Croix Parler

[Croix]

I'd like to use this pace for miscellaneous matters that don't fit elsewhere or you think I might help

Thanks

Croix

[Moonstruck]

Yes Croix....we have been doing a few, mainly to keep in touch with each other and have a bit of fun, but nothing will take the place of huge numbers of spectators who have already paid in full to attend the next tournament which was stopped suddenly in its tracks with the many participants on the brink of taking off in full flight.....when they are finally....if ever.....allowed back onto the green it will be a time for celebration like no other.

I am beginning to think the New Access Program I was referred to, was perhaps the wrong choice. I have not started yet but have all the paperwork and it doesn't seem to focus on "grief" at all, rather a general anxiety/depression CBT type therapy....when what I was really seeking, was a grief support group which meets in my town, but cannot find any at all. I feel the need to be among others who are going through the same thing, not one on one counselling, which is already available to me. I already have that.

I don't need at this time to focus on my original anxiety problem.....I am in the midst of terrible grief and loss, so think I was pointed in the wrong direction......

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

I'd not give up on that bowling alley being packed again, humans have tons of ingenuity and there there's a need (even bowling) there will be an answer. Plus of course you may become a FaceBook or YouTube personality.

OK, It may be that New Access is not for you, mind you I'd give them a bit of a try first but point out what you need. The only Beyond Blue recommended grief organisation which may operate in Northern Alaska or wherever you reside is:

https://griefline.org.au

They may have some sort of forum or group, worth asking. I'd also ask Lifeline the same question

Other than that simply asking GPs. Many people do find grief counseling does help if being with a group is not possible.

Sorry can't help more, one of the disadvantages of anonymity is that we on the Forum cannot tailor info to locality.

Hang in there Moon

Croix

[Moonstruck]

My dear friend

Please read my latest post on my other thread.."Never done this before"...hope you can find it...love Moon S.

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

No I had not realized you had started a new thread, nor that you had crashed your car. I'm very relieved you -and anyone else - are not hurt. Cards are bits of metal and plastic, they will be fine. I guess the real inconvenience is the wait.

I still feel bad nobody talked to you abut your loss at the bowling hall, and as you can see above I can only guess, I don't know what for sure. The thought of you crying driving home alone is heartbreaking.

Which brings me the the crash. I do not know the details however no you are not yourself and even when dry-eyed are not your normal self, maybe not as alert as other thoughts drain you. So yes, I'd expect grief was part of the reason.

There is so much to say abut how you feel, abut your ex, and about the way he treated you. It does need saying, so who do you think you would like to talk to? You can talk here of course but you would be concerned of not giving yourself away and in any case our replies ere distant text, sent long after you have written. If you tried we would listen to every word.

However who is there in your life. Do you think one of those you met would have respond differently if alone with you? Then again your son or is family perhaps? I'm guessing again but you do need to talk. If nothing else the grief councilor, though that is not as personal.

All the important things you said:-

"No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No
one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No
one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of
humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did.
It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door
and immediately enfolds me in a hug."

need saying to another -more than once, one who will just listen and not try to put the 'bright side' on anything.

That is what I needed when my first wife passed away.

So who can you choose dear Moon?

Croix (If you prefer I can put this post in your new thread)

[Moonstruck]

I am sure my GP will refer me to a grief counsellor..it's hard to choose which friend can handle whatever I say..they are not trained..my sons are always there for me even though I cry whenever I hear their voice..re my bowls club I am sure if I had been one on one with someone I was especially close to they would have given a hug straight away...not allowed to even touch any more thanks to restrictions...in a strange way the car crash and being without it..has sort of given me something else to focus on..and I know I will feel hugely better when I get it back...your support and caring has been greatly appreciated.

Answer to your question..yes you can put post on the other thread too if you like...x

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

A friend does not have to be trained, the simply have to listen and feel that you are in pain, htey do not have to understand what is in your head, just that you have need.I t is not a need they can fix, it is one they sit beside you and allow you to feel, that's all.

If you told me about missing a hug I'd listen - maybe nod, show I was listening intently. I'd not say much more at all. (I might make you a cuppa if you were dry). You could tell it 10 times or more and that would be OK if the need was there. I may not know all about how you felt, I would know you were in pain. That's enough.

