years and I still don't really know people and I still get anxious/paranoid.    Maybe given time your anxiety will ease and you will make friends. 

I will type more shortly.  I wanted to say more but I have been interrupted.

[lookingforme]

I had this dream last night where a group of unknowns, my brother and myself were free falling in this sort of vertical maze during the Jurassic era of life.  it was all boulder and rock and moss and dirt with insects, massive, giant insects.  Because it was a freefall the trees sped by, everything sped by, and wind was loud, like a roar.  I see flashes of everything because there isn't anything I can focus on.  It wasn't as if I was going deeper into the Earth, more that the Earth was on it's side and we could only slide.  And then, it evened out and my brother and I were left.  And he sees that he's covered with these gigantic mosquitos and they are stuck to him.  He has to pull them out, like pulling out toothpicks from his skin.  And I remark that I don't have any, but he suggests I remove my shoes, and there they are.  And suddenly they're on my hands (specifically the knuckles), and I have to pull them out, and it hurt.  I woke up then, feeling the remnants of that pain in my hands and feet.

After that, I had (again) flashes of a dream, where I'm sleeping but I'm watching from outside my body as well as inside.  And people I know watch me, come close to me and the retreat from view.  It sort of changes from colour to black and white.  When I wake up, this person I know describes how there was a spider near me and begins to describe it (I hate spiders) and she gave me this look like she didn't want to be me, and she was disgusted by this spider.  I remember feeling incredulous that they kept me awake and didn't get rid of the spider.  And then I woke up with an edgy/anxious feeling.

[lookingforme]

I woke up in a bit of shock today.  Not because my dreams were overly bad but they just seemed to play on how I've been feeling lately.  In all of the dreams I had last night, I played this big role, sometimes even the main character, or indispensable to the main actors but, I was treated like I never even existed.  Like I never said anything, never showed up, never helped out, like I was invisible or a shadow.  I wasn't acknowledged or remembered.  I feel like I'm treated like this in real life at least 80% of the time, but I guess the shock comes when you r brain shows you clearly how painful that can be, that I can't ignore or escape it.  But, like in my dreams, I am voiceless when it comes to expressing it to others.  I don't even remember saying anything at all in those dreams.

[Simona]

Oh I do hope you are feeling better : ) in any case you are in my busy thoughts so please try to relax ok

Anyway, so last night I dreamt of this creepy old guy with white hair and white beard. No, he wasn't like Santa. His face wasn't withered but wasn't plump either. And I remember waking up and still talking to him. But later that same day I actually seen a guy who looked just like him and I felt very unnerved and I wanted to get away from him ASAP except I was in the car and I was stuck at a GIVE WAY sign. And this old guy lives in my small town just up the street! You can just imagine how creepy that is

[lookingforme]

Hi Simona,

Firstly, I have to apologize, I didn't see the post you put up on the 28th. When I'm sleep deprived I have that feeling too, but I do remember all of my dreams. And usually, when the days are going by with the little sleep, It's like my brain just plays them over in my waking hours. Sometimes that's all I can see. I often don't know what is real. After one restless night, my counsellor was emailing me, and I was emailing back, but I was also dreaming the same actions, only in my dreams she was laughing at me and I was very paranoid about it. When I woke up, I had to make sure over and over that, that didn't happen. So yea, it does take some convincing sometimes, especially when people you know are involved.

The SES, nice, good luck with that, let me know how it goes, when it happens of course. One of the meetups is a casual anything goes thing, and one is a hiking group that is large. I haven't gone to a meetup yet, none has been planned. Maybe that's why I joined, to say I have without having to make excuses for not going. Nothing like a little self sabotage. How did you find it? I'm anxious when I go to meet people I know, meeting strangers is...well...

I live in the country where I grew up but the people who I used to know, well we've changed in the years I left, and last year, they didn't treat me well, so I haven't contacted them. Something about getting some self - respect. At least in one aspect of my life. I will certainly take your advice on board, and be patient and take the pressure off, or try to.

That is very creepy, and I actually understand that feeling. I had this unsettling dream where I was walking and everything was pretty dark, so the people were like shadows themselvesbut with actual substance. They were all faceless, but had faces, it was weird. Anyway, I was walking one way, and them toward and past me. And they were coming around this corner, from out of view. And months later, that exact dream happened in real life, of course less the dramatics of it being dark. It was unnerving. I essentially had a mini panic attack and got out of there.

I've been dreaming a lot and frequently and of things that would potentially not be allowed on here, so I'm not typing them out. Suffice it to say graphic and gory. I'm super tired.

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I am thinking of you too.

[Simona]

Hullo there : )

Your first paragraph resonates with me. My insomnia is currently on leave probably due to me being medicated. I hate it so bad. It makes me feel like a druggo. Only good thing is when it wears off by 12pm next day. IT's good AND bad I suppose. Bad because I end up feeling very racy/disorganized. I tear things open upside down and make mess. Then leave the mess to finish doing the other thing I started.

Recreational bonding : well there's no 'meet-up' groups here. There's sport clubs and church. Short art courses. There was a writers group but I prefer to be anonymous. There's no mental health support groups - only a group for carers of ice addicts. This is a very churchy town. I can't fit in anywhere so I get very sad and lonely sometimes. How did I find my art course? - well I wasn't nervous from what I recall. More enthusiastic I think. I was in a very elated way and I got there early with a take-away cup of cappuccino so I could choose the best seat in the house. By the time the other students arrived my charm and humour was in full swing : )

Hiking group - i would love to be involved with one so i envy you in that regard : ) one of my daydreams is to walk from here to Melbourne. I'm familiar with distances/roughing it in the elements. I used to have to 'nap' en route. Once i got to my destination so early the sun was still sleeping. I found a spot in a park and tied my dogs up to my backpack and fell asleep. I had 2 dogs i hiked around with sometimes. Bear and Royce

So you are abroad. That must make things so much harder. I haven't been back to my home country yet and I would never move back. It would be challenging enough to just visit. I see myself more as Australian. I have been here since 9 and I still haven't seen all that much. I have been up to Queensland (lived in Mt Isa and holidayed in Mackay & fell in love with Longreach). Been to Adelaide. Hitchhiked a lot before finally getting my licence. Obviously rural NSW since it's just over the bridge (I'm in Northern Vic but my mum, dad and younger brother are in Melbourne) I miss them so much and I miss the gentle surf a lot. I used to live in Mordialloc and walk along the beach up to Oliver's Hill in Frankston : )

[lookingforme]

I'm medicated too. But it would seem that my medication only works when I don't feel depressed...The irony in that.

Do you live away from your family in the town that you're in because of work? Sounds like you want to go home. Forgive me if that is prying too much.

I am abroad, but not in my home country either. I hate this place. Full of triggers. Full of loneliness. That is the one thing I feel all the time here. Everyone I know, who I used to rely on is in Aus and they tell me i'm not alone but really, I can't run to them when I need to. Being in a different time zone means complete silence from that side of the world when it's only afternoon here so that's unbearable as well.

I'm not doing okay.

I can't remember my dreams from last night, but I woke up 8 times.

[Simona]

Thinking of you my friend. I really hope the dark is lifting albeit slowly. I can't remember any of my dreams now. I have been put on a new medication and will be stopping the other one in about a week's time. This new one is still an anti psychotic but it's also a mood stabilizer. So I'm pretty drugged up to my eyeballs and feeling awfully blurry. Yes, to answer your earlier Q I'm in the country because partner had a dream to be his own boss so a small town seemed a perfect place to start. I really feel for you being alone and depressed in another country. I don't know what it's like to live alone. I have never truly been alone. So may I ask why are you studying abroad? You intrigue me : )

[lookingforme]

Thank you friend. It's nice to say that, and to be called that I think. Life has been feeling like I'm being dragged along a long but very thin and gravelly tunnel. I hope you stabilize on the new meds, blurry is an awful feeling I think.

Ah, cool, but still, I'm sorry you feel like you don't really fit in.

Actually, for me, Australia was studying abroad. I couldn't get a visa to stay because I couldn't get a job in my field of study. Australia was supposed to be my fresh start, but who knew that depression follows you no matter the circumstance? So, I'm back in the country I grew up in, but not the one where I am from. I'm studying some single units through open unis Aus so that I can apply for a degree in Canada. At this point though, I don't know how I'll handle that because I'm not handling this single unit very well.

I had a restless night last night, didn't want to open my eyes this morning. I've been forcing myself to exercise again, get on a routine. But each time I got out, my heart isn't in it so I don't push myself, which adds to the self loathing. This morning I was pleading with myself to just stop. It was a low point. I may also be getting a job which is really freaking me out.

It's uncanny that you should say I intrigue you, because I think the same of you each time you post.

Thank you for being there 🙂