Your sons need nothing but to listen - maybe you will need to listen to their grief too.

I drove my friends silly with my repetitions when my first wife died. That was OK.

It may seem silly to say his but death is only a part separator, your ex is still part of your life as my first wife is of mine.

Croix

[Moonstruck]

Dear Croix.....I don't really feel any of that...the need to talk, cry and have someone listen and care. I have nothing to say, because there is nothing to say. I shouldn't be in pain any more. It's over a month. As I said in another thread, I long for night to come, the darkness where I don't have to keep up the act...keep going, being capable, friendly, smiling, cheerful, organised....I am none of those things, but found out very early that showing the pain just sends people further away....they back off confused, they'd rather not hear it, so I keep it to myself.

They're more comfortable with the old Moonstruck they know.....so I am her around them. I can hardly stare at shop assistants, or office workers I am dealing with and blurt out "Help me, please help me, " can I?

I want to solve other people's relationship problems...they are so trivial. at least their "person" is alive...why are they wasting all this time fighting, hurting each other?

The world is so stupid, I don't fit in any more. None of my friends even mention "him" at all.....it's as if he never existed.

[ecomama]

Dear Moon

A month is such a very short time in the world of grief.

I'm very surprised that no one is asking you about how you're feeling. This may be testimony of the stalwart survivor you are but grief is so real.

Please be kind to yourself.

EM

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

First of all a month is no time, and the fact you long to go to bed and not pretend shows how deep the hurt goes. Plus it is a different experience for you, there is no need to assume you 'must' know how you feel. Being unsure and in doubt , even lost, is natural.

OK during the day the old "Moonstruck" might be on show, perhaps it is too good. But it is an act after all. Maybe show a chink in the armor and see what happens.

You can talk here, it is safe and you know you are dealing with people who have had their loved loved ones pass away. Something in common.

As an example I've not mentioned here before, I remember my holding my wife's hand before she went. All the details clear ... It's still hurtful, so now I'll think of us laughing at a young nephew she was trying to get ready for a special occasion, his hair was determined to stick up, no matter how much water was combed in.

Well I would go on but do not wish to distress others, however you can see people will put themselves out to keep you company

You are also right, people can fritter their lives away on trivialities when the fact they can give and receive love is so much more important.

Hang in there Moon, the chances of bowling again are increasing. Just as an example of how much things have changed my local cinema re-opened today.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

You may wonder why I answer you here, it is partly becuse it is a place I can get my thoughts in order, and perhaps in a weird way inviting you into my house.

I does not mean I'm not reading what you say, so your hope is answered:)

Hanging on to being loved, hanging on to good memories, it really is too early. I've had 20 something years to come to remember my first wife and our lives together. It did not take all that long to start but the longer it goes the more rich the memories.

Of course at the moment good thoughts will only highlight your being alone. I buried myself in work to try to minimize that. Pity you can't. Even cheerful music had the opposite effect.

That's why I say hang in there Moon. You can hang on to the fact you got though the day before, you can hang onto other thngs too. Your car will be back.

The world is not just the TV. Media make their money by presenting conflict, so that is what you see. One of the most boring movies I ever say was Johnathon Livingston Seagull -nothing happened except Neil Diamond going on and on (and on).

In actual fact the peple you know are not like the TV, they tend to be kind when they can, and not confrontational at all (yes, I know, there are exceptions). At worst they are often just busy with their lives.

You are right about arguments, when life is so short why waste it on trivial matters. Maybe you will teach someone that, I hope you do, wisdom should not be wasted. I look back and see most of mine were over nothing.

I think that was what "Waiting for Godot" was partly about, frittering away time.

The ability to have a hug is not that far way now, (politicians tend to go for footy first, hugs second)

The human race produced a complete mix if thngs from world wars to School for Scandal (and Love Actually). I guess you have to sift though to find the gems.

It may take a while to be the clear thinking Moon you were, so slowly does it for while please.

You have many memories of anther field than bowling, what would happen if you gathered them all together? A pity if they simply got lost.

Croix